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katfireblade

West Palm Beach, Florida

Member Since 2004

Followers 31 Following 46

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Tuesday Mar 29, 2005

Mar 29, 2005
0
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The rattle of skates across a wooden floor.
The feel of wind in my hair.
The sweat on knees and elbows beneath the pads.
The stretch as I push to do things I've never done before.
The hoot and holler of the girls.

I am addicted. Tonight I almost threw it in, Deb wasnt going and I really only wanted to sulk. I know, its a legit depression and all, but sulking is sulking, even when it feels compulsary and out of your control, and I was all torn up again. Greg helped so much, he didnt tell me once that it would be wrong to follow my heart, I said all of that, and I still dont know what I've decided. Greg just listened and didnt tell me I was stupid, gods bless the man. But even before I rung him up, I found myself on the road, the need to skate like a physical craving. I almost dont know what draws me back. I know what should, and I feel it, the team, the companionship, the sense of accomplishment, its all part of it, but even I know I'm floating the outsides, not quite a part but not quite seperate, so lost in all my own little darknesses that surfacing to be social ranges from difficult to sometimes hellish. There have been days I laid out simply because I couldnt handle it, or because I wasnt fit company for monsters. But more often than not, even on days when laying out is unavoidable--like when my car was down and I was without wheels--I feel the pull and want to go back.

I am addicted and dont know why. I am not the most social, nor the best, I shine in no particular way whatsoever. ....actually, maybe thats it. Its not often I get to be somewhat ordinary, just one of the girls. But I dont know for sure. But when I'm done, I feel better.

I started the evening stumbling over my jumps, the first thing I said upon rolling off to tackles them was that I sucked. Statement of fact, I jump like a ballerina and I need to jump like a frog. But by the end of the evening I did three in a row, all frog jumps, no problem. Repeat performance next session? Dunno, I have lots more practice to do. But I went on the floor saying I sucked, and could honestly leave proud and saying I didnt.

I dont go for kudos.
I dont go for health, though I love I get it.
I dont go for anything, really.
But I always go.

The rattle of skates on wood.
The wind through my hair.
Speed. Endorphins.
Gatorade.

Addiction is good.

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