MY MUM GAVE ME A SEX MANUAL
Okay...has all the sniggering at the back finished? You sure? Let me expand a little on that statement. When I worked at Harrods about 20 years ago, my Mum gave me a seventeenth century guide to marital matters to have it valued at the company's auctioneers. Sadly, it wasn't worth a great deal, as it seems it was rather popular, and had run into at least thirteen editions.
Now don't go getting the idea that England in 1685 was some sort of European Perfumed Garden. There is no list of eye-watering positions in this tome, I'm afraid. It's full title is...
To be honest, I'm not sure how much Aristotle had to do with the writing of this book. That may just be a name to hang the title on and make it appear learned and worthy.
It's not the easiest book to read, not just because of the dated style, but the pages are stiff and a little difficult to separate...(another pause until the sniggering dies down at the back).
But Chap 1 is 'Of the Inftrument of Generation in Man; with a particular defcription thereof' followed by 'Of the Secret Parts in Women, appropriated to the Work of Generation'. This includes the wonderful description...
'The next thing is the Clytoris, which is a finewy and hard part of the Womb, repleat with fpungy and black Matter within, in the fame manner as the Side-ligaments of the Yard; and indeed refembles it in form...(unreadable)...Erection and Falling in the fame manner, and it both ftirs up Luft, and gives Delight in Copulation; for without this, the Fair Sex neither defire mutual Embraces, nor have Pleafure in'em, nor conceive by 'em. And according to the greatnefs or Smallnefs of this Part, they are more or lefs fond of Mens Embraces; fo that it may properly be stil'd the Seat of Luft.
Blowing the Coals up of thofe amorous Fires,
Which Youth and Beauty to be quench'd requires.
Now I'll leave it to all of you to pick holes in the accuracy of the above description. Suffice it to say, it had to be a man who would optimistically describe the penis as a 'Yard'.
You may think , well it's going slowly this, but it's headed in the right direction. But those damn Jacobeans follow up with Chap 2...'Of the Reftriction laid upon Man in the Ufe of Carnal Copulation, by the Inftitution of Marriage: With the Advantage that it brings to Mankind; and the proper Time for it.' Now that's dampened everyone's ardour hasn't it? Lots of stuff about avoiding Fornication and Uncleanness follows, which, as a firm believer in Woody Allen's maxim that 'sex isn't dirty...unless you're doing it right', leaves me a little cold.
But there are some great chapters nonetheless. Not least 'How Virginity may be lost'. There is a warning that a violent sneeze can accidentally break a woman's hymen so she shouldn't necessarily be chucked out of bed and stoned in the marketplace if there is no blood. Especially if she's recently had a cold.
There is also 'A Word of Advice to both Sexes: or, Directions refpecting the Act of Coition, or Carnal Copulation.' It contains the priceless phrase about women's fertility...'the Bridegroom fhould remember, that 'tis a Market that lafts all the Year, and fo be careful that he does not fpend his Stock too lavishly: Nor wou'd his Wife like him at all the worfe for't; for generally Women rather chufe to have a thing done well, than have it often: And in this cafe, to do it well and often is inconfiftent'.
There's some great advice about finding out the sex of a baby. When the mother starts lactating she should let a drop of her milk fall into a bowl of water. If it sinks it is a girl, if it spreads across the surface, it's a boy.
Oh, but Ladies. No sex for the first four months after conception. Your bodies are far too delicate. For some reason, you also shouldn't be banging away with Hubby in your sixth and eighth months, but five, seven and nine are fine. Go for it!
This is followed by innumerable chapters on giving birth. But rounds off with the wonderful Of Monfters, and monftrous Births, basically designed to put the shits up any first (sorry, firft) time mother...
'The firft I shall prefent, is a moft ftrange, hideous and frightful Monfter indeed, reprefenting an hairy Child. It was all cover'd with Hair like a Beaft; but that which render'd it yet more frightful, was that its Navel was in the place where his Nofe fhould ftand, and his Eyes placed where his Mouth fhould have been...Where Children thus are born with hairy Coats, Heavens Wrath unto that Kingdom it denotes.'
I will leave you with a cure for haemorrhoids from 'The Family Physician...
'For the Internal Pyles
Take a chafing difh of Charcoal, place it in a Clofe-ftool, ftrew powder of Brimftone upon it, and fit bare over the Fume or Smoak for fome time. Probatum eft.'
Ouch.
And, no, I have no idea where my Mum got it. I must ask some day!
Okay...has all the sniggering at the back finished? You sure? Let me expand a little on that statement. When I worked at Harrods about 20 years ago, my Mum gave me a seventeenth century guide to marital matters to have it valued at the company's auctioneers. Sadly, it wasn't worth a great deal, as it seems it was rather popular, and had run into at least thirteen editions.
Now don't go getting the idea that England in 1685 was some sort of European Perfumed Garden. There is no list of eye-watering positions in this tome, I'm afraid. It's full title is...
To be honest, I'm not sure how much Aristotle had to do with the writing of this book. That may just be a name to hang the title on and make it appear learned and worthy.
It's not the easiest book to read, not just because of the dated style, but the pages are stiff and a little difficult to separate...(another pause until the sniggering dies down at the back).
But Chap 1 is 'Of the Inftrument of Generation in Man; with a particular defcription thereof' followed by 'Of the Secret Parts in Women, appropriated to the Work of Generation'. This includes the wonderful description...
'The next thing is the Clytoris, which is a finewy and hard part of the Womb, repleat with fpungy and black Matter within, in the fame manner as the Side-ligaments of the Yard; and indeed refembles it in form...(unreadable)...Erection and Falling in the fame manner, and it both ftirs up Luft, and gives Delight in Copulation; for without this, the Fair Sex neither defire mutual Embraces, nor have Pleafure in'em, nor conceive by 'em. And according to the greatnefs or Smallnefs of this Part, they are more or lefs fond of Mens Embraces; fo that it may properly be stil'd the Seat of Luft.
Blowing the Coals up of thofe amorous Fires,
Which Youth and Beauty to be quench'd requires.
Now I'll leave it to all of you to pick holes in the accuracy of the above description. Suffice it to say, it had to be a man who would optimistically describe the penis as a 'Yard'.
You may think , well it's going slowly this, but it's headed in the right direction. But those damn Jacobeans follow up with Chap 2...'Of the Reftriction laid upon Man in the Ufe of Carnal Copulation, by the Inftitution of Marriage: With the Advantage that it brings to Mankind; and the proper Time for it.' Now that's dampened everyone's ardour hasn't it? Lots of stuff about avoiding Fornication and Uncleanness follows, which, as a firm believer in Woody Allen's maxim that 'sex isn't dirty...unless you're doing it right', leaves me a little cold.
But there are some great chapters nonetheless. Not least 'How Virginity may be lost'. There is a warning that a violent sneeze can accidentally break a woman's hymen so she shouldn't necessarily be chucked out of bed and stoned in the marketplace if there is no blood. Especially if she's recently had a cold.
There is also 'A Word of Advice to both Sexes: or, Directions refpecting the Act of Coition, or Carnal Copulation.' It contains the priceless phrase about women's fertility...'the Bridegroom fhould remember, that 'tis a Market that lafts all the Year, and fo be careful that he does not fpend his Stock too lavishly: Nor wou'd his Wife like him at all the worfe for't; for generally Women rather chufe to have a thing done well, than have it often: And in this cafe, to do it well and often is inconfiftent'.
There's some great advice about finding out the sex of a baby. When the mother starts lactating she should let a drop of her milk fall into a bowl of water. If it sinks it is a girl, if it spreads across the surface, it's a boy.
Oh, but Ladies. No sex for the first four months after conception. Your bodies are far too delicate. For some reason, you also shouldn't be banging away with Hubby in your sixth and eighth months, but five, seven and nine are fine. Go for it!
This is followed by innumerable chapters on giving birth. But rounds off with the wonderful Of Monfters, and monftrous Births, basically designed to put the shits up any first (sorry, firft) time mother...
'The firft I shall prefent, is a moft ftrange, hideous and frightful Monfter indeed, reprefenting an hairy Child. It was all cover'd with Hair like a Beaft; but that which render'd it yet more frightful, was that its Navel was in the place where his Nofe fhould ftand, and his Eyes placed where his Mouth fhould have been...Where Children thus are born with hairy Coats, Heavens Wrath unto that Kingdom it denotes.'
I will leave you with a cure for haemorrhoids from 'The Family Physician...
'For the Internal Pyles
Take a chafing difh of Charcoal, place it in a Clofe-ftool, ftrew powder of Brimftone upon it, and fit bare over the Fume or Smoak for fome time. Probatum eft.'
Ouch.
And, no, I have no idea where my Mum got it. I must ask some day!
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
We have a couple hundred miles of rail trails right in this area. I hike on them all the time. We'd be much better off, of course, if trains were still running on them though. Progress.