Right now I am sitting watching my wife sleep off the effects of her final round of chemotherapy. It's hard to believe that the six treatments are done. Life has changed so much for us since it started. She's ill, and when she isn't she's tired. She's stubborn so she tries to do things anyway, but tires quickly. I've come to realize that in many cases, even though I know she will be worn out after, it is best to let her do what she feels she needs to. She claims that if she doesn't do them, she is giving up and doesn't want to do that. I admire her more now at the end of all of this than I ever did before all of this happened. I've never seen a stronger person. Ever.
For me, there have been changes as well. Many haven't been good or admirable. Drinking, flirting, a desire more than anything to escape from reality for a little while. As an example: it goes without saying that sex has stopped. And that is true for both of us. During the chemo, I've fantasized about the occational fling, and even pretended to myself that something might come of it, (FYI, I never actually planned to do anything). But, it was all fantasy. And, yes, even when presented with opportunities, I kept my dick in my pants aside from the occasional self-relief, late at night and by myself. Still, in 15 years of marriage, i've only ever even gone this far (the fantasy of a fling) once when I was young and dumb. I don't like it. It feels wrong to fantasize about someone else when the one you love more than anything is sick in another room.
But, now, it's almost done. Instead of continuing to watch her get worse, I get to watch her get better. Instead of watching her get weaker while still being stubborn, I get to see that stubbornness put to good use while she uses it to help her get stronger. And we get to be physically close again (after a bit). While I've always enjoyed porn and masturbation, I can put it back in the "normal" camp of photos, videos, and relief. Not as a substitute for a physical closeness that isn't possible for medical reasons.
Even though she's been here all along. I miss my wife. I can't wait to have her back. Every day is a gift. And now we both realize that. And even though we won't know for a few months that the cancer is gone for sure, the doctors are pretty sure that the chemo was just a preventative of further outbreak. She was told to consider herself cancer-free unless she hears otherwise. So we will. And life will go on. And now we'll notice that it is and cherish it just a little bit more. Together.
For me, there have been changes as well. Many haven't been good or admirable. Drinking, flirting, a desire more than anything to escape from reality for a little while. As an example: it goes without saying that sex has stopped. And that is true for both of us. During the chemo, I've fantasized about the occational fling, and even pretended to myself that something might come of it, (FYI, I never actually planned to do anything). But, it was all fantasy. And, yes, even when presented with opportunities, I kept my dick in my pants aside from the occasional self-relief, late at night and by myself. Still, in 15 years of marriage, i've only ever even gone this far (the fantasy of a fling) once when I was young and dumb. I don't like it. It feels wrong to fantasize about someone else when the one you love more than anything is sick in another room.
But, now, it's almost done. Instead of continuing to watch her get worse, I get to watch her get better. Instead of watching her get weaker while still being stubborn, I get to see that stubbornness put to good use while she uses it to help her get stronger. And we get to be physically close again (after a bit). While I've always enjoyed porn and masturbation, I can put it back in the "normal" camp of photos, videos, and relief. Not as a substitute for a physical closeness that isn't possible for medical reasons.
Even though she's been here all along. I miss my wife. I can't wait to have her back. Every day is a gift. And now we both realize that. And even though we won't know for a few months that the cancer is gone for sure, the doctors are pretty sure that the chemo was just a preventative of further outbreak. She was told to consider herself cancer-free unless she hears otherwise. So we will. And life will go on. And now we'll notice that it is and cherish it just a little bit more. Together.