I'm feeling kind of lost right now. A lot of things have happened, and I can't say they've been all that nice. I feel like I'm putting all my hopes in a better future, but that future never seems to get here. It's seems like every time I'm making progress somethng happens to set me back again.
I've been working a lot lately. Tomorrow will be the end of my second straight six day week. I don't really mind it. I've got nothing else to do, and I need the money. Only, I haven't been sleeping well. I keep waking up halfway through the night, usually from bad dreams, and having a hard time getting back to sleep. It's really starting to take a toll.
It's hard to stay positive right now. Everyone around me just saps my strength when I'm in a good mood, and when seem things to be on an upswing it hasn't failed that they've come crashing down at the last minute.
Rationally I can look at my life and see that while things aren't as I'd like them, they are improving every day. That's a fact I can't ignore. Unfortunately, all of the positive things in my life right now are slow building and and I won't be able to enjoy them for a while yet. I can only take pride that I'm getting there.
On the other hand, the pain, anger, and frustration of every set-back, big or small, is immediate and sapping the strength that pride instills in me.
I know things are on a long, slow upswing. Maybe that's the worst part, looking up at the path and knowing I've still got a long way to go, yet having the goal constantly in sight.
I don't know. I can look at the long view and smile. But in the here and now, I'm feeling depressed, and it seems to be getting worse. I need some outlet, some meaningful joy and plain fun to break the cycle.
And I'm trying to do that, to get out and do things, but it seems like things never seem to go quite right, or they fall apart completely.
I'm writing this in the hope that getting it all out will give some sort of cathartic release, but to be honest it doesn't seem to be helping much. Usually writing does, but not this time.
I've been working a lot lately. Tomorrow will be the end of my second straight six day week. I don't really mind it. I've got nothing else to do, and I need the money. Only, I haven't been sleeping well. I keep waking up halfway through the night, usually from bad dreams, and having a hard time getting back to sleep. It's really starting to take a toll.
It's hard to stay positive right now. Everyone around me just saps my strength when I'm in a good mood, and when seem things to be on an upswing it hasn't failed that they've come crashing down at the last minute.
Rationally I can look at my life and see that while things aren't as I'd like them, they are improving every day. That's a fact I can't ignore. Unfortunately, all of the positive things in my life right now are slow building and and I won't be able to enjoy them for a while yet. I can only take pride that I'm getting there.
On the other hand, the pain, anger, and frustration of every set-back, big or small, is immediate and sapping the strength that pride instills in me.
I know things are on a long, slow upswing. Maybe that's the worst part, looking up at the path and knowing I've still got a long way to go, yet having the goal constantly in sight.
I don't know. I can look at the long view and smile. But in the here and now, I'm feeling depressed, and it seems to be getting worse. I need some outlet, some meaningful joy and plain fun to break the cycle.
And I'm trying to do that, to get out and do things, but it seems like things never seem to go quite right, or they fall apart completely.
I'm writing this in the hope that getting it all out will give some sort of cathartic release, but to be honest it doesn't seem to be helping much. Usually writing does, but not this time.