Title: In The Dark, I Will Tell You About The Sun...
Wow...
That was one hell of a psychotic episode.
Once again, I cracked up. Usually, i'm in control, but every once in awhile something sets it off, and I either become angry then depressed, or just plain depressed.
To answer some inquiries involving a few posts on my journal:
-It didn't start after college....
Read More
Wow...
That was one hell of a psychotic episode.
Once again, I cracked up. Usually, i'm in control, but every once in awhile something sets it off, and I either become angry then depressed, or just plain depressed.
To answer some inquiries involving a few posts on my journal:
-It didn't start after college....
Read More
mistressrory:
those are some good names...thanks for the ideas... 
Title: Maybe it Wasn't My Last Rant...
I am Lord_Shade.
In real life, I am a simple janitor (I do not use such PC words as 'Custodian' or 'Sanitation Engineer', for they are words merely meant to make 'Janitor' sound respectable.). Quiet, but sometimes the leader when i'm roused out of disinterest.
On the internet, I am Lord_Shade, or Pariah, or D-Rock, or whatever suits...
Read More
I am Lord_Shade.
In real life, I am a simple janitor (I do not use such PC words as 'Custodian' or 'Sanitation Engineer', for they are words merely meant to make 'Janitor' sound respectable.). Quiet, but sometimes the leader when i'm roused out of disinterest.
On the internet, I am Lord_Shade, or Pariah, or D-Rock, or whatever suits...
Read More
oryx:
warning, non-solicited advice from the internet masses:
sometimes the hardest thing to do is stop defining yourself by what others think about you, and start defining yourself by what you think about you. you are the one with the power to control your thoughts about yourself, about your life, about your future. i'm not going to say it's anything but fucking hard, but it is worth the effort in the end to know that your opinion matters first, everyone else a close (or sometimes distant) second.
i went back and read your previous journal. the thing about school is not what (or where) it gets you when you are finished, but what you got out of it when you are in there. a chance to experience new social situations, a chance to interact with people that are at a higher likelyhood to have similiar interests as you, an opportunity to take risks, fail, and go again. sometimes, i have to wonder about why i'm getting myself 20 grand in debt for a program that disappoints me in many ways academically, but i look at what i'm getting out of the program otherwise. a chance to move halfway across the country to the largest city in canada. i seek out profs that know their shit, and pick their brains for as long as they will let me. i end almost every conversation with, 'so do you know of anyone i could send my portfolio to?' if school doesn't get my anywhere, it's because i didn't put enough effort into it, and i have no one to blame but myself.
but like i was saying, this is just un-solicited advice from the masses on the internet. take with a grain of salt, or not at all.
sometimes the hardest thing to do is stop defining yourself by what others think about you, and start defining yourself by what you think about you. you are the one with the power to control your thoughts about yourself, about your life, about your future. i'm not going to say it's anything but fucking hard, but it is worth the effort in the end to know that your opinion matters first, everyone else a close (or sometimes distant) second.
i went back and read your previous journal. the thing about school is not what (or where) it gets you when you are finished, but what you got out of it when you are in there. a chance to experience new social situations, a chance to interact with people that are at a higher likelyhood to have similiar interests as you, an opportunity to take risks, fail, and go again. sometimes, i have to wonder about why i'm getting myself 20 grand in debt for a program that disappoints me in many ways academically, but i look at what i'm getting out of the program otherwise. a chance to move halfway across the country to the largest city in canada. i seek out profs that know their shit, and pick their brains for as long as they will let me. i end almost every conversation with, 'so do you know of anyone i could send my portfolio to?' if school doesn't get my anywhere, it's because i didn't put enough effort into it, and i have no one to blame but myself.
but like i was saying, this is just un-solicited advice from the masses on the internet. take with a grain of salt, or not at all.
Title: One Last Rant Before I Die?
It sure feels that way sometimes. (Sorry Mal', I know I promised a happy post, but you'll have to look elsewhere.)
A day where something reminds you that the poop is going towards the propellar, and you're watching it in slow motion.
I didn't get to contact 'Saleem' when I wanted to. The boyos came over and brought...
Read More
It sure feels that way sometimes. (Sorry Mal', I know I promised a happy post, but you'll have to look elsewhere.)
A day where something reminds you that the poop is going towards the propellar, and you're watching it in slow motion.
I didn't get to contact 'Saleem' when I wanted to. The boyos came over and brought...
Read More
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
holden_caulfield:
Man, I read your post in a group here and decided to visit your profile. You are suffering from some serious feelings of worthlessness. You need to remind yourself that you are not worthless regardless of your profession. There is nothing wrong with being a custodian. That makes me ask myself some questions about you, though.
Are you a custodian because you find it difficult to hold down another job because of your depression? This would be pretty understandable. Custodians often work at night and don't have to interact with people much, except their co-workers of course. Sometimes interacting with people, like your co-workers, exacerbates your depression--which makes you want to stay away from people. It is good that you have friends, though, as long as they are good for you.
Did your depression start in college? Did you finish college? This could be a cause of your depression. I know it is a part of my problem. I have a 3.56 GPA and will graduate with Honors in Basic Studies, but I am one semester short of graduation and can't afford to continue. Unfortunately, a lot of the jobs worth having where I live in Michigan require a college degree. Finishing college will help you find a better job, I almost guarantee it.
It sounds like you are looking for work now. Keep it up, perhaps you will find something that you like better with better coworkers. The sad part of the matter is that, the more you hang around bad people, the more likely you are going to become one of them.
In closing, you might want to consider posting your journal in that group that you visited. You might get some better feedback.
Good luck.
Are you a custodian because you find it difficult to hold down another job because of your depression? This would be pretty understandable. Custodians often work at night and don't have to interact with people much, except their co-workers of course. Sometimes interacting with people, like your co-workers, exacerbates your depression--which makes you want to stay away from people. It is good that you have friends, though, as long as they are good for you.
Did your depression start in college? Did you finish college? This could be a cause of your depression. I know it is a part of my problem. I have a 3.56 GPA and will graduate with Honors in Basic Studies, but I am one semester short of graduation and can't afford to continue. Unfortunately, a lot of the jobs worth having where I live in Michigan require a college degree. Finishing college will help you find a better job, I almost guarantee it.
It sounds like you are looking for work now. Keep it up, perhaps you will find something that you like better with better coworkers. The sad part of the matter is that, the more you hang around bad people, the more likely you are going to become one of them.
In closing, you might want to consider posting your journal in that group that you visited. You might get some better feedback.
Good luck.
drstinkypants:
fuck 'im
the idea that anyone is superior than anyone else is a waste of time. either the idea that someone is better for having a college degree, or for not having one are both silly.
people take different paths. if getting a degree was the way that you arrived at this moment, cool. it may have not advanced your career but at least it was a learning experince, and hell, thats the whole point of college anyway, ya know?
also, he sounds like the kind of petty asshole who justifies his crappy life with the kind of crap you posted above
the idea that anyone is superior than anyone else is a waste of time. either the idea that someone is better for having a college degree, or for not having one are both silly.
people take different paths. if getting a degree was the way that you arrived at this moment, cool. it may have not advanced your career but at least it was a learning experince, and hell, thats the whole point of college anyway, ya know?
also, he sounds like the kind of petty asshole who justifies his crappy life with the kind of crap you posted above
Title: Stay on the Ground or Take to the Air?
I made a decision about my career. if I don't get any decent employment by the end of summer, i'm going to join the Royal Canadian Air Force.
It's either go to the not so exotic worlds of Afghanistan and Haiti with the Army, or flounder as I try to swim in the Navy.
Doesn't...
Read More
I made a decision about my career. if I don't get any decent employment by the end of summer, i'm going to join the Royal Canadian Air Force.
It's either go to the not so exotic worlds of Afghanistan and Haiti with the Army, or flounder as I try to swim in the Navy.
Doesn't...
Read More
TItle: Deconstructing the Savage People
I think alot at work. There's not much challenge in keeping a scrubbing machine straight or sweeping and mopping. It leaves me with plenty of imagination and thinking time. One perk in what is a very dull, unsuccessful and unprestigious job.
I came to think often of why I was the way I was in high school. But then it...
Read More
I think alot at work. There's not much challenge in keeping a scrubbing machine straight or sweeping and mopping. It leaves me with plenty of imagination and thinking time. One perk in what is a very dull, unsuccessful and unprestigious job.
I came to think often of why I was the way I was in high school. But then it...
Read More
Title: Too Lazy For a Real Title
My weekend in a nutshell:
-Friday: Had to work. My roommate planned a 24 hour Heroes Unlimited game, and I wanted to join in. When I last left to visit my folks, I told Raven specifically to try and plan it during a day when I have the day off, emphasizing that I wanted to join in.
So...
Read More
My weekend in a nutshell:
-Friday: Had to work. My roommate planned a 24 hour Heroes Unlimited game, and I wanted to join in. When I last left to visit my folks, I told Raven specifically to try and plan it during a day when I have the day off, emphasizing that I wanted to join in.
So...
Read More
demonika:
No hype at all man...didnt you ever listen to them in the 80's? or 90's? They are sooo good....*starts to sing...I was all dressed in black, she was all dressed up in black...BLACK* Soooo good!!
Title: My Luck or My Folly?
Lately, my days have been fraught with blessings.
Though granted, my privacy has been cut short due to constant guests of my roommate Raven, I have still been able to enjoy the nice spring weather, the latest films (I just saw Hellboy, not bad but I expected better), and even enjoy some music (my song of the week is...
Read More
Lately, my days have been fraught with blessings.
Though granted, my privacy has been cut short due to constant guests of my roommate Raven, I have still been able to enjoy the nice spring weather, the latest films (I just saw Hellboy, not bad but I expected better), and even enjoy some music (my song of the week is...
Read More
demonika:
Thanks! Yes, you may well have seen her...her name is Josie, she is a nude model for plumpers mag, she is great!! I usually get around $250 for my commissioned pieces since Im still considered an unknown, I usually just ask the buyer to give me what they think its worth, and that is usually average.
lotus:
you crumble tofu and cook it like eggs. sooo good
Title: Dreams and Longings... and All That Silly Tripe
Sometimes I just don't get it. I don't get it at all.
I can go for an extended time without dreaming. Days. Weeks, even a couple of months can go by without a single trip into dreamland.
And sometimes, I will have a few days or a week where clusters of dreams smash into me like...
Read More
Sometimes I just don't get it. I don't get it at all.
I can go for an extended time without dreaming. Days. Weeks, even a couple of months can go by without a single trip into dreamland.
And sometimes, I will have a few days or a week where clusters of dreams smash into me like...
Read More
demonika:
ahhha yea, I didnt know it was a name of a goalie...but It suits her though 
lord_shade:
Title: My Luck or My Folly?
Lately, my days have been fraught with blessings.
Though granted, my privacy has been cut short due to constant guests of my roommate Raven, I have still been able to enjoy the nice spring weather, the latest films (I just saw Hellboy, not bad but I expected better), and even enjoy some music (my song of the week is "Romeo" By Basement Jaxx, from the album "Rooty"). I've been able to write some more, and the results are pleasing. I even had a pleasant dream a couple of nights ago. Then there's the fact that Raven's phone bill is about to be paid (thanks to me, which will cost as much as having a new phone connected in my name anyways, so what the hell...) so i'll finally have a local number! Not only that, my parents have good news. The family accountant just told them that I'm about to get a whopping $1200+ in my income tax return!
My parents suggest I put some into RRSP's. Sure, why not? Or better yet, I know a guy working for Investor's Group. He'll take care of my money even better. I'll put half into that, and the other half will be used to enjoy life for a change. Get some new clothes... maybe a part or two for the old computer... or furnature! Furnature! I need shelves! Raven's piles of anime tapes and CD's are taking over! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have six weeks to think about it.
I was thinking about the dream I had a couple of nights ago (BTW, I had one last night, barely remember it, but my dad was in it again). It made me realize that I deeply miss 'Saleem' (real name kept hidden to protect her privacy).
Maybe I should try to find some even ground between myself and my dad, be not so afraid of him, and even admit both when he's right and wrong (and be able to say it, instead of keeping silent). But you know what? He may be a bit aggressive while I insist on being gentle, but he has some valid points. And despite being loud and aggressive, he has done well in raising me. Funny thing is, i'm not his, i'm a son bred from when my mom was married to another guy. But hey... your father's the one who takes the time to raise you, not the one who f**ked your mom, right? I'll give my real dad his dues...
But 'Saleem'? I wish Raven would reconnect the phone faster (he's doing so today). I so desperately want to contact her! I haven't seen her since last July. I know she'll remember me, but I wonder if she'll be happy to see me, or if she'll even go out for a coffee? For that matter, why is it that i'm so excited about this? Why do I feel so elated about the prospect? I wish I knew...
Could someone offer some insight? I would greatly appreciate it.
Lately, my days have been fraught with blessings.
Though granted, my privacy has been cut short due to constant guests of my roommate Raven, I have still been able to enjoy the nice spring weather, the latest films (I just saw Hellboy, not bad but I expected better), and even enjoy some music (my song of the week is "Romeo" By Basement Jaxx, from the album "Rooty"). I've been able to write some more, and the results are pleasing. I even had a pleasant dream a couple of nights ago. Then there's the fact that Raven's phone bill is about to be paid (thanks to me, which will cost as much as having a new phone connected in my name anyways, so what the hell...) so i'll finally have a local number! Not only that, my parents have good news. The family accountant just told them that I'm about to get a whopping $1200+ in my income tax return!
My parents suggest I put some into RRSP's. Sure, why not? Or better yet, I know a guy working for Investor's Group. He'll take care of my money even better. I'll put half into that, and the other half will be used to enjoy life for a change. Get some new clothes... maybe a part or two for the old computer... or furnature! Furnature! I need shelves! Raven's piles of anime tapes and CD's are taking over! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have six weeks to think about it.
I was thinking about the dream I had a couple of nights ago (BTW, I had one last night, barely remember it, but my dad was in it again). It made me realize that I deeply miss 'Saleem' (real name kept hidden to protect her privacy).
Maybe I should try to find some even ground between myself and my dad, be not so afraid of him, and even admit both when he's right and wrong (and be able to say it, instead of keeping silent). But you know what? He may be a bit aggressive while I insist on being gentle, but he has some valid points. And despite being loud and aggressive, he has done well in raising me. Funny thing is, i'm not his, i'm a son bred from when my mom was married to another guy. But hey... your father's the one who takes the time to raise you, not the one who f**ked your mom, right? I'll give my real dad his dues...
But 'Saleem'? I wish Raven would reconnect the phone faster (he's doing so today). I so desperately want to contact her! I haven't seen her since last July. I know she'll remember me, but I wonder if she'll be happy to see me, or if she'll even go out for a coffee? For that matter, why is it that i'm so excited about this? Why do I feel so elated about the prospect? I wish I knew...
Could someone offer some insight? I would greatly appreciate it.
Title: Je suis fatigue...
I just got some major bills and small debts paid. I'm keeping student loans at bay. My room has actual furniture (though it still needs a bed instead of an air mattress), and i'm about to start my spring offensive to find a job.
Life is somewhat good, but precariously unpredictable. Right now, time is ticking, and I have to decide...
Read More
I just got some major bills and small debts paid. I'm keeping student loans at bay. My room has actual furniture (though it still needs a bed instead of an air mattress), and i'm about to start my spring offensive to find a job.
Life is somewhat good, but precariously unpredictable. Right now, time is ticking, and I have to decide...
Read More
malloreigh:
the late leningrad and i are leaving town.
might as well spring the news. your favourite saturday afternoon hangout will be one employee emptier this week.
might as well spring the news. your favourite saturday afternoon hangout will be one employee emptier this week.
demonika:
Hey, thanks for the welcome! 
Topic: Back and Bound by Obligation
I have just returned from a trip to Saskatchewan. While the other SG'ers in Calgary have enjoyed a rather nice introduction to spring, I was in windswept Saskatchewan, working in a muggy greenhouse.
I was able to visit with my parents though (they are the owners of said greenhouse). So far, all is well with them. My brother and...
Read More
I have just returned from a trip to Saskatchewan. While the other SG'ers in Calgary have enjoyed a rather nice introduction to spring, I was in windswept Saskatchewan, working in a muggy greenhouse.
I was able to visit with my parents though (they are the owners of said greenhouse). So far, all is well with them. My brother and...
Read More
aya:
It's had to get into the military b/c of cutbacks. Maybe being in the reserves?
Mind you, being an RCMP is better and they're recruiting now.
Mind you, being an RCMP is better and they're recruiting now.
evil_homer:
I know exactly what you mean. After so long in school, it's all about to come to an abrupt end, and I don't know what kind of "real job" I will be able to get. I definitely don't want to join the U.S. military, though. . I'm sure it's not much help to have your parents breathing down your back as well. I hope you can find something soon!