I'm getting too old for this "Destroyer of Worlds" bullshit.
And unlike the others in the past who had it coming, she's too good to deserve it.
And i don't know how to get better, or how to get her safely away.
I've been so bad lately. Nothing but hate and apathy in cycles. My being able to be distracted with fun is in much shorter spans of time. I can't eat without throwing up. It's like all my grief and anger reside in my stomach and when i eat it says "fuck you, i live here now" and kicks it out.
I've always been like this but not this bad but people don't see that. I could blame it all on my father's death... is that what this is? Me feeling lower than i have in at least 2 or 3 years? I didn't really have a relationship with him, truth be known it's easy to be in denial about it because he was absent anyway, but i know it is affecting me deeply. Maybe it just cemented the hopelessness and futility of life. Showed me for certain that life is unfair and hates me more than anyone. I've really had a lot of this bad crap shoveled on me throughout my whole life, but no one sees it. They just think i'm an angst machine and give me their little pat and "cheer up" or yell at me until i cry like i'm a bad rebellious teenager disappointing her parents. (my mom, in reality, is so clueless during all of this as to be completely useless.)
I've missed so much work that i'm surprised i still have a job but i mostly don't care. I broke a lower tooth but i have lost much of my ability to feel pain (except for when it counts to my myalgic diseases), and have long lost any ability to feel pleasure. I have no talents or skills and my mental capacity is dwindling. I forget things, have no concentration, no grasp on reality-vs-dreams, and am becoming delusional.
I spend my whole days feeling drugged (even if i have been off medications for a week) and can not keep myself from sleeping. SLEEP NOT LIFE. That is my motto, is all i have.
And the doctors are of course, useless useless useless. They just combine everything with my pre-existing conditions and grief over death in the family and say things like... "don't nap during the day, trying getting even 9! hours of straight sleep. Walk instead." I swear at them from under the blanket i have pulled over my head.
I'm not just being me. "Oh look, it's S______, she's sad again." "Look, mouse writes another depressing post." Godfuckingdammit. I may have been this way on and off for 7+ years but it's all response to the stimuli life has been giving me since then. I'm not an angsty sadkid. I'm too old for this crap. I'm just too tired to care enough to do anything about now, even if i knew what to do. I am left with nothing but my cycles of hate and apathy. The futility of life.
I live in a dank, grey squalor now and will vomit on anyone who comes too close. Don't touch, i could be contagious.
And unlike the others in the past who had it coming, she's too good to deserve it.
And i don't know how to get better, or how to get her safely away.
I've been so bad lately. Nothing but hate and apathy in cycles. My being able to be distracted with fun is in much shorter spans of time. I can't eat without throwing up. It's like all my grief and anger reside in my stomach and when i eat it says "fuck you, i live here now" and kicks it out.
I've always been like this but not this bad but people don't see that. I could blame it all on my father's death... is that what this is? Me feeling lower than i have in at least 2 or 3 years? I didn't really have a relationship with him, truth be known it's easy to be in denial about it because he was absent anyway, but i know it is affecting me deeply. Maybe it just cemented the hopelessness and futility of life. Showed me for certain that life is unfair and hates me more than anyone. I've really had a lot of this bad crap shoveled on me throughout my whole life, but no one sees it. They just think i'm an angst machine and give me their little pat and "cheer up" or yell at me until i cry like i'm a bad rebellious teenager disappointing her parents. (my mom, in reality, is so clueless during all of this as to be completely useless.)
I've missed so much work that i'm surprised i still have a job but i mostly don't care. I broke a lower tooth but i have lost much of my ability to feel pain (except for when it counts to my myalgic diseases), and have long lost any ability to feel pleasure. I have no talents or skills and my mental capacity is dwindling. I forget things, have no concentration, no grasp on reality-vs-dreams, and am becoming delusional.
I spend my whole days feeling drugged (even if i have been off medications for a week) and can not keep myself from sleeping. SLEEP NOT LIFE. That is my motto, is all i have.
And the doctors are of course, useless useless useless. They just combine everything with my pre-existing conditions and grief over death in the family and say things like... "don't nap during the day, trying getting even 9! hours of straight sleep. Walk instead." I swear at them from under the blanket i have pulled over my head.
I'm not just being me. "Oh look, it's S______, she's sad again." "Look, mouse writes another depressing post." Godfuckingdammit. I may have been this way on and off for 7+ years but it's all response to the stimuli life has been giving me since then. I'm not an angsty sadkid. I'm too old for this crap. I'm just too tired to care enough to do anything about now, even if i knew what to do. I am left with nothing but my cycles of hate and apathy. The futility of life.
I live in a dank, grey squalor now and will vomit on anyone who comes too close. Don't touch, i could be contagious.
VIEW 11 of 11 COMMENTS
vazquez:
Look if you need to eat and hold it down got to Franco's Pizzeria on moody st. in waltham. Francos will take care of everything.
psychobilly1322:
Wow. Look, I don't want to sound like I'm trying to underscore your loss, here. But I've seen and dealt with what you're going through. I am in the Marine Corps and just got back from Iraq. I have seen guys I've only known for only 2-3 years, but were closer than most family, get blown apart in gruesome, horrible demonstrations of human frailty. These are guys I lived and worked with...spent most of my adult life getting to know their families and their hopes, dreams, and plans. And I watched them die horribly or saw their bodies afterward. The point I'm making is this: No amount of words will ever erase a loss, nor will any amount of yelling lessen the burden. However, there comes a point when brooding becomes counter-peoductive. I don't want to sound like the ending of a Brady Bunch episode, but there is something to be learned from every life experience. Even if it's something as small as learning the depths your heart can fall to or what your emotional/mental limits are, there is still something to gain...ALWAYS. I learned not to take ANYTHING for granted anymore from my experiences. Life has gained such a flavor now that it becomes impossible to imagine my mentality before. Regardless of how much your father was around, he was still your FATHER.....half your reason for being. I know adopted people, who, on learning of the death of their real parents, whom they've never met..feel a HUGE sense of loss. It is simply an aspect of the human condition. They are your blood. Doctors, ARE of course, USELESS....They make their living treating symtoms, not sickness. So they don't give a shit about the root of the problem, as long as they can numb ya enough for a while. Numbness is the body's self defense. The state of shock that erupts after a significant loss is enough to make the strongest men nearly comatose for periods of time. I know...I've seen it. Finally, as far as you not having talents or skills, that is total bullshit. I can tell simply by reading your posting, that you are VERY intelligent, wel, read and spoken, and you have a passion for life and others that is so excessive, you feel an empathatic pang on others' misfortune. Don't sell yourself short, girl....'cause when it comes with dealin up and movin on...ur really the only friend you got. So, take a deep breath, and a good look around. Try to notice and appreciate something you never did before, and take comfort in it. And, most importantly, take it one day at a time. Good luck, and if you need someone to talk to, feel free ta hit me up.