FUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKK
I'm getting suffocated living at home. Everything I seem to do is pissing off my parents, without me even trying. It seems as though the person I am just grates and disappoints them. Well part of me says fuck that I'm going to be the person I want to be to try and make me happy, and if they don't like that then sod it. I spent 22 years trying to please them and all that did was give me depression and get me nowhere. Now I'm trying to be my own person and it might not sit in with my parents but its what I want to try to be. I don't want to go through life thinking, oh that'll be fun, but my oh my, my parents wouldn't like that. I'm a grown man why am I even that worried. It seems as though I've done something so they're just not that bothered with me anymore. Which is fine. My Dad's always been like that but now my mum is going that way. Why can't they learn that I work at my pace, and I do get shit done and they don't have to worry all the fucking time! The world won't end because I don't make an appointment one day. It's driving me mad.
I can't wait to be in America and away from all that. I know that when I come back I'll want to move out even more than I do now. I just wish I had somewhere else to go when I wasn't at work so I didn't have to spend all my time in this fucking house. It seems I can't even hide away in my room (my own fortress of solitude) without attracting criticism.
In other news I'm trying to come off my medication before I go to America. I saw the doctor yesterday and am going on a half dose and going back in the 3 weeks. I know looking at the above paragraphs this may not seem like a good idea but I think I've changed my mindset enough to give it a go. Plus I don't want to have this thing hanging over my head that is being anti-depressants. I want to be free of that, and free to be myself.
I've been pretty good recently. Just venting some stuff thats happened recently. I had the past 3 days of work, and got some stuff done, but also not done a lot. Other than going to the doctors, I've started sorting myself out a credit card, closed my building society account, and done some recording which is a bit shit because I can't sing very well.
OH! Also I had a really freaky dream the other night. Which involved some really powerful images. The one I've stuck hold of most is of me walking down a wide country road. With a field to my left, it had obviously grown corn or something but had been cut down. In between the road and the field was a ditch was contained a number of dead creatures in thick mud, including a white horse, and one of those things from 'Where the wild things are', but a really small version. In the field, the size of barn, were 4 huge skeletal birds. The wings still had all the feathers on, with the wings curved around their bodies, but the bodies were mostly skeletal. The four of them were back to back, with one directly facing me. They were fucking terrifying. The sunlight was very bright, the whole scene was yellow, looking to the right of the 4 birds was almost blinding. As i faced forward the road turned into a bridge going over a small river. again in the water were lights, and the dead bodies or bizarre creatures, including some sort of giant, that was maybe 2-3 times the size of a man. Beyond the bridge was a village which contained huge stone buildings. 3-4 stories tall, but each story larger than an average human house. But still not in proportion to the giants in the river.
Upon entering the area i was told that this place was not a country. It did not exist.
Anyway it massively freaked me out. I attempted to draw it today but I can't draw for shit so that didn't work. I have no patience for artistic endeavours.
but yeah, i'll leave you with some videos now. I probably should put these at the top so you can listen to the music as you read. Is that a good idea? Anyway, comment away please. I get very excited and happy when I see that people have commented on my blogs.
This song is beautiful. I tried to record a cover of it today. But I am in no way talented enough to do justice to this song
this song is also ridiculously beautiful
and just to round it off, here's one that goes in noise and shouting and dreaming of something else, getting out of your confines.
that'll do pig, that'll do
I'm getting suffocated living at home. Everything I seem to do is pissing off my parents, without me even trying. It seems as though the person I am just grates and disappoints them. Well part of me says fuck that I'm going to be the person I want to be to try and make me happy, and if they don't like that then sod it. I spent 22 years trying to please them and all that did was give me depression and get me nowhere. Now I'm trying to be my own person and it might not sit in with my parents but its what I want to try to be. I don't want to go through life thinking, oh that'll be fun, but my oh my, my parents wouldn't like that. I'm a grown man why am I even that worried. It seems as though I've done something so they're just not that bothered with me anymore. Which is fine. My Dad's always been like that but now my mum is going that way. Why can't they learn that I work at my pace, and I do get shit done and they don't have to worry all the fucking time! The world won't end because I don't make an appointment one day. It's driving me mad.
I can't wait to be in America and away from all that. I know that when I come back I'll want to move out even more than I do now. I just wish I had somewhere else to go when I wasn't at work so I didn't have to spend all my time in this fucking house. It seems I can't even hide away in my room (my own fortress of solitude) without attracting criticism.
In other news I'm trying to come off my medication before I go to America. I saw the doctor yesterday and am going on a half dose and going back in the 3 weeks. I know looking at the above paragraphs this may not seem like a good idea but I think I've changed my mindset enough to give it a go. Plus I don't want to have this thing hanging over my head that is being anti-depressants. I want to be free of that, and free to be myself.
I've been pretty good recently. Just venting some stuff thats happened recently. I had the past 3 days of work, and got some stuff done, but also not done a lot. Other than going to the doctors, I've started sorting myself out a credit card, closed my building society account, and done some recording which is a bit shit because I can't sing very well.
OH! Also I had a really freaky dream the other night. Which involved some really powerful images. The one I've stuck hold of most is of me walking down a wide country road. With a field to my left, it had obviously grown corn or something but had been cut down. In between the road and the field was a ditch was contained a number of dead creatures in thick mud, including a white horse, and one of those things from 'Where the wild things are', but a really small version. In the field, the size of barn, were 4 huge skeletal birds. The wings still had all the feathers on, with the wings curved around their bodies, but the bodies were mostly skeletal. The four of them were back to back, with one directly facing me. They were fucking terrifying. The sunlight was very bright, the whole scene was yellow, looking to the right of the 4 birds was almost blinding. As i faced forward the road turned into a bridge going over a small river. again in the water were lights, and the dead bodies or bizarre creatures, including some sort of giant, that was maybe 2-3 times the size of a man. Beyond the bridge was a village which contained huge stone buildings. 3-4 stories tall, but each story larger than an average human house. But still not in proportion to the giants in the river.
Upon entering the area i was told that this place was not a country. It did not exist.
Anyway it massively freaked me out. I attempted to draw it today but I can't draw for shit so that didn't work. I have no patience for artistic endeavours.
but yeah, i'll leave you with some videos now. I probably should put these at the top so you can listen to the music as you read. Is that a good idea? Anyway, comment away please. I get very excited and happy when I see that people have commented on my blogs.
This song is beautiful. I tried to record a cover of it today. But I am in no way talented enough to do justice to this song
this song is also ridiculously beautiful
and just to round it off, here's one that goes in noise and shouting and dreaming of something else, getting out of your confines.
that'll do pig, that'll do
VIEW 17 of 17 COMMENTS
It's pretty ok.