lylee

Well....you guess it..he didn't show...

I went to a wedding show tonight with my friend because I am a bridesmaid. It was beauitful. It was out in the farm country kinda and there was everything you could ask for. It was so cute and I kept thinking about how him and I spoke about getting married. I want a cup cake CAKE and he mentioned he wanted rubber duckies...as soon as I walked in the door, there it was..a cup cake cake..with rubber duckies.. ugh. I walked around for 2 hours and had him stuck in my head. It was sad because I was picturing him and I doing that. Him and I being so happy and in love....but that will never happen

I understand he has cancer but I can't know how he feels. He tells me he doesnt feel well, thats fine. Well no its not fine. i dont want him not feeling well. But at the same time he doesnt need to lie to me and say he's going to sleep at 8:30pm when i know thats a lie. His son doesnt even sleep till 10pm.

he txt me and said he promises to come over on tuesday..but you know what? I dont know if i can believe him anymore. I don tknow if i can trust anything he says. I thought I was important to him, I thought he would do anything for me...but unfortunatly that was just me being niave. I did everything in my power to make him love me again, to make him have feelings for me and heck-maybe even think about me. But nothing is working. He really doesnt care about me and doesn't want me in his life..so i have to let go. I have to move on and not bother him anymore. I'm just in his way and if i'm in anyones life, I want it to be for the better. Not to be a pain in the ass

he was supposed to come to thanksgiving dinner with me to meet my parents this weekend. I was looking forward to it so much. But now he's going to spend it with his son, his ex, and her family...Im really starting to think he wants her back again...I mean why give up time with me to be with her?

so needless to say. i'm heartbroken..but I need to move on..

will it be easy? no...will it take a while? yes..

but it's something I need to do

As much as i wish it was a fairy tale and hed do anything for me...in this fairy tail, i am not his princess... But when he finds his princess Im sure he will have a happy and well deserved ending...

me...well...i dont know anymore. baby steps I guess. I wish i could get over him as quick as he got over me, but unfortunately I was actually IN love and it's not as simple..

the end

{EDIT}

just went for a drive..went down to the country, to the airport. saw some planes and this one huge plane outside of the airport that is for show. Also saw a train. for some reason planes and trains make me smile. Maybe because they give me hope that life ha something nice out there for me.. and change will and can happen. who knows

im still sad as hell though.i cant just get over him like me did me. he..he doesnt even care about my feelings. its always about him.if he loved me, he'd make this work. i guess i wish he cared about me and realised how great i am and would just show up and surprise me, or..i dunno. but..he doesnt even want me. i cant get over that. it hurts, i wish we didnt talk about marriage and kids if i was just a joke to him