I wish I could say that "I don't care" and that "I don't miss you" or say that my heart doesn't feel fried and without hope. I'd like to say it wasn't my fault and that it wasn't your fault either, but the truth remains that five years ago a couple people told us we were rushing and that it wouldn't last. I guess what hurts the most is not being able to talk to you, no cuddles and no one to kiss goodnight. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I didn't think this would happen. I really, honestly didn't. I truly love/loved you with all my heart and soul, and it's like everything got thrown away and I'm just standing there holding the pieces with a confused look upon my face. I gave you everything I had, and everything I could give, and it feels like it was just thrown so simply away.
I know that you are not who I thought you were. I know that. I do this crazy thing where I put the one I love on a pedestal and make them out to be perfect and without defect, and it just makes me miss them even more; it makes me miss you even more. All I ever wanted was my happily ever after with you- I would have gone to the ends of the earth for you (I practically did-giving all of my body to you) with good faith that you wouldn't abandon or reject me--But you did just that! Imagine my surprise when you asked me to help pay your grandmother back because you used her money to take me out without my knowledge! Imagine my surprise when you told me that you were just waiting for me to break up with you, so that you wouldn't have to do it! Imagine that!! I don't want to. I don't want to.
All I want to do is forget my love for you, but it just won't go away. All the memories of us, all the love I gave you, all the trust I had in you... All of it, and you never fought for me- Not even once. Was I not worth it? Heavenly Father and my friends tell me otherwise, but it surely does not feel that I was/am worth it. I feel like nothing. I feel like garbage. And I now have to sit with myself knowing that I gave myself to you, vulnerable upon a goddamn silver platter and that meant nothing. It meant nothing, because you're probably off fucking some cam girl or some girl off of omegle and she's probably freaky just like you like. Just like I can't be. I was never enough for you, but you were always enough for me. I can't stand these thoughts in my head, ever tortuous, ever suffocating, telling me it was all my fault. I can't do this again. I can't love like this again, because it is too much for me. I feel too much, love too much, care too much, and when the wrecking ball comes, there's not one inch of the foundation left.
