I am being CONSTANTLY reminded of my ex, Andy. He was my great love. It's been almost 2 years since I made the biggest mistake of my life by cheating and ending that relationship. So I guess you can say I've been in love with him one way or another for over 7 years now. And it sucks. He haunts my dreams. My alarm woke me yesterday morning to the song by Mark Wills...think it's called "you'll think of me" but either way, he used to sing it to me when I had never heard it, trying to see if I recognized it. Although, he had a horrible singing voice and I wouldn't have recognized "Celebration" if he sang it. Well the first time I DID hear it was on our way back from the beach, I stopped in a gas station and it was playing. There was something at work...but we went to Fuddruckers after our softball game last night, and played our song, "You and I Both" by Jason Mraz. Sure, they play that song all over the place all the time. But jeez.
I wake up crying sometimes, some of the dreams are soooooo real. I sit here, wanting to just sit in bed with him and have conversations. He always loved to explain things to me, especially cars. He's so intelligent, I was always so intimidated by him and his family. I'm fairly bright but they all were geniuses. I miss his family too. I miss driving to see him, he lived in Virginia when I was in Greensboro. I can't contact him. I have, sent a couple texts. But he's had 2 girlfriends since we broke up. The first, was lurking around when we were still together, trying to get to him since I was 2 hours away. But unlike me, he was always faithful. The second, was really uncomfortable with the fact I still had his high school ring. Probably doesn't want him talking to me. Because I haven't heard anything from him, not since his birthday, which was April. I feel so guilty. I think he's over it, but somehow everytime we talk, he manages to bring up the cheating, which leads me to believe he's not over it.
Thing is, I blacked out that night, I don't remember the cheating, and I hate myself for it daily. I'd do anything, if I could just have another shot. He treated me like complete SHIT for the first 3 years of our 5 and a half year go...and I forgave him every time he came back. Put up with so much, his drug addiction, his drinking, his DUI, broke ass, SO much. He could have given me another chance. But I guess what I did is completely unforgiveable compared.
Maybe I just need to get out of the past. I tried. The last two guys I had semi-relationships with were, distracting, at best. Now that both of those are well in the past, my feelings for Andy just seem to resurface.
I need therapy. Got no insurance though. And too much pride.
I also need a home for my cat. I don't want to give him up, but I have to. Maybe it will only be for a year. I might try to move back to Greensboro in a year or so. I'm gonna put in a word with my bakery district manager and let him know if anything opens up in the boro I'm up for a transfer. Maybe.
I wake up crying sometimes, some of the dreams are soooooo real. I sit here, wanting to just sit in bed with him and have conversations. He always loved to explain things to me, especially cars. He's so intelligent, I was always so intimidated by him and his family. I'm fairly bright but they all were geniuses. I miss his family too. I miss driving to see him, he lived in Virginia when I was in Greensboro. I can't contact him. I have, sent a couple texts. But he's had 2 girlfriends since we broke up. The first, was lurking around when we were still together, trying to get to him since I was 2 hours away. But unlike me, he was always faithful. The second, was really uncomfortable with the fact I still had his high school ring. Probably doesn't want him talking to me. Because I haven't heard anything from him, not since his birthday, which was April. I feel so guilty. I think he's over it, but somehow everytime we talk, he manages to bring up the cheating, which leads me to believe he's not over it.
Thing is, I blacked out that night, I don't remember the cheating, and I hate myself for it daily. I'd do anything, if I could just have another shot. He treated me like complete SHIT for the first 3 years of our 5 and a half year go...and I forgave him every time he came back. Put up with so much, his drug addiction, his drinking, his DUI, broke ass, SO much. He could have given me another chance. But I guess what I did is completely unforgiveable compared.
Maybe I just need to get out of the past. I tried. The last two guys I had semi-relationships with were, distracting, at best. Now that both of those are well in the past, my feelings for Andy just seem to resurface.
I need therapy. Got no insurance though. And too much pride.
I also need a home for my cat. I don't want to give him up, but I have to. Maybe it will only be for a year. I might try to move back to Greensboro in a year or so. I'm gonna put in a word with my bakery district manager and let him know if anything opens up in the boro I'm up for a transfer. Maybe.
But first of all, you have to forgive yourself. You are only human. Mistakes are how we learn. You deserve to be happy, and you will be. It doesn't matter if he can or cannot forgive you, because you are moving on to better things.
Just remember, we have a room down here just waiting for you, and lots of people who would love to help you feel better and see how amazing you are.
Love you.
This guy's name isn't Josh, but he's pretty dumb all the same. I think clueless/naive would be a better word. Seems like he lives his whole life on the internet and never goes outside of his house...cause he can't drive.