ketchup_suicide

Ok
let me start with...i am ok. things actually turned out very well....kinda....in one aspect they are awesome. in another they will be awesome when things dont hurt anymore.

thank you to all of you who left me comments! i love you all.

So the shit hit the fan as I said before
And I still hate that expression.along with most expressions for that matter
But I used it that time because it fit perfectly
Things just ended up happening
And things were going to be very messy
I thought

But actuallythings didnt get as bad as I thought.in fact.things turned out quite surprisingly.and quite pleasantly also

So now, I dont know how I should tell this story.becausefor anyone to understand..youll need a little background.and that is all quite messy as well
And so.like always.this is going to be a novel
My journals always are!

Ive come to the conclusion that it is quite impossible for me to write a short journal. There are exceptions of course.but even the short ones are quite involved!

Ok.so here we go.im going to attempt to explain things

You all are about to think Im a terrible person.and actuallyI probably am

Ian.this all revolves around Ian. Ugh. Im so sick of boys.they are stupid. I hate it. i should just stick only to girls.

Hokay.here we go

Ian and i met a while ago on myspace, then met up in person at castle park. And when i had some difficulties with my friends we started hanging out a lot. Starting New Years Eve....we kinda got physical. And it started to look like we were going to be more than friendswhatever

But he had to go to New York.....and never told me why he had to go....just that he had already planned to go and that he had friends to see. I'm stupid and i don't ask questions....so i had no clue about Peggy. I found out later about her....much later.

So he had me spend the night the day before he left for New York.
The night before he was all upset and saying that he wished he didn't have to go and crap. And he was really worried that i wouldn't like him when he got back. I assured him that i was not like that at all and would.

He kept telling me and my friends that he would ask me out when he got back from NY.

When he was in NY i started to find out things about Peggy piece by piece. I'm not stupid enough to assume he wasn't up to something when he wouldn't tell me about why he was leaving or whatever.

So my friend Jessica started spying on him....found out some stuff, told me....and then i started to get really curious. And i started to kinda see what comments were left for him....and eventually when Peggy started saying a lot i found her and started to check around on her page.

He arranged for me to be at the airport when he got back from NY....and was totally normal about everything.

Everything went back to normal. Except he still didn't ask me out. And kept saying he just needed to figure things out.

As time went on, i started to learn more things about her and find out little details that i didn't want to know.
And as soon as he changed his name to "Ian is charlie brown" i figured it all out and died. He had never ever changed his myspace name since I had known him.and from all my spying I had found out that she called him Charlie Brown. Then i realized that the two of them were more than he was telling me. [till this day he wont really say her name to me which is retarded....because i do know who she especially after all that has happened. and i keep telling him to use her name because it is irritating and slightly insulting.]

After a while of battling with it i finally talked to him about what the hell was going on.
The thursday before valentines day i finally told him i couldn't deal with his indecision. i couldn't just stay acting like we were while he "figured things out" I couldnt just keep letting him use me.
So i asked him to make a decision and i would probably not be around for a while until he did. I needed him to decided where we stood.
He said "For now, lets just be friends, and we'll see what happens in the future."
So then....i realized that she was more important than me....and yet he still would not talk about her or admit anything.
He even had the freaking nerve to say the whole well see what happens in the future part.so that he could keep me on a string. Fucker.

My friend Jessica had been trying to get him to go out with me from the start. So I told her about all the crap. That night my friend Jessica texted him with "Its because of that girl Peggy, right? You like her!"
he replied "Well, its not just that. I love her"

so word gets back to me....and still he didn't admit anything. He wouldnt even talk about herhe wouldnt tell me what was going on.he just wouldnt talk to me about it.

I texted him "Ian, i'm so sorry, i didn't mean for any of this to happen. I'm just really sorry, i never even knew about Peggy until after i fell for you"
and he texted back that he was sorry and crap like that and that he wanted to know how i was dealing with things and if i was ok, blah blah blah. Againhe had the nerve to try to keep me on a string and say a bunch of crap like I want to make sure you are ok because you are still very important to me. I really do care about you and I guess it workedhe did keep me on a string

After that night, Ian and i were just friends. absolutely nothing else....

And we kept it that way.....he didn't try anything, and i wouldn't let him try anything at all. But I could always tell when he was struggling..and I could totally tell that he wanted me.butI wouldnt let him do anything..we were just friends and he had a girlfriend. Oh yeahI had come to find out that they were going out.and I found all that out by the comments they left each other and the pics they both put up.

I was just crushed. I swear to god. I can NEVER have anyone there for me.

Eventually she came down to cali to see him. I actually did want to meet her, because at that point, as far as i was concerned, she was my best friends' girlfriend, so i wanted to know who she were, you know? I had come to terms with the fact that I couldnt have him.but it still did kill. But I was ok enough to even leave comments on pics of the two of them on his page saying that they were cute together.
but i was still all weirded out by it all, because yeah, i still really do like him. A lot.

And i was also worried [since i didn't know what kind of person she was] that she would meet me, be nice to me in person, and then when i was gone, she would pick me apart to Ian and tell him what an aweful person i am or something, and|or try to get him to not be my friend anymore, or forbid him from ever seeing me ever again.
and right then...i really just needed a friend
I was really cool with the fact that they were together
i could see how happy it was making him....most of the time [he has major issues when he is going out with someone...he gets really depressed for no reason even more than normal]

I even asked him while she was here if i could add her as a friend on myspace or if she really did hate me.
i cant rememeber if he ignored that text or if he told me not to....either way it was a no. so i didn't.

When she was here, Ian texted me all the time saying he missed me and such, big deal, we hung out every day before she got there, sure, he'll miss a friend, right? thats where my mind was.
But then he started saying stuff like he cared about me a lot and such again.
And while she was here, he stopped by my work once and said hi and that he missed meand at various times he would sneak off while she was in the shower and come see me and crap

And then....during the last few days she was here, out of nowhere i got a text from him:
I dunno I feel like you are the only one I can relate to and will listen and I told him that I do listen and I do careyatta yatta yattabut I made sure that I kept it all friendship.because of coursePeggy.
Then the next day I got this text:
"am I an ass hole for wanting to take a break from peggy"
i sent back that i didn't know and that he needed to figure out why he felt that, what was his reasoning?
He didn't quite answer that and said that he wasn't sure he wanted to go to NY
i tried to convince him to go to NY with her because he needed the vacation and he liked it there last time.
He kept trying to say he wasn't sure and didn't know and just was so unsure about everything.
I told him that he still loved her and she loved him, so why not go? he already had that planned.
I asked him again why he wanted to take a break from her. He said it was a bunch of reasons. I asked if she were bothering him or something. and he said it was just a bunch of different things. it was a bunch of reasons. I made sure that the entire time I was a friend giving adviceneutral advice.and I was mainly on her side surprisingly enough.
So i said that he really needed to think about things before he made a decision.
he said "Yeah i know. One part of it is i have feelings for someone"
i told him that he needed to make sure that he really did have those feelings for someone and that he was ready to not be with her anymore or whatever. he needed to be sure
i got this text back
"yeah i dunno how to say this besides i mean you"
i just sent back "are you sure??"
he said yes and that he had been struggling with that for a long time and had been thinking about that a lot.

When she had first come down the plan was she would be here for two weeks and then he would go back to NY with her for a few weeks. But since he wanted to take a break from her..he decided to let her go back without him.

When she gone i went back to hanging out with him like normal. And none of that really was ever mentioned. We were just two friends hanging out again. Nothing was discussed. Nothing was cleared up. Nothing was explained. and i am just the kind of person that lets things go. So for a while nothing happened and the two of them were still together and what not.

my little sister texted him one day and asked him if he was still going out with her and what was going on. He said he was trying and that he didn't know what to do.

So one day i was at his house and she IMed him. He said that he was going to try to break up with her, but didn't know how to do it. He even asked me to do it for him. I said that that was the worst idea he had had since i've known him. Not a good idea at all. And he said that he knew that.....

Eventually while i was at work we had this conversation about herand how he wanted to break up with herbut everytime they talked that she was going on and on about how much she loved himand he felt like he would just be crushing her.and he didnt want her to think that he was breaking up with her for someone else. He just felt like he shouldnt have a girlfriend right nowtoo many issues

I ended up in the end trying to convince him to stay with herbecause that was where his heart wasand he said he didnt want to.

and yeah....so that is kinda where we've left off as far as talking about it

and its really lame....but, after that convo.we kinda got physical again....i know i should be shot for that....i know we shouldn't have....but to tell you the truth, i wouldn't have gotten physical with him again.....he started it.....
I was sitting on the couch watching cartoons and he came and sat next to me after making lunch or whatever and I was telling him something and out of nowhere he kinda just pounced on me. and yeah.that started things all over again.and I didnt stop it.i should have..i feel sooo aweful about that....but....i don't know....i didn't know what to do about it. i didn't know how to not. i didn't know how to stop it. i really just don't know what to do.....
Then..things between the two of them got pretty badI could tell from how things went on myspace and how he would act when I was with him
He still wanted to break up with herbut didnt know how to do it
But.i didnt know if maybe he was lying to me and saying something else to her

Eventually..she posted a blog that talked about someone that she loved [Ian] and how she hated her [obviously me] and it was just drama

So I posted a blog that openly invited her to talk to me if she wanted to know. BecauseI wanted to know also. I needed to know what the hell was going on. I needed to know.

So she messaged me with
hi. I just wanted to know if that blog was about me. thanks. Bye.

And that is when I posted the whole shit has hit the fan journal

All the drama had begun.uhm.actually no.all the difficult craziness drama began. But drama itself started the day he met me.

I messaged her back with yesit was.so then she sent back that she had a feeling that we needed to clear up a few issuesand she needed to figure out who I was and I needed to figure out who she was

She asked me to tell her the whole story

So I did. I told her everything. I didnt lie about anything. I didnt candy coat anything. I didnt even make anything easier..i was very open about everything. And I told her I would be from the start.

In fact.this whole journal actually was just me copying and pasting what I sent to her.but I just changed the yous to her|she|Peggy|etc so yeah

And I also took out a convo Ian and I had via yahoo messenger [thank god it saves all convos for me!! ^_^] I sent that to herbecause it had some important info in it.

But in the endshe asked me to call her so that we could talk about it instead of type it all because so much gets forgotten

She promised she wouldnt flip out. She promised that we would have a civil conversation so we could clear up issues. She said that we could handle it properly because we were both adults.

So.when I called her.we were really confused as to where to start. We didnt know how to go about anything. She said that she felt that she had been competing with me for her boyfriend..once we got talkingwe just talked. We found out that Ian has been being an idiot the whole time. We both wanted to talk to each other since the beginning.
And we also found out that we have an ungodly amount in commonit really is weird.we seriously are the same person. It is fucking weird. What the hell!?!?

But we got along soooo well. We talked for over 3 hours. And we are such good friends. We just chat now.it is sooo freaking weird.

The end of our convo was that Ian needed to make up his mind and figure out what he wants. And we are friends. Good friends already.

AND! We played a joke on Ian. He was really worried that she would flip out on me. he said that I can be sensitive.WHAT THE FUCK?!?! Im one of the least sensitive people I knowIm a freaking zombieI have no feelings[trust me.i sound more emo online than I really am..] i seriously have no feelings anymoreIm stone :/
But anyways..he wanted her to be really nice to mehe was worried. So we totally tricked him. She called him after our convo and said that she flipped out on me and screamed and yelled at meand that it just went really really bad. And then I texted him that I was done. I was so freaking done with everything and I justdidnt care anymore.

Apparently he was freaking out about that! Hehe {{evil grin}} HIS FAULT!! He brought it upon himself! [if that is childishthen screw youIm glad Im childish!]

So we three-way called him the next day

I called Ian finally after ignoring him all the day before.i was all sad and upset sounding and I just talked about the other night and how I was really hurt.Peggy was on the line the whole time
ThenI all of a sudden busted up laughingand Peggy did too and we explained how we were totally kiddingand that we were great friends and all
The first thing he said was Uhm.how are both of you on the phone???? <-IDIOT!!!
He was just so confused the whole timehe had been asleep.it was too funny!
He said Im so confused!! What the hell?? What? Are we going to start a polygamy [HAHA!] family now or something??!? we laughed and told him he still needed to figure things out. But the whole time he kept saying how confused he was.and kept asking if he could hang up yet. He was being a real ass. And you could tell that he didnt like that we were friends and talk now! ASSHOLE! UGH!!!

Peggy told me that he keeps saying that he is just getting bored with everyone. She said that he said he is getting bored with her and everyone. She said that he said he was bored with her and then he said a bunch of other namesshe never said he actually said he was getting bored with mebut.yeah.obviously I am one too. Thats so fucked up. I would TOTALLY not be boringIm not a boring person.EXCEPT!! what the hell does he expect me to do to not be boring when he is playing FUCKING VIDEO GAMES ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!! GRAH!!!!!!! Ugh I am so mad

So reallyin the endI dont give a fuck what he decides..im done. I really am. I need to move on. Im done being played with. Im done being something to use and then when he is done stash me away in his closet so no one else can have me in case for some reason later he might want me again. fuck that. No way. Im done.
i'm still so in love with him....but i'm just done. i can't take it anymore....i am not stable enough for it.
Im going to try to move on. Friends of mine are now trying to set me up with people hahaand Im supposed to go on blind dates and such.lame.that really is retarded.
Ive never done shit like that.but maybe I need tobecause my methods arent helping me at allIve never really had a real relationship for oneso yeah


Ughso yeahthere is morebut Im too mad to even think enough to figure out what to say. So yeahthats all for that for now

Other news.

Peggy and I are leaving retarded messages with each other on myspaceand yeahits funny..Ian doesnt like it

I might be moving to Florida for about 1-2 months. But that means no laptop and no cellphone the entire time. It is a form of therapy my dad wants to try.justchange things up a bitnoa lot.

I love the song The Adventure by Angels and Airwavesyeahnew favorite song. I heart it a lot. A LOT a lot. Omg. So beautiful. It makes me crywhich is odd.because I never cry.

I found a therapistbut havent seen her yet.but supposedly she is really goodshe comes with recommendations from my friends who I trust.

Silent Hill made me pee. Im sad.i would have rather have seen it with someone I like..so I could cling to them..because I didnt have anyone to save me in that movie. It really did scare meI dont do well with scary movies..i LOVE them.after the movie is done lol
But during the movie I am scared shitless and peeing myself..i kept sayingOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!! OmgI hate this movie!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHH!!
And I was screaming and jumping and dyingit was fun. Lol
I just wish someone would go see movies with me and let me hide in their lapIm really good at that

Last night I found out that I dont look cute when I cry, despite popular belief. Everyone always tells me I look so cute when I cry. They say it is so sad and my eyes get really big.and I just look.cute or whatever.and normallyif I cry.everyone around me cries also.but I dont normally ever cry.so it is a rare thing. I was unfortunate enough to be crying last night [Im a very depressed drunk apparentlyIm either a really REALLY happy, social, horny drunk or Im really fucking depressedlast night I was really depressed] and i had to pee outa nowhere [stupid bladder infection] and had to run to the bathroomwhen I passed the mirror I saw myselfit wasnt cute at all.it was aweful. I hate that.i never want to see that ever again. Im not attractive enough as it isthat was just terrifying. And that was the first time Ive ever seen the whole makeup smeared down my face from tears.that part looked really coolit was all perfect..but I couldnt find my camera :[

I am out of money again....don't know how i am going to get around this week...and gas is far too expensive....over $3 a gallon now....{{le sigh}}.....i literally have no money...fuck i am so bad at this!!

i need someone to care....i do. i don't mean all of my internet buddies that care about me....i care about them too..but i need someone here with me....someone tangible who can hold me and comfort me....and just....care about me for once. god i'm lame.

i have a new sketchbook...wewt....that means i have somewhere to draw again! YAY!! i love to draw....hopefully i'll draw something good...i'll post eventually.

no pics of me for now....i look terrible

So yeah..there. I wrote the novel
And I have to pee again. so yeah

The end.