Dear Nana:
it's March 11th.
It's been exactly two months since you left us.
Two months since I heard the phone ring and felt my heart jump into my throat.
I knew it was Mom before I even picked it up. I knew you had left us.
Why did you have to leave?
You didn't get to see my wedding.
The birth of my first child named after you, as a thank you for naming me.
You didn't get to see what I finally decided to do with my life...if I ever figure out that far.
All see when I close my eyes is your body hooked up to all those wires and needles like a Frankenstein project and it tears me up inside.
I'm angry at you, Nana.
I had so many more days planned with you.
I'd take years off of my life to give them to you.
But you never accepted them.
I visited your grave for the first time last weekend, Nana.
Did you see the heart I left in the snow for you? A heart like my heart, badly drawn, wobbly;
cold and sad.
I suppose I should take pleasure in the fact that you went with your unfailing faith, Nana;
that if there is a heaven you're up there.
Mom will see you again.
I will never, if you are really in Heaven, as Mother says.
I can't.
I just can't.
As much as I would kill for that to happen,
I
Just
Can't.
Sins scar my words even as we speak, sins commited mainly in these past few months, lost in the escapist attempts at forgetting the pain, too much booze, too many nights in a drugged haze, too many curses on God and Fate and Time and Nature and everything else that took you from me, too many nights of deviant sex and too many scars self inflicted, trying to make the pain external, because physical pain I can deal with better. I hope you aren't watching me, Nana, because you'd be very angry. I only showed you my best side, I never showed you the dark.
I worried so much about dissapointing you.
You loved me best, I know it; you thought I was stronger than I am.
I was doing so well in forgetting you, Nana...until I saw your grave, saw the place where your headstone should be, just a mess of dead flowers and a snow-covered mound.
I couldn't bring myself to go too close, worried that my footsteps might be above your beautiful face somehow.
I still wake up every morning hoping it was a dream, and when I go to dial your number and no one answers, I cry all over agan.
I wish Mother hadn't given me all the things you left me, Nana; my room is permeated with you.
How can you not be here when I have everything that is you?
But I close my eyes and try to feel you there and I can't, I just can't.
Your sewing machine accuses me from a ross the room.
I have been using your knitting needles but I can't look at your recipe book;
your handwriting only makes me howl like a dying animal.
Maybe that's all I am, Nana; an animal mortally wounded by the loss of my lifeblood, the loss of you.
Or maybe I'm just a sad, lost little girl, the five year old again, wanting her Nanny.
GOD, WHY DID YOU LEAVE???
I love you so much.
I can't take this pain.
because I will always be
your babylynn
"so tonight ot celebrate, I will poison myself. Another coughing, shaking fit in a bathroom that is spinning. "
it's March 11th.
It's been exactly two months since you left us.
Two months since I heard the phone ring and felt my heart jump into my throat.
I knew it was Mom before I even picked it up. I knew you had left us.
Why did you have to leave?
You didn't get to see my wedding.
The birth of my first child named after you, as a thank you for naming me.
You didn't get to see what I finally decided to do with my life...if I ever figure out that far.
All see when I close my eyes is your body hooked up to all those wires and needles like a Frankenstein project and it tears me up inside.
I'm angry at you, Nana.
I had so many more days planned with you.
I'd take years off of my life to give them to you.
But you never accepted them.
I visited your grave for the first time last weekend, Nana.
Did you see the heart I left in the snow for you? A heart like my heart, badly drawn, wobbly;
cold and sad.
I suppose I should take pleasure in the fact that you went with your unfailing faith, Nana;
that if there is a heaven you're up there.
Mom will see you again.
I will never, if you are really in Heaven, as Mother says.
I can't.
I just can't.
As much as I would kill for that to happen,
I
Just
Can't.
Sins scar my words even as we speak, sins commited mainly in these past few months, lost in the escapist attempts at forgetting the pain, too much booze, too many nights in a drugged haze, too many curses on God and Fate and Time and Nature and everything else that took you from me, too many nights of deviant sex and too many scars self inflicted, trying to make the pain external, because physical pain I can deal with better. I hope you aren't watching me, Nana, because you'd be very angry. I only showed you my best side, I never showed you the dark.
I worried so much about dissapointing you.
You loved me best, I know it; you thought I was stronger than I am.
I was doing so well in forgetting you, Nana...until I saw your grave, saw the place where your headstone should be, just a mess of dead flowers and a snow-covered mound.
I couldn't bring myself to go too close, worried that my footsteps might be above your beautiful face somehow.
I still wake up every morning hoping it was a dream, and when I go to dial your number and no one answers, I cry all over agan.
I wish Mother hadn't given me all the things you left me, Nana; my room is permeated with you.
How can you not be here when I have everything that is you?
But I close my eyes and try to feel you there and I can't, I just can't.
Your sewing machine accuses me from a ross the room.
I have been using your knitting needles but I can't look at your recipe book;
your handwriting only makes me howl like a dying animal.
Maybe that's all I am, Nana; an animal mortally wounded by the loss of my lifeblood, the loss of you.
Or maybe I'm just a sad, lost little girl, the five year old again, wanting her Nanny.
GOD, WHY DID YOU LEAVE???
I love you so much.
I can't take this pain.
because I will always be
your babylynn
"so tonight ot celebrate, I will poison myself. Another coughing, shaking fit in a bathroom that is spinning. "
VIEW 25 of 66 COMMENTS
it never goes away fully, but it does get easier. i don't think about how i found out or the funeral or the time she was sick very much anymore.. i'm working on remembering the good things. it's been 7 years.. i still cry almost every day. grandmas are very special.. i have one left, but i'm about to go through it again.
i don't think there's really an appropriate thing to say.. except that i know the feeling of being watched down upon by someone way better than myself. i don't like that feeling either.
<3