how often does the past seem more tantalizing than the present? in a serious way - not about nostalgia. but a true and correct memory, with all bad and good things, seeming so much better than what is happening now? is it just that remembering something is so much easier than living through it? lately my past seems so compelling, my present seems pointless, and the future is a total toss up. i know what i want but i have no idea if i will be able to manifest it, and if i do, if it'll even be what i want after all.
i was dorking on the cam while i ran some bathwater. i forgot i was running bathwater and it overflowed and got the carpet outside the bathroom door wet. i think it'll be ok, mostly i just don't want to answer any questions about it. i live with three people, one of whom is my lover and accepts me fully. i could pee on the carpet and this person would still love me. the other two, well. they don't care about the carpet either way but i hate explaining stupid little things like that to people who aren't fully accepting.
my punishment is that the bathroom is now such a source of embarassment for me this morning that i cannot bring myself to take a bath afterall.
this is weird and maybe impossible, but i think i am getting gastrointesinal problems from wearing tight low cut pants. when i sit for a while the waistline presses hard into my abdomen. i think it's rearranging or confining my intestines and making me have pains.
either that or i'm not chewing properly.
ok, goodnight.
i was dorking on the cam while i ran some bathwater. i forgot i was running bathwater and it overflowed and got the carpet outside the bathroom door wet. i think it'll be ok, mostly i just don't want to answer any questions about it. i live with three people, one of whom is my lover and accepts me fully. i could pee on the carpet and this person would still love me. the other two, well. they don't care about the carpet either way but i hate explaining stupid little things like that to people who aren't fully accepting.
my punishment is that the bathroom is now such a source of embarassment for me this morning that i cannot bring myself to take a bath afterall.
this is weird and maybe impossible, but i think i am getting gastrointesinal problems from wearing tight low cut pants. when i sit for a while the waistline presses hard into my abdomen. i think it's rearranging or confining my intestines and making me have pains.
either that or i'm not chewing properly.
ok, goodnight.
VIEW 12 of 12 COMMENTS
godzuki:
sometimes the past *has* been more fun than the present. And easier to live? Absolutely. I'm getting my ass kicked by work on a daily basis right now. I can definitely think of extraordinary moments, nights, weeks, etc. in the past that I haven't been able to equal since. But i've already *had* those experiences; if i were to go back there, it'd be different at best. More likely boring. The toss-up of the future is the cool part.
joannavaught:
dear elly, this is your cancer talking to you. VERY OFTEN the past seems better than the present, even accounting for the bad. remembered accurately, the past sometimes seems better. i had a whole morning of being haunted by my past and i can't shake it and it's making me blue. love, cancer.