m0use

This new friends page thing is almost enough to make me smile, for a moment.
I did disappear for a couple of hours, as my grey bank card ran out of money and i had to my account on my new green card.
I had a very bad day, and i wrote the following in my weblog, and i hope you don't mind me sharing it here. I'm quite upset and scared.

"my secrets:

i am actively suicidal again.

I've purged after binging, about once every other day.

I was somehow able to spend hours doing things while not knowing that time passed or that it was p.m. instead of a.m. and missed a whole day at work.

I am very scared.

The only things keeping me here are very shallow... but very heavy. I mean, they may seem like nothing but boy do they stick.
a. I don't want to die fat and ugly.
b. I don't want to die without leaving something beautiful behind (dying for love or a belief or something is acceptable, but i have no love or belief left in my being)

All i can do is crawl into work on my hands and knees tomorrow and see what happens. the boys have me short-term convinced to stop taking most of my medication.

I dont know. Personally i just. Nevermind.

This is bad. This is so bad."