marikdfa

RIP - Joe "the punk rock warlord" Strummer

Life is cruel..

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So much loony, crazy, hysterical shit - what a great trip, and one hell of a new year's eve!

I had a blast at home in pdx the only part that sucked is that it was really cold and really windy,

My friend picked me up from the airport and she just turned 21 so we went to Dot's (my favorite place in the whole world) to celebrate, she had never gotten to sit on the bar side, so she was really stoked.

Friday night Josh got back from Sacto, so we of course hit the town like the mad men we are, and layed havoc to at least five bars, we ended up at Dot's again after being stood up by a friend so she could go get some and leave us hanging.. we again ended up at dot's and I called my friend from here who had just landed in pdx and he was over at the Tonic, so we finished up our drinks and took off to meet him.

Saturday night we pretty much did the same thing, except we ended up at a friend's house, and Josh was being hysterical whining for her to give him a glass of water, somehow a glass of water ended up in us coaxing our other friend to sport one of her pink thongs and jump into the unheated pool at 4am in 28 degree weather..

Even more astonishing is that we offered to pay him no money to do said feat..

And even MORE astonishing is that.. he did it.. pasty white ass cheeks running to the pool at full speed in cannonball attack position, motherfucker went both feet into the murky, freezing, ball shriveling depths of the apartment pool, and I nearly pissed myself, for the rest of the trip we would hear about how that was not such a great idea, but then again - most things we've done aren't such great ideas, like that time we called live links and pretended to be three hot and horny cheerleaders on summer break from college, and we gave him the address of the guy who we already habitually fucked with, but the four drops of pee distilling in my cargo pants were well worth it when the home owner that feared four thirteen year old kids came to the door with shotgun in hand and started screaming at the middle aged bald guy that was standing on his front porch expecting to get laid by three beach bunny airheads, then again - that was probably a good idea.. nearly ingenious..Anyway the point is with a little captain and coke fuel instilled, bad ideas, (like snorting a line of wasabi) turn into effortless tasks that one can easily be coaxed into for the amusement of others..

And that is what my circle of best friends pride ourselves on, amusement at the expense of others.. particularly the others that are less intelligent, or just pricks in general.. and then there's always the incestual verbal rapings, we are in a constant war to berate the other as much as possible.. sick, sick amusement, one person gets drunk and starts thinking that looking up escorts in the yellow pages, and then turning them away repetitively sounds like something funny to do, and the other person has to top him, nobody in their drunken haze ever stops to think that maybe the hooker's pimp might show up and not think it was that funny, in fact, he might think it's so not funny that he wants a $40 "cancellation fee" - of course what does said friend do? with balls of steel, and grit in his teeth, he looks said pimp up and down and tells him point blank to "Go fuck himself, cos he's got nothing coming to him"

at this point the game is over, I've seen this scene played out in a Lifetime movie somewhere, I think I will eventually die in Portland, but I wasn't planning on laying those plans in concrete, and definitely not before New Year's Eve.. so we slip out and leave and call it a night.

Sunday night, repeat Friday, Saturday - except this time we end up at Dante's (my favorite bar in the whole wide world) Dante's is an old Chang's Mongolian Grill, it was the gutter punk's DREAM spot to eat, I used to spange, or sell some records at second Ave, and for $8 you had all you can eat lamb, chicken, noodles, rice, tons of shit, tons of really good shit

We get to Dante's for Sinferno, we wandered around, went to the Cobalt for Sunday School.. there was 7 people in there, we ask when Sunday School starts, the bartender says 11pm, we say we'll return, call comes in, our friend needs a ride, two of us leave Dante's, go and pick her up, she expresses the need to get really drunk, because she just got off work, and she had a shitty night at the strip club, I say i'll buy all of her drinks, and that it's good to see her again, we depart - we arrive back at Dante's, drink more, two members of the group are still getting harassed for going to the weird creepy place next door to Dante's and not coming back for a half an hour while we all wait... 11:20pm, we get bored, make our way to the cobalt, expecting visions of dancing girls in Catholic schoolgirl outfits, somehow.. I feel cheated.. the same seven people are huddled around the bar.. maybe it's ritual night I say, my friend expresses a desire to go to a strip club.. we go to Mary's, a pretty girl dances to the ramones and the clash, and I give her money, I again realize that I am the biggest loner geek in the world, and I tip according to song every time I go to one of these places.

She convinces Josh that we need to go to Doc's I point out that it is swiftly approaching beer thirty, and we should instead go to Union Jacks.. she likes that idea better, and we go.

Once at Union Jacks, she immediately befriends the dj, (they must be in the same stripper Union) because she now has complete control over what is played for the rest of the night, and we hear nothing but flamboyant butt rock, she says "i'm not drunk yet, come on, do Jaeger shots with me" six later, and ten more captain and cokes, and some godawful concoction called a buttery nipple i am finally, TRASHED, we skate early to hit the plaid pantry and get more beer, it's 2:20am, we return to the hotel, and are immediately told we're going swimming.

3:00am i'm in a pool, I'm very drunk, and I realize every 30 seconds that it is nothing short of a miracle that I haven't drown yet.. because I am spitting into the water vent on the side of the pool, yet I never see any spit actually fly into the vent.. Where has it all gone? "dude you are FUCKED UP, you can't even spit you tard!" -- I have solved the mystery of the missing spit, quick, wash it off.. down I go into the pool, but something is wrong, my nose is running... quick sniff the snot back inside.. wait.. maybe that isn't snot.. but before I can finish the thought my body has acted without my formal consent and I breathe in a lungful of chlorinated water..

It's time to leave the pool.. wait, why is he wearing her panties?.. did she skinny dip? oh well, whatever.. we go outside, my shoes are on, how did I get my shoes on? why am I tasting rain? why is there a piece of dried gum in front of my face? oh.. I'm lying down, fallen.. shit, I thought I was better off than this..

somewhere around 5am, we're in the hotel room, i'm double fisting Heinken.. she's sitting on my lap.. what is she doing? I thought we were just friends.. why haven't I thrown up yet, I can't even see straight.. my roomate kicks us out.. there are beer bottles everywhere.

6am i'm in a car, again she sits on my lap, faintly I hear something, "you guys should just crash at my house" and then she licks my ear, "and you can sleep in my bed" - I'm confused, why haven't I thrown up yet? I drank enough to kill an elephant.. I mixed beer and alcohol at every turn.. when was the last time I threw up anyway? a sharp pain pierces my ear, she bit me.. does she know that I'm not paying attention to her? I hope she didn't break the skin.

7:30am - we arrive back at her place, Josh opens the door, she gets out, and pukes.. somehow I get out and we all walk upstairs, she is coming to LA on Thursday, I have to give her my number so she can get ahold of me, she had asked me earlier to take her out and show her the city, I write terribly, I can't see the paper, I can't see the pen.. she looks like she was cloned six times, and I am staring at all of them at once.. my vision shakes, like that of a V-lock control on one of those old television sets that you can never get to balance out no matter how long you take, I pass out, and wake up, i'm at my door, I can't get the key in.. I grab the deadbolt to stop it from moving, but it doesn't help, I panic, it's cold, the snot on my nose is half frozen, and my knee is throbbing,I can feel something running down my leg, it's warm.. is it piss? did I actually piss myself? am I that drunk? a quick check reveals the liquid to be blood.. great.. when did that happen? Did I black out? I can't remember.. I surmuse that this is the most wasted I have ever been in my life. I must have had thirty drinks, most of them accompanied by a shot of either 151, or jaeger.. I don't like this feeling, i'm too much of a control freak to be comfortable with this.

I stumble into the house, and grab something to eat from the cupboard, i'm in the bedroom.. I take off my pants one leg at a time.. halfway through I realize how this is one of those "Really bad ideas" now i'm falling backwards, the bed isn't pushed against the wall, it leaves a nice gap.. a nice gap to fall in to.. and there is of course also that bed post at the foot of the bed.. I blink.. I lift my shirt.. more blood.. this has turned into quite a night, my side is ripped open, and blood seeps out, I guess I didn't miss that bed post after all..

"Oh well" I get up and decide to sit on the bed before taking my pants off, and then I drift off into the land of sleep... sleep, my old friend.. sometimes I wish I was narcoleptic.. but right at that moment I just wished I was sober.. I couldn't think anymore.. had to rest.. for NYE would be the best one yet, and to say I had no idea for what I was in for, would be a grave understatement..