Sometimes it's easier to just write my misery on this site because though it is a potentially large forum, it is also just like real life where no one actually is paying attention. You could scream at the top of your useless lungs but in the end it's like quantum physics, in that it never really happens unless it is acted upon by an outside source...which, let's face it, just really is not out there.
I've known I was alone since I was a kid hiding in my room hoping that maybe for just one night my old man wouldn't have a reason to scream at me until I cried myself to sleep and now that I am an adult it seems like I'm in the same place. Seems I never actually left that room, even though now that room is filled with a gun collection and a computer that sees more time with my son than I do, cuz I'm a freak and not very welcome around all the other people that surround him. Granted my situation with my son is so fucked up it cannot ever really be explained...but here's just a brief example of how the general interaction usually goes.
I wanted to take him trick or treating this year and I thought I gave his mother ample time to be ready and prepare for this but I suppose that IU was wrong, because when I called all I ended up getting was a voicemail, and a text back saying that she would call me when her family wasn't being so loud. Needless to say I never got a text or a call back. And then on facebook I see her post about how amazing trick or treating was with all the family. All this basically boils down to the fact that her family has hated me from the absolute beginning and her ex husband/still husband was probably there. They all hate me, and the feeling is mutual. But she didn't want to deal with the confrontation so she just didn't. And I can't really blame her for that. I AM a freak, and I AM unwelcome, and I AM better off just leaving them alone like she said right after she had had the baby and told me to go away. I'm sure someone out there thinks I should fight for my son...but the truth is that he actually IS better off with these people and worse off with me around. But I still try because I'd like him to at least know who I am. Even as an example of what not to be. What a fucking mess this all is.
And I talked to an ex of mine today, who is probably the only woman who has ever really gotten in and seen the real me. She can't stand me either....I'm a disappointment. Like I haven't heard that a million times before. Thanks dad. Duly noted.
So now I'm waiting up at night to skype the girl who apparently I am in a relationship with who left me in July to live in australia for a year. I'm drinking wine and taking pills and just generally being a whiny bitch. If the 26 year old Ken would have walked into the room where 14 year old Ken had just decided to take the gun out of his mouth because there is always hope for the future, and said how everything ACTUALLY turns out there is no doubt in my mind I would have pulled that fucking trigger.
Oh well. Maybe someday I'll be happy. But this depression saps all my forward momentum, and I fear I'll stagnate till the day I die. Fuckit.
I've known I was alone since I was a kid hiding in my room hoping that maybe for just one night my old man wouldn't have a reason to scream at me until I cried myself to sleep and now that I am an adult it seems like I'm in the same place. Seems I never actually left that room, even though now that room is filled with a gun collection and a computer that sees more time with my son than I do, cuz I'm a freak and not very welcome around all the other people that surround him. Granted my situation with my son is so fucked up it cannot ever really be explained...but here's just a brief example of how the general interaction usually goes.
I wanted to take him trick or treating this year and I thought I gave his mother ample time to be ready and prepare for this but I suppose that IU was wrong, because when I called all I ended up getting was a voicemail, and a text back saying that she would call me when her family wasn't being so loud. Needless to say I never got a text or a call back. And then on facebook I see her post about how amazing trick or treating was with all the family. All this basically boils down to the fact that her family has hated me from the absolute beginning and her ex husband/still husband was probably there. They all hate me, and the feeling is mutual. But she didn't want to deal with the confrontation so she just didn't. And I can't really blame her for that. I AM a freak, and I AM unwelcome, and I AM better off just leaving them alone like she said right after she had had the baby and told me to go away. I'm sure someone out there thinks I should fight for my son...but the truth is that he actually IS better off with these people and worse off with me around. But I still try because I'd like him to at least know who I am. Even as an example of what not to be. What a fucking mess this all is.
And I talked to an ex of mine today, who is probably the only woman who has ever really gotten in and seen the real me. She can't stand me either....I'm a disappointment. Like I haven't heard that a million times before. Thanks dad. Duly noted.
So now I'm waiting up at night to skype the girl who apparently I am in a relationship with who left me in July to live in australia for a year. I'm drinking wine and taking pills and just generally being a whiny bitch. If the 26 year old Ken would have walked into the room where 14 year old Ken had just decided to take the gun out of his mouth because there is always hope for the future, and said how everything ACTUALLY turns out there is no doubt in my mind I would have pulled that fucking trigger.
Oh well. Maybe someday I'll be happy. But this depression saps all my forward momentum, and I fear I'll stagnate till the day I die. Fuckit.