lola

Yesterday on my way to work I was sitting on the bus with my headphones on, reading my new book and minding my own business when the FATTEST, CREEPIEST, DIRTIEST guy ever sits down across from me. Of course he starts talking to me: "Excuse me...excuse me...EXCUSE ME!!!" So I take out one of my headphones and glare at him.

"Excuse me, what is the name of that book?"

Of course I happen to be reading Porno by Irvine Welsh. Right about now I'm wishing I had taken the dust cover off...but I reply "Porno," stick my headphones back on and continue to read.

"Porno? Is it about Porno?"

I ignore him.

"Excuse me, is that book about PORNO?!"

I glare at him again and snap, "Not really!" Any sane person by now would have taken the hint that I don't want to be talked to. Unfortunately Mr. Fatty is nowhere near sane.

"What does it say?" he yells across the isle to me. Feeling Hamlet-like, I reply "words," hoping that will shut him up. No such luck...

"What is that book about? Is it about porno? EXCUSE ME IS THAT BOOK ABOUT PORNO??!"

I stand up, grab my stuff, turn to him and yell, "Look asshole, I obviously don't want to be talked to! I just want to read my book in peace!" And I stomp up the isle of the bus and sit in a seat as close to the driver as possible.

From very far back behind me I hear, "A BOOK ABOUT PORNO!!" All the other people on the bus are laughing but trying to pretend they're not, and I just turn up the volume of my music and pretend they don't exist.