The past 48 hours have been emotionally turbulent to say the least. I spent most of my week-end with two friends that I've become close with over the past three months. They had me in stitches on Friday night at some weird little karoake bar, where they drunkenly spewed ad-libbed lyrics to The Bangles "Eternal Flame" among other songs. I can't exactly recall everything they bellowed, but "I wanna eat your pussy" and "smear dirty sanchezes all over your face" seem to stand out in my mind. The following morning we headed out for breakfeast at some pub in lovely Roncesvalles Village, where we inadvertently stumbled upon a highly-sensitive topic of conversation that stirred feelings of self-loathing within my guy friend. In a matter of seconds I watched the ever-present comical glint in his eye disappear into a veil of anguish that seemed virtually impenetrable. This enormous surgence of grief just suddenly came over him, and it was very frightening and painful to watch. I felt horrible for him and nearly burst into tears...
We spent the remainder of the day sauntering around downtown Toronto, walking the tension off. There were brief periods of silly bickering between my guy and girl, but for the most part, it was pretty chill. The usual comedy among us was revived by late afternoon, and we later shared a good chuckle about it over ice-cream and slushies at Nathan Phillips Square.
I woke up this morning stressed from the impending workload looming over my head and feeling the residue from yesterday's incident. When people confess their deepest anxieties to me, it forces me to think about my own. When I start obsessing the things I need to do, I become wrought with self-doubt and begin to panic. I need tomrrow to come now, another 24 hours is all I need to feel normal again.
...now i'm left feeling the need to be cradled in someone's arms. I don't want sex, and I don't neccessarily need to be kissed. I just want to be held tight...
We spent the remainder of the day sauntering around downtown Toronto, walking the tension off. There were brief periods of silly bickering between my guy and girl, but for the most part, it was pretty chill. The usual comedy among us was revived by late afternoon, and we later shared a good chuckle about it over ice-cream and slushies at Nathan Phillips Square.
I woke up this morning stressed from the impending workload looming over my head and feeling the residue from yesterday's incident. When people confess their deepest anxieties to me, it forces me to think about my own. When I start obsessing the things I need to do, I become wrought with self-doubt and begin to panic. I need tomrrow to come now, another 24 hours is all I need to feel normal again.
...now i'm left feeling the need to be cradled in someone's arms. I don't want sex, and I don't neccessarily need to be kissed. I just want to be held tight...
i totally identify. choosing to be someone's friend is taking on all thier grief as well as your own. it can find ways to heal you or at other times bring you to your knees. it seems like you must be important to each other if he confessed his anxieties to you. the connection that brings is invaluable.
again
*hugs*
maeda
And yeah, I totally relate to your self-doubt thing. Like, I have to go look for a job tomorrow, and start studying for finals, and do this and that...and I procrastinate and dread all of it because of doubt. And laziness. Oh well. I hope you get through all your stuff ok.
Your trip sounds fun! And yeah, I'm excited about mine too. And we will have a good digital camera, so I'll have tons of pics!
I'm off to get some sleep, but if I had more time I'd write tons about how I love Siddhartha! Did you add that at some point or am I blind?
Well, goodnight hon. Sweet dreams.