kewkyd

so in my pursuit to discover a better sense of self i have made a personal list of accomplishments. i think people too often focus on what they do not have or have not obtained and make themselves feel behind. everyone desires the freedom of being. whether it is wishing you were more fit, social, understood, popular, fulfilled, loved, or successful. well, the truth is most people go through their lives wondering why is it that they can not find it or figure it out. i hate the idea of having so many questions, but hardly any answers. so where to start? i figured, '' what have i done that i'm proud of? ''. atleast i have one answer.

assessing that i can see it is well within my abilities to make things happen. i am a strong person, but dedication is what creates results. anyone can become inspired by an idea, but carrying it out until fruition is where the real work comes from. progress and change is what keeps humans inspired to move forward, because a lot of people will preach faith, but what seals that unfailable dedication is concrete evidence. action is the only thing that holds real meaning. most people have a message. something they believe to be the real answer to figuring out what it truly is all about, but the realization is...most people are just talk. they know the right words to say to move you, but they have no idea of what action to take to make changes and create something new.

i have always been one for action. participation and a willingness to symathize with your fellow man, but to help him/her through educating and encouragment instead of pity and enabling. the fact is, everyone is terrified of stepping outside of their comfort zone. we all know what to expect from routine and how to plan and accept what may occur whether it fulfills us or not. what is familiar though is what controls and stifles us. we can not grow from a lack of knowledge and experience. it is impossible. i do not value the ideal of living in the moment, because that is all that your are left with in the long run. all these ''moments'' you once had that are stuck in the past, but not a life fully lived. sometimes to receive something truly amazing or life-altering is to be patient, but dilligent and set real goals. good things do come to those to wait, but not those who do not work for them.

so, '' what is something i can doing right now? '' well, i was not exactly satisfied with my physical state at the time. besides just not feeling comfortable in my own skin and actually being ashamed of my own form, i flat out was not healthy. i felt tired and irritable all the time and as i got older i became less socially involved because of being terrified of what others may think about me. how far i had let myself go over the years and that other b.s. people put in their minds about themselves. this was stupid. i had control over this. first off, no scale for me. i did not want to make it about the numbers or start off with a feeling of failure. i already knew that i was not happy with where i was at, but it would not have been wise to give myself this mountain to climb when all i really needed to do was just start trying. it needed to be a one day at a time thing. not tomorrow i am going to jog, but today i am going to eat pizza and drink beer. i started to think about ways to be healthier. i quit smoking cigars and tobacco because it was not realistic to believe i could achieve much if i was not willing to drop bad habits. i had to be uncomfortable. i had to do things i intially did not want to because that was the only way i was going to make any real changes. did i miss drinking and smoking all the time? hell yeah. i mean...that is what took the edge off or made bad feelings go away. it was my pacifier and how i got through a lot of days, but it simply was not making me feel better in the larger scope of things.

did i start to see results immediately? no, but i did feel better. i had to reinforce the idea that all this pain is temporary. it is making me stronger, healthier, and more adapted to dealing with stress. in retrospect you need to make all new decisions with the mind set of '' how will i get closer to this today? '' if you can not try something new then you will never experiece anything new.

next, i wanted to get an education and go to school. i sold myself short when i was younger because of being insecure and stubborn. i would tell myself over and over, '' not today, but tomorrow ''. well, that turned into days, weeks, and then years. i was not a teenager anymore and i came into my twenties with no feeling of purpose or guidance. i was always a bright kid, but i was ruled by my low self-esteem. i let myself believe that i would never acheive anything really worth noting. i was destined, because of my up-bringing to be white trash, so i followed accordingly. eventually i saw i was the only one limiting myself. i did not have to be where i came from, but did need to acknowledge it so i could move forward. right now i am brushing up on piano and hoping to audition for a scholarship or atleast a pail grant so i can start school in the spring as a music education major. i'm looking forward to it with all of the anticipation of a teenager about to start highschool. it is going to be epic.

this is minor in a lot of ways, but that's my reason for playing around with my appearance. the new piercings and future tattoos are always something that felt like me. but i didn't want to be a ''freak''', so i've spent a lot of my time being invisible. now i just want to do what feels right. i never really liked the idea of conforming to a gender specific life-style or behavior. some days i feel more femme and others i feel like a boy. i don't have to have a style or look so i can fit into a box. i love glasses, boxers, lingerie, bright make-up, kneehigh socks, wife beaters, short emo boy hair, long pretty locks, being strong/muscular, and always voluptuous. i love all of those things equally and more. so it varies day to day how i will present myself, but it will always be a real version of me because i'm not just one thing.

i always wanted to know more musically. so i was given the opportunity to learn guitar. it is humbling starting something you have no prior knowledge to, but it is so much fun. it is rewarding even though i'm having to take baby steps because it is something i've always wanted to do. i stopped giving excuses and finally said, '' why the hell not? ''. the more i did for myself the more i felt comfortable with being myself. i know it may seem like nothing major, but i have been ruled by guilt on so many levels. like i did not deserve anything i wanted because i was not worth anything. but the older i get that is not the case. i like all the things that make me who i am and if the people in your life truly love you then they will support you in those changes and help you along the way. you can not run off anyone who loves you unless you push them away or they did not care to begin with.

it has been difficult at times. you want to include everyone in your journey, but there have been times where ''friends & family'' wanted to distract or discourage me. there are many people who make claims about how unfeeling or self-righteous i am. that i'll kick people out of my life in a heart beat. the simple truth is...all the people i've put out of my life needed to go. it was so difficult and heart-breaking in a way that no one will ever understand, but me because it was a hard personal decision to let go of people i loved and felt like i couldn't live without. i did not make these choices over night or without seriously agonizing deliberation. some of the kids i grew up with, some were family members, others i envied or secretly desired, but it was not healthy for me no matter what the connection was. they didn't want me to ''change''. i do not believe people change...they only change their habits and behaviors, but still remain who they are. for me to want to better myself and get more out of life or simply be happy was not a selfish act nor do i believe i've found the truth in everything. i'm only finding the truth for myself and the people i share it with are only going to be the ones who truly care for me.

too often we bog ourselves down with a feeling of obligation to everyone else we know. we don't want to disappoint, embarass, or run off the ones we love. there's nothing wrong with this, but if you're not trying to pursue your passion or be who you feel you are because you think others won't get it then you need to let go. do not use the people in your life, what society thinks, or yourself as an excuse to never try. no one has the power to control or hold you back, but yourself. anybody that says otherwise is a coward.

everyone who knows me may begin to see changes in my appearance, behavior, and approach to life, but i am still me. i'm not forgetting who i am or where i've been. i'm using that as fuel to push myself forward into who i've always wanted to be. as for critics/haters...i know there are peole who make fun of me, think i'm crazy or trash, or that i'm a total heartless bitch, but honestly...you wouldn't waste your time thinking or saying anything about me if you didn't care on some level. even if you hate me or how i live my life it's only because you wish you were still a part of it, you're jealous, or you're mad that i don't give a damn about what you think. as for everyone else...hope you guys will stay along for the ride. ;p