TEACHERS GONE WILD!!!
Here's an update at the behest of Goob, a woman I cannot say "no" to:
I feel a little derelict in my job, lately, as teacher. One of the reasons is that as a teacher I'm supposed to point my students towards the right types of knowledge and to keep them away from the wrong forms of intellectual pursuits. You know, the kind that can serve no purpose but to get them in trouble with society in general.
Somehow it just "slipped out" - I don't know how or why we got on this topic of conversation in class - but within minutes, as a class, we were discussing the finer points of "Your Mom" type of insults.
That's when I brought up Momjitsu.
Momjitsu is something my friends and I perfected when we were kids in high school. All I had to do was mention it once and the students were hooked. Now they are mom-striking and blocking like masters. It is because of this I feel like I have betrayed my craft.
So, below, I am listing the rules of Momjitsu so that (if you want) you can learn of the ancient and arcane ways of the Momjitsu masters. I warn you - once you head down this road, there is no turning back.
====================================================
MOMJITSU
Momjitsu is the ancient form of battle, developed in suburban Philadelphia in the late 1980s, in which combatants inflict pain upon each other by busting on their opponent's mom. Below is a scroll discovered in the school newspaper office, where many momjitsu battles took place.
The Art of Momjitsu
1) "Yo mama" is not momjitsu. "Yo mama" is an unprovoked attack, a lesser weapon than the true execution of momjitsu. "Yo mama" could be said to you, to me, to the man on the street, to thirteenth President Millard Fillmore, and to a wall -- all with the same effect. One who executes true momjitsu makes his (or, if it's your mom, her) opponent wish that the very words leaving their mouth could be called back, returned to their source, un-said. Thus the opponent is the source of her (or, if it's one of the twelve sailors who pulled a train on your mom last night) his own defeat.
Comment: "Snaps," as they were called on the HBO special, are the white-belt level of momjitsu. "Your mama's so ugly that if she was a dog, I'd shave her ass and teach her to walk backwards," is momjitsu mastery not.
2) The true master of momjitsu finds for attack, openings where it seems there are none. Much like when doing your mom.
Comment: Any comment one makes is an opportunity to talk about doing someone's mom. It is in this heightened zen state that if someone says, "Oh, this berry is juicy," you can leap in with, "That's what I said to your mom last night."
3) As a human being who opens their mouth to speak, you inherently create openings that can be exploited by another practitioner of momjitsu. In most cases, you can stop a momjitsu blow from hitting you by executing a block, which you perform my saying "block." Doing so acknowledges your mastery of your own words, and recognition of their momjitsu potential, and hence weakens the blow of an opponent. HOWEVER, if your own words create an opening so wide (such as your mom's vagina) as to invite a momjitsu finishing move from an opponent, just saying "block" will not be sufficient to weaken the blow.
Comment: My mom was telling me how much she liked "Tootsie." [BLOCK]
4) Momjitsu is an ancient and storied art, not at all like volleyball. One does not "set oneself up" to deliver a momstrike. Only when the opponent is so foolish as to speak does the momjitsu master allow the force of the speaker's words to destroy the fool without pity.
Momjitsu is a subtle art. Only the most gentle deflection of the words of the fool are worthy of the momjitsu master. There are several forms of this redirection:
* Chameleon style uses similarity of fool's words and mom's actions to coincide with deleterious gentleness.
e.g. "not unlike your mom does the sun go down."
* The Snake in the Grass style furtively infiltrates a mom clause into an otherwise innocent sentence, which of course what I did to your mom last night. As a jujitsu master turns the physical energy momentum of his opponent against him, the momjistu master uses both his opponent's words and lewdness to inflict harm.
* Some of the mightiest strikes are reserved for the advanced Venus Flytrap Style [BLOCK], in which one compares the mother of another to something seemingly innocent, even nonsensical, and allowing the suspicious listener to make the derogatory inference. Thus does the mind strike itself.
e.g. Yeah, and last night I "towed" your mom!
* The Death Blossom tactic was invented by Bye-Bye Finkelstein to crush the inexperienced momjitsu fighter. Death Blossom employs "in the AZZ" as the death blow.
e.g. A man says, "Man, that hole is deep!" to which momjistu master replies, "That's what I said last night when I did your mom. IN THE AZZ!" The opponent is now rendered out for the count.
* Momjitsu, being a passive art, has no tiger style. That is reserved for your mom.
5) Mercy has a place in momjitsu. The master who obtains infinite power uses momjitsu not only to strike down one's enemies, but to impart knowledge on to the grasshopper. In these cases, the true master uses momjitsu to point out the fallacy of the potential victim's speech, in hopes the victim learns from the master. The master teases and plays with the grasshopper, but does not use a hard thrust. Much in the way I did with your mom last night. Destruction is averted, yet the message is clear. The wise student learns from this and, in time becomes the master.
6) History has shown that it is impossible to discuss the following issues without leaving yourself open to mom jokes: the penal code, prostitution, the collected writings of Mary Wollstonecraft Shelly other than Frankenstein, and the presidential order of succession. If do right, is no defense, to quote Mr. Miyagi.
Exercise
Mastery of the art of momjitsu requires above all discipline, coincidentally, very much like your mom. Below are beginning and intermediate level momjitsu exercises. Beginners should match the seemingly innocuous statement to its momjitsu response in the list that follows. Intermediate momjitsu students should cover the list of responses and write down their own, then compare them to the master responses.
Statements
1. Surveys conducted by the Organic Trade Association reveal about two-thirds of American consumers have bought organic products at least once.
2. Let me know when you can come by and I'll leave them out for you.
3. Also, you'll need to figure out a good way to make it stick to your dashboard.
4. It may need to be oiled because it squeaks when it is used.
5. This garden cart has seen better days, but still has miles of use in it.
6. I have the hammock, I just need a frame.
7. The Nationals don't draw enough of a crowd.
Responses (match each one to the appropriate statement above):
a. That's exactly what your mom said when I told her that I was getting tired of doing her IN THE AZZ.
b. Your mom was a frame for my hammock last night.
c. Not entirely unlike your mom.
d. Why don't you ask your mom what she uses on her ass before I pick her up?
e. True, unless it's "Free Hat for Everyone Who Has Done Your Mom Night."
f. That's exactly what I told your mom last night while I let her suck my cock.
g. That's interesting, because a similar study revealed that about two-thirds of Americans have consumed your mom at least once.
============================================================
"Venus Flytrap Style" seems to be the student's favorite fighting technique so far.
Here are the answers to the above exercise:
Answers: 1g, 2f, 3d, 4c, 5f, 6b, 7e
Here's an update at the behest of Goob, a woman I cannot say "no" to:
I feel a little derelict in my job, lately, as teacher. One of the reasons is that as a teacher I'm supposed to point my students towards the right types of knowledge and to keep them away from the wrong forms of intellectual pursuits. You know, the kind that can serve no purpose but to get them in trouble with society in general.
Somehow it just "slipped out" - I don't know how or why we got on this topic of conversation in class - but within minutes, as a class, we were discussing the finer points of "Your Mom" type of insults.
That's when I brought up Momjitsu.
Momjitsu is something my friends and I perfected when we were kids in high school. All I had to do was mention it once and the students were hooked. Now they are mom-striking and blocking like masters. It is because of this I feel like I have betrayed my craft.
So, below, I am listing the rules of Momjitsu so that (if you want) you can learn of the ancient and arcane ways of the Momjitsu masters. I warn you - once you head down this road, there is no turning back.
====================================================
MOMJITSU
Momjitsu is the ancient form of battle, developed in suburban Philadelphia in the late 1980s, in which combatants inflict pain upon each other by busting on their opponent's mom. Below is a scroll discovered in the school newspaper office, where many momjitsu battles took place.
The Art of Momjitsu
1) "Yo mama" is not momjitsu. "Yo mama" is an unprovoked attack, a lesser weapon than the true execution of momjitsu. "Yo mama" could be said to you, to me, to the man on the street, to thirteenth President Millard Fillmore, and to a wall -- all with the same effect. One who executes true momjitsu makes his (or, if it's your mom, her) opponent wish that the very words leaving their mouth could be called back, returned to their source, un-said. Thus the opponent is the source of her (or, if it's one of the twelve sailors who pulled a train on your mom last night) his own defeat.
Comment: "Snaps," as they were called on the HBO special, are the white-belt level of momjitsu. "Your mama's so ugly that if she was a dog, I'd shave her ass and teach her to walk backwards," is momjitsu mastery not.
2) The true master of momjitsu finds for attack, openings where it seems there are none. Much like when doing your mom.
Comment: Any comment one makes is an opportunity to talk about doing someone's mom. It is in this heightened zen state that if someone says, "Oh, this berry is juicy," you can leap in with, "That's what I said to your mom last night."
3) As a human being who opens their mouth to speak, you inherently create openings that can be exploited by another practitioner of momjitsu. In most cases, you can stop a momjitsu blow from hitting you by executing a block, which you perform my saying "block." Doing so acknowledges your mastery of your own words, and recognition of their momjitsu potential, and hence weakens the blow of an opponent. HOWEVER, if your own words create an opening so wide (such as your mom's vagina) as to invite a momjitsu finishing move from an opponent, just saying "block" will not be sufficient to weaken the blow.
Comment: My mom was telling me how much she liked "Tootsie." [BLOCK]
4) Momjitsu is an ancient and storied art, not at all like volleyball. One does not "set oneself up" to deliver a momstrike. Only when the opponent is so foolish as to speak does the momjitsu master allow the force of the speaker's words to destroy the fool without pity.
Momjitsu is a subtle art. Only the most gentle deflection of the words of the fool are worthy of the momjitsu master. There are several forms of this redirection:
* Chameleon style uses similarity of fool's words and mom's actions to coincide with deleterious gentleness.
e.g. "not unlike your mom does the sun go down."
* The Snake in the Grass style furtively infiltrates a mom clause into an otherwise innocent sentence, which of course what I did to your mom last night. As a jujitsu master turns the physical energy momentum of his opponent against him, the momjistu master uses both his opponent's words and lewdness to inflict harm.
* Some of the mightiest strikes are reserved for the advanced Venus Flytrap Style [BLOCK], in which one compares the mother of another to something seemingly innocent, even nonsensical, and allowing the suspicious listener to make the derogatory inference. Thus does the mind strike itself.
e.g. Yeah, and last night I "towed" your mom!
* The Death Blossom tactic was invented by Bye-Bye Finkelstein to crush the inexperienced momjitsu fighter. Death Blossom employs "in the AZZ" as the death blow.
e.g. A man says, "Man, that hole is deep!" to which momjistu master replies, "That's what I said last night when I did your mom. IN THE AZZ!" The opponent is now rendered out for the count.
* Momjitsu, being a passive art, has no tiger style. That is reserved for your mom.
5) Mercy has a place in momjitsu. The master who obtains infinite power uses momjitsu not only to strike down one's enemies, but to impart knowledge on to the grasshopper. In these cases, the true master uses momjitsu to point out the fallacy of the potential victim's speech, in hopes the victim learns from the master. The master teases and plays with the grasshopper, but does not use a hard thrust. Much in the way I did with your mom last night. Destruction is averted, yet the message is clear. The wise student learns from this and, in time becomes the master.
6) History has shown that it is impossible to discuss the following issues without leaving yourself open to mom jokes: the penal code, prostitution, the collected writings of Mary Wollstonecraft Shelly other than Frankenstein, and the presidential order of succession. If do right, is no defense, to quote Mr. Miyagi.
Exercise
Mastery of the art of momjitsu requires above all discipline, coincidentally, very much like your mom. Below are beginning and intermediate level momjitsu exercises. Beginners should match the seemingly innocuous statement to its momjitsu response in the list that follows. Intermediate momjitsu students should cover the list of responses and write down their own, then compare them to the master responses.
Statements
1. Surveys conducted by the Organic Trade Association reveal about two-thirds of American consumers have bought organic products at least once.
2. Let me know when you can come by and I'll leave them out for you.
3. Also, you'll need to figure out a good way to make it stick to your dashboard.
4. It may need to be oiled because it squeaks when it is used.
5. This garden cart has seen better days, but still has miles of use in it.
6. I have the hammock, I just need a frame.
7. The Nationals don't draw enough of a crowd.
Responses (match each one to the appropriate statement above):
a. That's exactly what your mom said when I told her that I was getting tired of doing her IN THE AZZ.
b. Your mom was a frame for my hammock last night.
c. Not entirely unlike your mom.
d. Why don't you ask your mom what she uses on her ass before I pick her up?
e. True, unless it's "Free Hat for Everyone Who Has Done Your Mom Night."
f. That's exactly what I told your mom last night while I let her suck my cock.
g. That's interesting, because a similar study revealed that about two-thirds of Americans have consumed your mom at least once.
============================================================
"Venus Flytrap Style" seems to be the student's favorite fighting technique so far.
Here are the answers to the above exercise:
Answers: 1g, 2f, 3d, 4c, 5f, 6b, 7e
VIEW 25 of 40 COMMENTS
kleio:
For Brookings, there is always McCrory Gardens - usually quite nice in the summertime. Some people think the Campanile is pretty awesome, but it's basically an enormous phallic symbol - the Prick of the Prairie, the Penis of the Plains. Sioux Falls, if you happen to pass through, has a reproduction of the statue of David, which we think is pretty cool. It all depends on what you're looking for.
franandzooey:
Do they ever have sumo in the U.S.? That would be so cool..sumo...sake...and sushi! I would be in heaven! ♥