i have just discovered that i have had a severe reaction to the tetanus shot i was given at pickens county health dept. one week ago (april 9th). be advised.
my symptoms are: severe body aches from head to toe (especially in my shoulders), swollen lymph nodes in my neck (with slightly sore throat), & low-grade fever (that comes & goes).
for the past few months i have felt myself on the decline, withering away, dying. i think i will be dead before a year's time. i force myself to try to eat & usually it does not work or i vomit shortly thereafter. i force myself to try to sleep, though when i do finally fall into slumber, i have nightmares about ryan trying to kill me or various other insanities & i sleep for countless hours & would probably never awaken if it weren't for the kids noises. the only time i feel half-way alive is when i'm with friends & quite distracted. slight distractions do no justice.
i am so torn...i want to die. i have wanted to die for years, ever since i was 13. that was the year i lost my virginity to rape. but there are so many more reasons that i want to die that i could list endlessly...so i won't bother.
part of me knows i must live & therefore thinks i must somehow make the most of my insignificant, yet most significant, pathetic little existence. do my kids really need ME? is there some god or gods out there watching & waiting for my submission? or am i GOD? will i be reincarnated into something better or worse? i want to be a good person, but if i am a good person, then why do the ones i love feel pain & why do i?
life seems nothing more than a game & i'm losing. i don't know the rules & whoever does know them & is watching me must be having quite a laugh at my expense. poor poor kai. woe is me.
here is a poem i wrote some years ago:
No remorse felt as I stepped off the ledge
It had all added up and pushed me over the edge
No other escape, no other way out
Wanting to cry and wanting to shout
Being pushed left, being pushed right
Wanting to push back but not to fight
Constantly searching for answers to my prayers
Deathly-depressed cause the answers weren't there
I needed a sister, a brother, a friend
But no one was around on whom I could depend
My mind was a blur, I couldn't see straight
Blinded by loneliness, lovelessness, hate
One last glance back before my suicide dive
Did anyone care if I was alive?
Copyright 2005 Kai October Krysiun
my symptoms are: severe body aches from head to toe (especially in my shoulders), swollen lymph nodes in my neck (with slightly sore throat), & low-grade fever (that comes & goes).
for the past few months i have felt myself on the decline, withering away, dying. i think i will be dead before a year's time. i force myself to try to eat & usually it does not work or i vomit shortly thereafter. i force myself to try to sleep, though when i do finally fall into slumber, i have nightmares about ryan trying to kill me or various other insanities & i sleep for countless hours & would probably never awaken if it weren't for the kids noises. the only time i feel half-way alive is when i'm with friends & quite distracted. slight distractions do no justice.
i am so torn...i want to die. i have wanted to die for years, ever since i was 13. that was the year i lost my virginity to rape. but there are so many more reasons that i want to die that i could list endlessly...so i won't bother.
part of me knows i must live & therefore thinks i must somehow make the most of my insignificant, yet most significant, pathetic little existence. do my kids really need ME? is there some god or gods out there watching & waiting for my submission? or am i GOD? will i be reincarnated into something better or worse? i want to be a good person, but if i am a good person, then why do the ones i love feel pain & why do i?
life seems nothing more than a game & i'm losing. i don't know the rules & whoever does know them & is watching me must be having quite a laugh at my expense. poor poor kai. woe is me.
here is a poem i wrote some years ago:
No remorse felt as I stepped off the ledge
It had all added up and pushed me over the edge
No other escape, no other way out
Wanting to cry and wanting to shout
Being pushed left, being pushed right
Wanting to push back but not to fight
Constantly searching for answers to my prayers
Deathly-depressed cause the answers weren't there
I needed a sister, a brother, a friend
But no one was around on whom I could depend
My mind was a blur, I couldn't see straight
Blinded by loneliness, lovelessness, hate
One last glance back before my suicide dive
Did anyone care if I was alive?
Copyright 2005 Kai October Krysiun
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
Poor sweetie. Tough times, tough thoughts.
Don't doubt for a moment that your kids need AND love you. Sure, they probably drive you nuts at times, but I'll bet there are quiet times too when you can't imagine them not being there. Who is Ryan? How old are your kiddoes? (I know, lots of questions
How often do you get to hang out with your friends? Do they like to play with your kids?
Hang in there, love. I know I don't have much in the way of insightful things to say yet, but I will as I get to know you. i hope.
Above all, take care of yourself, and that will help with all other things.
life is hard, it sucks, it never gets better. but still there is something about seeing a twinkle in some one else's eye that makes it all worthwhile. even if you just pass tha tperson and catch but a glance