Last night I realized why people or mostly women like to watch romantic comedies or romance movies or listen to sad love songs.
We so want to identify with them feel their pain and find the perfect mate that say's everything we want to hear. One that looks into our eyes like nothing else in the world matters. That we are ultimately adored and appreciated for who we are at that moment, no judgment, no expectations. All the things that others find annoying are suddenly cute and adorable.
And then we Cry.
We cry like blubbering fools, soft middle idiots. vulnerable and messy and alone.
I feel like a bottle of shaken soda today. Not sure which way is up. Or what tomorrow means.
Am I single or in a relationship. Should I embrace loneliness, how many months will it take for the pain to dissipate?
When will my onscreen actor lover appear and make it all better, and at what point in the glorious relationship will he start to get bored.
How old will I be, will I be unlovable then? Will my fear of people keep me from finding a lover and a friend?
Am I too old or too Jaded. Do I even have any trust left in me for others?
Why is February always a month or Turmoil?
Do I want to remain with someone whom clearly is over me just because we have history.
Don't I deserve better.
Someone mail me the strength to make myself act like I know better, really ACT like I know what's good for me.
When everything is fucked up, at least I can say I have 3 adorable puppies whom love me unconditionally and there to catch salty tears.
I know I would be emotionally and mentally clouded on solutions without them by my side.
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No one should remain in a relationship that makes them question their own self-worth. However, leaving the familiar (the history) for the unknown is a big step... still, even being alone (for a little while) is better than being with someone who doesn't value you. Have faith Maxi... things (generally, usually, mostly) work out for the best in the long run!
You. Deserve. Better. You deserve the world. You know my feelings on this, so I won't belabor it. I'm sorry you are hurting again. It's so unfair that this keeps happening after long periods of good times. I wish I could wave my wand and make it better, but alas, the batteries are low and it's recharging.
Regardless, you are not asking for too much, you are not too old, too set in your ways, too unreasonable, and you do still have trust left in you. Just a lot of caution, which is well earned and not a bad thing to have.
Wish I had something better to offer you, other that to remind you that you are a fabulous person that is deserving of so much, and you have to be the one to demand that.
I love you sweetie.