lukeal

Well, completely unsure if anyone will ever read this, but putting things into words helps me work things out in my head. Makes things more real and tangible. So, about a year ago, my feelings for a best friend of 10 or so years undewent a dramatic shift. Just one of those moments when someone I had always viewed as a friend (and actually been annoyed that I wasn't attracted to her since she was so incredibly awesome) metamorphasized into, well, the only person I have been attracted to for the past year.

I attempted to broach the subject of the change and got cut off at the knees every time. The last time with a very clear "I think of you as a big brother" and "thinking of me as anything other than a friend is inappropriate". To be complete, this was in response to flirting and talking about relationships and not a direct declaration of the fact that I am in love with her as opposed to loving and valuing her as my best friend.

God, I know it is such a fucking cliche story. But I was good and accepted her obvious lack of interest. Hell, my lack of interest in anyone else actually made a couple of people who were lukewarm towards me feel that 'arousing' me was now a challenge. So I tried to move on and just accept that I loved someone who didn't love me and we were both adult enough to be honest and handle it.

But, you know, I really picked people that were awful for me. No future. and just wicked wrapped barb wire souls that scar anyone that comes near them. And all the while, I got even closer to my friend. We started doing things that only fucking couples do. It might've been in my head, crazy, reading too much into things that really good friends do. but other people commented, friends, people I tried dating. I ignored it. almost completely.

Hell, talked to her about her going out with other people and gave her advice. was sad that it wasn't me and frustrated when she complained about someone being an idiot. Not that I would be perfect, but well... yeah.. not fooling myself even. But I had it handled... well enough at least that it didn't fuck with our friendship.

And then we went out dancing tonight. It was a blast and we were having an awesome time. We usually have a good time dancing, and this was one of those nights that would be a "remember that great night". Then some older married woman basically tries to molest me on the dance floor. I extricated myself trying to be nice and there she is being mauled by some asshole... laughing and enjoying it even as she is protesting and fending off the more inappropriate things.

and homicidal fury just doesn't cut it. I don't get jealous ever in a relationship, but this guy will never know how close he was from being ripped limb from limb. Only the fact that I have dealt with this kind of rage since I was a child really stopped me from doing anything... permanent. I walked away.

I got all the way to the cab before I realized I had her keys. So I had to go back. I remember going inside and seeing them dancing still, and then redness, and being back outside again gulping deep breaths of air. 4 bouncers were watching me warily. I managed to go back in and stuff the keys in her jacket without having to see them. And left. took a cab home.

So what the fuck do you do... sitting here with fury just simmering at the thought of her with someone else. The only rationale thought I have had in the past 3 hours:

If I could make the perfect woman, it wouldn't be her. wouldn't be anything like her.

and I'd be wrong.