The way he sees me
I am finding out a lot about myself through the eyes of my SO.
I have come to realize through it all, through the mud i have waded through in my life that i really have 2 persona's.
I am either black or white, hard or soft, hot or cold.
I am missing gray area.
I understand now why that is, thanks to
battles and discussions with my SO.
when you have a not so pretty road to travel, you either cave in and surrender and perhaps use it as a valid excuse for all of your short comings, or you suck it up, move on and let it make you a stronger person.
The 2nd option has it drawbacks, you become jaded, distrustful, and hard to get at.
Your soul sort of builds up a emotional callus so to speak.
I either come off and am perceived as a outspoken, demanding, assertive, confident bitch, Or I am soft vulnerable, overly emotional and temper mental, sentimental door mat.
I hate to use the extremes of Bitch and Door mat, but in my level headed dysfunctional mind, that is the way i perceive it from the outside.
I am not able to meld the two at one time as of yet. I missed the part in my life where one learns it's safe and ok to be the two at once.
Not really a split personality, but more like wearing or choosing which hat to wear at what particular time and event.
I only really become unguarded and vulnerable when i am confronted by issues regarding my relationship, my mother, and my pets. and only in extreme cases of struggle, past history, or maternal situations.
I don't even know where to start to bring the two sides together, I don't feel 100% safe with anyone enough to let the softer side supersede the harder side.
I don't think it's too late, I guess I'm just grateful to know there is another side at all.
I'm really in no mood to be going and paying a co pay and sitting on someone else couch for a 50 min hour. I have been there already several times in my life.
I'm quite capable of assessing my self. What i need is to feel safe, Safe enough to let the soft side blossom with out being a blubbering mess all the time.
What i need is to know that people will respect me even if they don't fear me.
I won't lie, knowing people fear me isn't an easy thing to let go of.
I joke and say that i have worked hard and long to gain fear over others. But in reality, all I am really doing is trying to protect myself, and my soft middle.
I have worked so hard on confidence that i have put my vulnerabilities in the back seat.
What i need is to feel like i know how to trust, and to be around people that make it clear that they are trustworthy.
I am finding out a lot about myself through the eyes of my SO.
I have come to realize through it all, through the mud i have waded through in my life that i really have 2 persona's.
I am either black or white, hard or soft, hot or cold.
I am missing gray area.
I understand now why that is, thanks to
battles and discussions with my SO.
when you have a not so pretty road to travel, you either cave in and surrender and perhaps use it as a valid excuse for all of your short comings, or you suck it up, move on and let it make you a stronger person.
The 2nd option has it drawbacks, you become jaded, distrustful, and hard to get at.
Your soul sort of builds up a emotional callus so to speak.
I either come off and am perceived as a outspoken, demanding, assertive, confident bitch, Or I am soft vulnerable, overly emotional and temper mental, sentimental door mat.
I hate to use the extremes of Bitch and Door mat, but in my level headed dysfunctional mind, that is the way i perceive it from the outside.
I am not able to meld the two at one time as of yet. I missed the part in my life where one learns it's safe and ok to be the two at once.
Not really a split personality, but more like wearing or choosing which hat to wear at what particular time and event.
I only really become unguarded and vulnerable when i am confronted by issues regarding my relationship, my mother, and my pets. and only in extreme cases of struggle, past history, or maternal situations.
I don't even know where to start to bring the two sides together, I don't feel 100% safe with anyone enough to let the softer side supersede the harder side.
I don't think it's too late, I guess I'm just grateful to know there is another side at all.
I'm really in no mood to be going and paying a co pay and sitting on someone else couch for a 50 min hour. I have been there already several times in my life.
I'm quite capable of assessing my self. What i need is to feel safe, Safe enough to let the soft side blossom with out being a blubbering mess all the time.
What i need is to know that people will respect me even if they don't fear me.
I won't lie, knowing people fear me isn't an easy thing to let go of.
I joke and say that i have worked hard and long to gain fear over others. But in reality, all I am really doing is trying to protect myself, and my soft middle.
I have worked so hard on confidence that i have put my vulnerabilities in the back seat.
What i need is to feel like i know how to trust, and to be around people that make it clear that they are trustworthy.
VIEW 16 of 16 COMMENTS
Truth be told, I like both sides of you, though I have only seen the happier side of you in person so far, even if I caused you to have that look at me, I would still appreciate it (maybe not at the moment
Having both polar opposites in one person makes it difficult, but it is not impossible. I used to only see black & white, and only be b&w. You were either my friend or enemy, or at least potential enemy. There was no middle ground for me. K_Rex helped me see and understand the potential for a middle ground. It took a while for me to feel that I could trust her, but once I finally realized that I could, I began feeling totally confident that I could reveal all my worries, concerns, fears and hopes and know she would not judge me, she would help me, and I could then move past my inability to see gray. Now, i know my life has been nowhere near as trying as yours, but if you can find that one person that will unconditionally care about you and love you, and you can put total trust in that person, then you will be able to let go. until you can trust that person, until you feel comfortable trusting that person, it will be most difficult to do this.
As always, if ever there is anything I can do for you, I am always here.
Be happy, have fun.
Love you.