lukebunny

wierd about that dream. I'd like to see what I'd have said to you. I've probably taken ghandi wisdom like proportions in your subconcious.

you can't seperate life from work. everyone says, thinks and deludes themselves into believeing they can, but until you stop, those strange ropes of something entangle themselves around everything you touch.

you'll find when you have non work sex, you'll be comparing it to work, and the simple fact is, your sharing your body between your two lives and selves. The same movements, sounds, pleasures, tricks, techniques, speeds. Your body doesn't know the difference, it's just your mind that seperates the two and lessens the pleasure in one.

and you'll find emotion struggles to override the pattern. you'll start treating those you choose to fuck like clients.

you'll have a lot of the clients in too in which you'll have that feeling of loosing control. sometimes you may be hurt. your getting as physically close to another human being as possible and asking many a person who can't do the work/love split and differentiate to be impersonal.

it's not the work that drives you insane. it's just that the answers to your questions run in circles and overlap other questions, so you get so confused you think your insane and no answer to anything you ask yourself is completely true.

i don't know if your into spiritual stuff, but buy some sage incense sticks. (or sage sticks). before you go to a job, or work for the night, try and meditate and get your mind calm and clear, then visualise white light and the power of your own energy. light the sticks and weave the smoke slowly around your body, focusing on it creating a barrier between your energy and the world.

when you get home, light it again and imagine the smoke drawing out all the chaotic colours and energies until your energy is white again.

it's an excersise i've used to calm myself and been told it helps to keep your energy yours. you'll find being with so many people, in your personal and work life, getting so close to people means you will absorb a lot of male energy and it just makes you sketchy, jittery and all over the place.

and down the track, you'll find out you will have a lot of conflicting emotions. you'll love and hate the same thing at the same time. don't look at the work, or what you do, or how many as a whole. because we forget we are dealing intimately with human beings. just look at each job seperately, and deal with your feelings in that isolated bubble. you can love one client without going insane because you hate another but it's the same work.

i'm not so eloquent anymore, i've been here there and everywhere. I can't explain anything to you because I don't know how to explain it. And I can't warn or warp your ideas, opinions of feelings because they aren't mine and your emotional nuances that will arise will be different to mine.

you'll be empowered, learned, experienced, humble, empathetic, understanding, loving, hating, horny, loosing your sex drive, getting off on selling yourself like you wouldn't believe, the degredation will feed you, you'll stop and crave it because your addicted to that dirty side, the anonomous, the known, you'll cry, scream, kiss and fall in love. you'll sell your body in any which way eventually if you tell yourself your only doing it for the money.

if you want to hold back a part of yourself for your own emotional pleasure and exclusivity, then don't make money your sole reason. find parts of your work you love, you crave that gets you off. once you start doing it for the money, you'll do one, two, three, five men at a time, your pussy, your mouth, your ass, you'll lety them blow loads anywhere, you'll eat it, gargle it. you'll piss and shit on them and let them do it to you. you'll let them treat you like a whore because you know the clock is ticking.

i don't know baby.

i feel like i've lost something. i've gained something. every question I ask myself or every reason, every word never rings true. there are too many shades of grey.

somedays, i feel like I gave a little piece of my soul to everyone I've every fucked. so there's hundreds and hundreds of misplaces pieces of my soul swirling around somewhere.
I didn't give it, they didn't take it, it merely just passed between us because we treated what is our greatest gift to another human being on a physical plane as something momentary.

In this work you loose your self worth to
find your true value. just don't make the mistake of beleiving that because you've sold yourself for less, that the market won't pay what you set.

don't define yourself by what you do. but if asked, say proudly of what you have been and what it has made you. don't regret what you think you've lost and sacrifced, and know that what you've gained pales in comparison.

I sort of believe i lost a part of my soul to realise I had one. And know in recognising what is possible, and it's form and shape, that when I go looking for it, I can find it again.

and god help anyone that steps in my way.

well, that little rant kind of helped me. I hope it sort of helps you, a lot of it may not make sense until afterwards, maybe even years.

like anything in life, don't let anyone or anything take more from you that it already has.

revel in the power this work will give you. because it is arcane and ancient and simply you. after a while it will become tangibleand if you use it wisely in your life, you'll realise that power is what people fear in our work. why they try and degrade us.

i think of you often. and hope I'll see you one day xox.