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lonelyhearted

Cooper City, FL

Member Since 2005

Followers 147 Following 369

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Thursday Feb 21, 2008

Feb 21, 2008
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New blog time.

I started therapy on wednesday. It wasn't really a therapy session though it was more of an interview and discussion of why I was seeking help and a history of my life. I wasnt expecting much from it since it was the first session and i didn't get anything from it. The therapist is really nice, and she did reassure me that my actions so far of getting started and the forwardness of my answers were things that demonstrated my true desire to get help and get better. We discussed a lot of things and she was going to go through all of my stuff and have somewhat of a treatment plan developed for me next week but she said she would be asking so more questions based off the answers I already provided. She even gave me h/w already. She wants me to make a small list of activities that I can do when im feeling down that can give me little pick me ups. We tried to start it in the office but I have lost interest in almost everything that I once found pleasurable so it was tough. So we are going to work on that next week instead.

I was hoping that by starting all of this I would feel a little better but today was one of the worst days I've had recently. I didn't even want to expose myself to the outside world. Skipped class today which was stupid since we had a midterm review but i couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. The only reason I finally did anything is because it was pouring and the only school friend I have asked me if I could pick her up from class so I did. Then I went and got a hair cut and tried something new, got my eyebrows waxed and I can say that it didn't make me feel gay and I will be doing it from now on, they look a shit ton better. But once I was home I was back in my lonely world of gloom. I just feel totally hopeless like nothing good is ever going to happen to me and I'm sure it wont. life just really sucks at this point. I wanted to talk with my roommate about some things but only got to for a few minute because her parents decided to stop by for a bit. She will be gone all day tomorrow so I wont get to talk to her then either.

Of course I can't sleep, if I could I wouldn't be up at 2 in the morning typing this. My therapist said the first thing we are going to work is the lack of sleep, she said if we can correct that then the rest will come easier, i don't give a shit about the rest at this point I just want to sleep. I'm going t call her tomorrow and talk to her about somethings. Lindsey strongly suggested and I agreed with her that she should know about my incident the other day with taking more pills than I should have. I got a prescription friday for hydrocodone and soma because of my back. By saturday afternoon I was already abusing them, I took 6 pills crushed up in an hour time period, I was completely toasted. Lindsey could tell but she didn't say anything about it at first. I went with her to a local coffee shoo to study, I was going in and out of it the whole time but I wasn't sitting with her so she didn't see that. In the car on the way home I told her what I did and knowing that I would do it again the first thing I did when I got home was grab the bottles and gave them to her. She hid them in her rom and she gives me the pills as I need them and no more than the label says, she is playing pharmacist for me but it's keeping me safe from myself. It really freaked her out at first she was worried about me but we both know that I am stronger than that, although I told her that if I had the pills I would have done it again this morning because it was so bad. I also didn't give the therapist all the information or convey how strong the thoughts of suicide have been lately. i would never actually do it but the thoughts have been strong and occur many times a day. I also want to find out if more than one session a week is possible. I feel so horrible right now that I think twice a week we do me good and so does Lindsey. I would really prefer it, I don't have a ton of money to pay for it but oh well that shouldn't be the first concern, and it's only 22 dollars an hour since I'm a student.

I'm just really down in the dumps right now. I was thinking about it earlier. Ive been here since July and I have only made 1 friend at school, how pathetic is that. Besides my two roommates i have one friend here and I've lived here for 8 months. Maybe that is the reason my friday and saturday nights are spent by myself watching tv. I'm at least proud of myself for going to get help but on the other hand I have this doom and gloom mindset right now and its really getting t me. I wish it was just as simple as getting over it but it's not. Hopefully this weekend will be a little better since most of it will be spent out of the house at local coffee shops studying for midterms next week. Maybe I should do some more writing, I'm not sure that it helped me at all but it was easier for me to get thoughts down on paper and then let Lindsey read them. I didn't have to sit there and say what some of my problems were directly to her which would have been really tough. She actually doesn't know about the suicide thoughts, I wanted to tell her about them tonight but didn't get the chance so maybe tomorrow night or saturday for sure. I don't want to worry her with it but I feel that she needs to know or at least she should know at this point. She should at least know that she is the main reason I would never do it. She doesn't know it yet but she surely prevented it by being there for me when I went to her initially for help. I could never thank her enough or convey to her how much she means to me, I owe her a lot.

Well enough typing for now, I wont even get into how i feel my life has no direction or meaning right now, that is another blog by itself.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
chriztian:
One bit of advice toward meeting people and feeling better about yourself. If you can handle it, volunteer somewhere. With animals or children or on a community building project. The Leadership center across from the SLB is a good place to go to get some ideas of somewhere to help. It'll get you in touch with people and show you in a very positive light to other people. You get to meet lots of people that way and its a hell of a good conversation piece when meeting new people.
I went through a period where I didn't leave my apartment for six months except to go back to my home town about once a month to see my girlfriend (now wife). I know how hard it can be to get out and face....everything. The only advice I can give is to be honest with your therapist. It might take a few sessions to be that comfortable, but they can only fix what they know about. And don't get discouraged if you don't feel results right away, both meds and therapy take time to sink in.
Feb 29, 2008
chriztian:
Thats good that you're seeing a doc soon. Also, do some fun things with your roommate if she's up for it. I've noticed that sometimes friendships become really based around the sadness instead of working against it when one of the people is really depressed. Even if you're not feeling up for it do something fun with her, sometimes you might even really enjoy yourself, and it'll help keep her from getting burned out. Its awesome that she is there for you like that, but it has to go both ways. Sorry this isn't the most coherent response right now, kinda been a weird, long day. I'm over by the Gov Square mall. Let me know how finding a place to volunteer goes (also good because it gives you something you HAVE to do at least like once a week) and however much you wanna talk about your therapy.
Mar 1, 2008

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