lexxus

BITTERSWEET....

You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach that makes you want to yack when you can tell someone is lying to you??? I call it my melissa feeling for various reasons that dont matter for the point of this entry....

anyhow you know when your talking to someone you care about and you know they are lying to you,...
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AN IDEA OF HOW LONG I HAVE BEEN LIKE THIS:

an entry from March 22 2005:
"No matter what i do its wrong. no matter what i say or dont say its wrong, and i piss you off and i hurt and i dont know what to do- I dont want to lose you but i dont know how to change what i feel. I...
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It's funny how little things make you smile, or cry, and feel emoitions that youdidnt even know were there. I finally got to go shopping for some christmas stuff! I didn't get really sad until the drive home, then i started thinking about how much this year is going to hurt to not have someone to cuddle with and wake up next to and share...
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Wel today was a somewhat productive day. Lets see i woke up at 7:30am to find that my power had been shut off...so i drove to my moms in melbourne and slept there for a little while. I got to take my sister to lunch that made me smile, but then i got to be utterly depressed seeing all of the christmas stuff in stores...
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I am semi high, semi drunk and my belly is pretty full, and impretty sure i should be passed out in bed rigtht now, but i wanted to say first that i am a compleat idiot.... i have come to the conclusion that i must enjoy being hurt, otherwise i cant give myself a valid reason for what i do. Well good night.

Sleeping pills are the best!!!!! lol i actually slept thourhg the night. That makes me semi happy. Well i have to work soon so i should go. Later

Wicked nightmares last night....I am pretty sure, i attempted to murder someone in one of my dreams, he lived, but it still makes me uneasy. Blah. can i have one night of happy dreams??? Well i have to shower and stuff. Later

So i am writing right now because i was laying in bed basically talking to myself with all this shit running thourgh my head, and i thought that maybe if i just write some of this down and get it out of me, then maybe just maybe i can stop crying...and if i can stop crying if the tears will stop falling for just a...
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sad once again!!!! Oh wait how is that different from every other fucken second of my never ending days!!!!!
I think i was happier earlier today, or at least distracted for a short while. Hanging out with my sister usually does that for me. But now im home again in this god forsaken town, with these fucked up people all around me... I could just...
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Reba: Her
I've known about you
For a while now
When he leaves me
He wears a smile now
As soon as he's away from me
In your arms is where he wants to be

Linda: Me
But you're the one he rushes home to
You're the one he gave his name to
I never see his face
In the early morning light
You have...
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So it is saturaday... I just woke up whcih is very sad considering it is 1:37 in the afternoon. It must have been those sleeping pills i took.

So today will probably be another day of nothingness, maybe i can go for a nice drive or go sit on the beach tonight under the stars...Sometimes i wonder if im the only person who ever feels...
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I am sad again tonight. Lonely as always. "It's really hard living when your living with yourself." Ah how singers and songwriters can always have the exact right lyrics to make you feel like they are singing about you...

Got to see him today...should be happy yet im not. I Think for the breif time he was here i was content but he always leaves...so...
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