I am becoming seduced by femininity. I am seduced by affordable prices, by delicates that run and snag, by short skirts and sassy clothing, by things that hint of sweet and tough and sexy. Friday night I dressed for the weather and surprised myself. Short plaid schoolgirl number that only looked like a skirt--it was shorts, but a pair nicely hidden. Heavy cloth stockings, covered by lighter mesh ones for a fantastic long legged look, and a plain cleavage showing grey shirt. I didnt get to go to my party, but I did step outside and I was warm enough, would be warmer with my leather trench on. I looked exactly as I wanted too and was comfortable in the outfit, so comfortable in fact, I sat around the house the rest of the night in it, legs crooked over the arm of an overstuffed chair and watching TV.
I've found cheap garter belts. Cheap in that they dont cost $50 from Victoria's Secret but they also arent the over-the-counter $8 brand from Target, they have some sense of style. I have found a leather one with chains, and lace panel ones that make you look like a model of victorian england in the most sensual manner of the word. I've found retro and trendy and even some flowery ones I'd suffer myself to wear. I've found stockings made of spandex, stockings that shimmer like holograms, stockings that have a dragon or tiger tattoo on the sides, cobwebs, bridal, ones that look like panels of lace from the toe to the thigh where they stop. Corsets under $100--do you know how rare that is?? And the club clothing I'm looking at...Hot Topic only wishes it had these things.
And bras--affordable bras, sexy bras, for me, goddamnit!! Nothing ever fits right, I'm not a plus sized girl, probably a 36 D if all truth be told, 36 ribcage, D sized breasts. But I wear 38 C because its the closest fit, despite the fact my breasts like to spill out of them andits always too loose on my body. And I try on bra after bra fruitlessly at any given store and get fruistrated and pray, because I cannot afford $100 for a ligerie store-type bra which may fir better, but takes half my paycheck to get. You know, my rent money. Bras that might fit me, marked at $25. Or less, or just a little more. And not over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders with all the grace and sensuality of a stern German schoolteacher with a face like a bulldog, but fun ones. Shelf bras and peek-a-boos, lace numbers and underwires and other fun things.
Had I had all this years ago, I'd be much more of a feminine girl-type nopw. As it was, I'd given up on even the idea any of the fun stuff would ever fit me, or I could find anything marked in my personality, instead of the same boring sheer black hose with the ugly control tops and bras in my size that make me look like Granny Hilda with back problems.
Whats better is I can look to it withan eye for the shape my body will become. Skating practice at least twice a week means my legs will eventually be the kick ass shape I've been wanting. Meaning I can now wear my tube and sheathe dresses, both bought and unbought. Get a pair of those stick-on bra things and walk out onto the streets feeling as good as naked but completely clothed. Fun! *G*
Yeah, given half a chance I have way too much fun with life.
Its odd, I have this feeling growing inside of me recently, and I dont know what it is. I dont know if its breaking through a wall, an imminent breakdown, or just hormones, but it lingers like a bubble of emotion that just wont pop. It feels like laughing, like crying, like that build just before an orgasm. It sits in my chest and my loins, it tickles my throat, and it lurks both pleasent and uncomfortable and very much in the way. Sometimes it fades, and I go for hours with my own natural emotions, perky or sassy or sad or depressed, then it comes back. And the truly uncomfortable thing is itslike having two layers of emotion, thisset, and the set that I'm feeling.
Imagine a gel substance, andthen imagine a bubble lodged dead in the middle of it that you just cant pop and you have a good visual of what it feel like to have those two layers of emotions. Now imagine the bubble is rock solid and gets in the way of the normal fluidity of the gel, and you start to have an idea of the discomfort.
Its happened before, like on the edge of nervous breakdowns, but I'm nowhere near that point right now. I'm not stressed or emotionally broken enough to even come close. Perhaps its excitement, I'm making changes in my life for the better on many levels, breaking out into things I wouldnt even had considered before. I have long been in need of breaking my stagnation, maybe this feeling is what comes when that process begins, like getting rid of gunk and leaves and trash thats blocking the pathway of flowing water.
It could just be my period.
I dont know, restlessness has taken me. I am disenchanted with people as a whole, having found out in ways I hadnt known before how cruel they can be, and how they'll say anything to make themselves brighter in other people's eyes, even when what they speak is a complete lie. I have learned a trust rewarded by betrayal, and an openness punished by the severest of contempt, and its given me a knee-jerk fear of people and an anger that doesnt wash away. The restlessness is consuming me, and all I want right now is to be in a place my face isnt known and my story untold. I want to be in a place where the anger doesnt consume me, where I dont look at every new face and wonder where the betrayal is coming from this time, where words dont echo hollow in my ears. I dont know if thats possible, but a new place can offer new perspective. I can try.
Nothing will come of this feeling, this bubble, it never does. Just as the grass is never greener, though sometimes the living situations are. But I do know I am searching, have always been searching, for what I dont know. Sometimes I look at a person or place and think I've found it, only to look again and see a stranger or a wasteland. Perhaps I will never find it. But if the journey is all that counts, then I'll have some interesting stories to tell my grandkids someday.
I've found cheap garter belts. Cheap in that they dont cost $50 from Victoria's Secret but they also arent the over-the-counter $8 brand from Target, they have some sense of style. I have found a leather one with chains, and lace panel ones that make you look like a model of victorian england in the most sensual manner of the word. I've found retro and trendy and even some flowery ones I'd suffer myself to wear. I've found stockings made of spandex, stockings that shimmer like holograms, stockings that have a dragon or tiger tattoo on the sides, cobwebs, bridal, ones that look like panels of lace from the toe to the thigh where they stop. Corsets under $100--do you know how rare that is?? And the club clothing I'm looking at...Hot Topic only wishes it had these things.
And bras--affordable bras, sexy bras, for me, goddamnit!! Nothing ever fits right, I'm not a plus sized girl, probably a 36 D if all truth be told, 36 ribcage, D sized breasts. But I wear 38 C because its the closest fit, despite the fact my breasts like to spill out of them andits always too loose on my body. And I try on bra after bra fruitlessly at any given store and get fruistrated and pray, because I cannot afford $100 for a ligerie store-type bra which may fir better, but takes half my paycheck to get. You know, my rent money. Bras that might fit me, marked at $25. Or less, or just a little more. And not over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders with all the grace and sensuality of a stern German schoolteacher with a face like a bulldog, but fun ones. Shelf bras and peek-a-boos, lace numbers and underwires and other fun things.
Had I had all this years ago, I'd be much more of a feminine girl-type nopw. As it was, I'd given up on even the idea any of the fun stuff would ever fit me, or I could find anything marked in my personality, instead of the same boring sheer black hose with the ugly control tops and bras in my size that make me look like Granny Hilda with back problems.
Whats better is I can look to it withan eye for the shape my body will become. Skating practice at least twice a week means my legs will eventually be the kick ass shape I've been wanting. Meaning I can now wear my tube and sheathe dresses, both bought and unbought. Get a pair of those stick-on bra things and walk out onto the streets feeling as good as naked but completely clothed. Fun! *G*
Yeah, given half a chance I have way too much fun with life.
Its odd, I have this feeling growing inside of me recently, and I dont know what it is. I dont know if its breaking through a wall, an imminent breakdown, or just hormones, but it lingers like a bubble of emotion that just wont pop. It feels like laughing, like crying, like that build just before an orgasm. It sits in my chest and my loins, it tickles my throat, and it lurks both pleasent and uncomfortable and very much in the way. Sometimes it fades, and I go for hours with my own natural emotions, perky or sassy or sad or depressed, then it comes back. And the truly uncomfortable thing is itslike having two layers of emotion, thisset, and the set that I'm feeling.
Imagine a gel substance, andthen imagine a bubble lodged dead in the middle of it that you just cant pop and you have a good visual of what it feel like to have those two layers of emotions. Now imagine the bubble is rock solid and gets in the way of the normal fluidity of the gel, and you start to have an idea of the discomfort.
Its happened before, like on the edge of nervous breakdowns, but I'm nowhere near that point right now. I'm not stressed or emotionally broken enough to even come close. Perhaps its excitement, I'm making changes in my life for the better on many levels, breaking out into things I wouldnt even had considered before. I have long been in need of breaking my stagnation, maybe this feeling is what comes when that process begins, like getting rid of gunk and leaves and trash thats blocking the pathway of flowing water.
It could just be my period.
I dont know, restlessness has taken me. I am disenchanted with people as a whole, having found out in ways I hadnt known before how cruel they can be, and how they'll say anything to make themselves brighter in other people's eyes, even when what they speak is a complete lie. I have learned a trust rewarded by betrayal, and an openness punished by the severest of contempt, and its given me a knee-jerk fear of people and an anger that doesnt wash away. The restlessness is consuming me, and all I want right now is to be in a place my face isnt known and my story untold. I want to be in a place where the anger doesnt consume me, where I dont look at every new face and wonder where the betrayal is coming from this time, where words dont echo hollow in my ears. I dont know if thats possible, but a new place can offer new perspective. I can try.
Nothing will come of this feeling, this bubble, it never does. Just as the grass is never greener, though sometimes the living situations are. But I do know I am searching, have always been searching, for what I dont know. Sometimes I look at a person or place and think I've found it, only to look again and see a stranger or a wasteland. Perhaps I will never find it. But if the journey is all that counts, then I'll have some interesting stories to tell my grandkids someday.
Restlessness always seems to surface after an unestimated time of being alone. Sometimes this can be days, sometimes minutes. I often think of the things I should be doing. Listen to this, research that, create. Creation seems to be king. The pain that one human being can cause another can be endless it seems. The most personal relations are the one who sting the most. I am almost always aprehensive of new people myself. It's funny, but the net and this site in particular seems to allow me to feel strange a sense of community though with new people. The closeness of a person in some way. not in the truest sense, but you see all the things you know or have mutual understanding of just by looking to the left....
The searching never ends, what for? Sometimes I think I will never know. That hunger and drive in one avenue that leads to a dead stop on the next.The faces and motives do always seem to change in some fashion.
The changing rush and pass of emotions is never ending . I can't have a period obvouisly, but the body, the planet, and life cycles. You can only hope you get smarter as time goes on.
As for Femininity, I am seduced by it every day. Almost by the minute it sometimes seems. The animal inside tries to push to the surface every chance it can. The shape of a neck, a smile, lets face it, a beautiful figure, whatever shape that might be this minute. Eyes.....
The underwear , bras , and garterbelt thing just pushes the whole animal side over the edge. I can't stand it. Ok those two paragraphs are way more sensual than the two photosets that went up today. The power of words and imagination is ridiculous , but in the best way. The thought of you spilling out of your clothes is too much.
Nothing quite like an intelligent and imaginative mind....
and GO YOU!!!