So on the night of the new year I dream of Him again. I'm really racking up the body count on these dreams. I have passionately loved and hated people before, but never with these results. I am past the point of sorrow, of irritation, of testiness at myself over the phenomena anymore. If anything I feel kind of...numb. In my defense, I didnt set myself up for this dream. I didnt go to bed thinking or longing for Him, cried myself to sleep over him for the last time a month or three back, and thoughts of any of it now inspire in me mostly regret and numbness. I'm just too tired to feel.
The only thing I can even think sparked it was my wish for the New Year, spoken softly to the still night air, but what inspired my wish wasnt His voice, the thought of Him, but another. I jut dont know, I dont even know if he was really there, in my dream, or if he was a figment caused by me.
The dream was nowhere near shocking. In most of it he had his back to me, was doing other things, and he and I and a third party who I never saw/felt clearly, just knew was there were hanging out. It was as I'd come to expect from situations involving him; I was largely ignored. At one point I recall trying to tell him a funny story, but in light of his indifference, it dried up in my throat and suddenly sounded like showing off, crowing an "I'm better than you" anthem, when in fact all I had wanted to do was make him laugh. At another I simply tried to speak to him and was ignored. He was doing something on a paper...drawing I think? Drawing his tribals? But I dont know, the paper looked blank the entire time. He tolerated me there, but thats what I felt, tolerated. It wasnt as if he'd said "Yes," to my presence so much as he hadnt wanted to tell someone else "No." Been there too.
The whole time I heard a song playing in my head, a song that has always caused me to think of him every time I heard it. Its...Paranoia, I think, by...Apoptygma Berzerk or Assemblage 23, one of them. "Your mind is full of enemies, the room is full of energies / That want to take control / They're all around you, and you're all alone / Your mind is full of enemies, the room is full of energies / Haunting your soul / They're all around you, and you're on your own / One day you'll realize that you were wrong / You'll regret that all this happened / Some day you'll realize that you were wrong / To be left with paranoia..." And so on. I woke with it in my head so loud it was like a radio jacked up in the room.
I feel a bit bummed now, old hurts I guess, but woke feeling nothing at all. Old hurts. *shrug* I wasnt good enough, will never be good enough, and not through entirely my own fault. If simply making the wrong social choices or having less than perfect social skills were truly the biggest issue, then he should be hung just as high as me, as should several of his friends. I dont know why I saw a Saturday? (yes, oddly, it took the pattern of a Friday night but felt of Saturday, and the lighting was daylight, not nightfall) and me along for the ride, but I did. For thelongest time when I asked him when we would hang out, the lie I knew he'd give me in reply every conversation, I think what I realy was asking was; "When will you tell me the truth?" I never got a satisfactory answer to either question.
What do I think o it all? Well, out of the norm dream-wise, but nothing unusual otherwise. The fact it happened on New Years Day spooks me, but half the time I dont interpret these things anyway, and I dont see a need to try.
I miss him. I have finally come to terms with the fact I'll always miss him. He either doesnt like me or isnt allowed to like me because of his girlfriend, he said the latter and I suspected the former, but in the end it makes no difference. I'm happy to let him remain a ghost undisturbed, and leave me in peace. I'll drive today, shake this feeling I have. Its been over a year and even seeng his face in my dreams has the power to shake me. I dont know why he was important to me, I dont care anymore. Maybe thats what the dream was, putting the ashes to rest. It ended the same as our friendship anyway, on no certain note, with neither a beginning or an end, leaving me to figure out what the hell just happened here.
Aint worth it.
*sigh* Someday the universe will throw this punch and I'll stand firm. Or maybe I already am. And maybe again I'm looking for answers, reasons, anything to help me understand that I will never find, and dont need to look again, I already know this land is barren, I dont want to tread it again. Best to stop now.
Things to do, I'm going away now.
The only thing I can even think sparked it was my wish for the New Year, spoken softly to the still night air, but what inspired my wish wasnt His voice, the thought of Him, but another. I jut dont know, I dont even know if he was really there, in my dream, or if he was a figment caused by me.
The dream was nowhere near shocking. In most of it he had his back to me, was doing other things, and he and I and a third party who I never saw/felt clearly, just knew was there were hanging out. It was as I'd come to expect from situations involving him; I was largely ignored. At one point I recall trying to tell him a funny story, but in light of his indifference, it dried up in my throat and suddenly sounded like showing off, crowing an "I'm better than you" anthem, when in fact all I had wanted to do was make him laugh. At another I simply tried to speak to him and was ignored. He was doing something on a paper...drawing I think? Drawing his tribals? But I dont know, the paper looked blank the entire time. He tolerated me there, but thats what I felt, tolerated. It wasnt as if he'd said "Yes," to my presence so much as he hadnt wanted to tell someone else "No." Been there too.
The whole time I heard a song playing in my head, a song that has always caused me to think of him every time I heard it. Its...Paranoia, I think, by...Apoptygma Berzerk or Assemblage 23, one of them. "Your mind is full of enemies, the room is full of energies / That want to take control / They're all around you, and you're all alone / Your mind is full of enemies, the room is full of energies / Haunting your soul / They're all around you, and you're on your own / One day you'll realize that you were wrong / You'll regret that all this happened / Some day you'll realize that you were wrong / To be left with paranoia..." And so on. I woke with it in my head so loud it was like a radio jacked up in the room.
I feel a bit bummed now, old hurts I guess, but woke feeling nothing at all. Old hurts. *shrug* I wasnt good enough, will never be good enough, and not through entirely my own fault. If simply making the wrong social choices or having less than perfect social skills were truly the biggest issue, then he should be hung just as high as me, as should several of his friends. I dont know why I saw a Saturday? (yes, oddly, it took the pattern of a Friday night but felt of Saturday, and the lighting was daylight, not nightfall) and me along for the ride, but I did. For thelongest time when I asked him when we would hang out, the lie I knew he'd give me in reply every conversation, I think what I realy was asking was; "When will you tell me the truth?" I never got a satisfactory answer to either question.
What do I think o it all? Well, out of the norm dream-wise, but nothing unusual otherwise. The fact it happened on New Years Day spooks me, but half the time I dont interpret these things anyway, and I dont see a need to try.
I miss him. I have finally come to terms with the fact I'll always miss him. He either doesnt like me or isnt allowed to like me because of his girlfriend, he said the latter and I suspected the former, but in the end it makes no difference. I'm happy to let him remain a ghost undisturbed, and leave me in peace. I'll drive today, shake this feeling I have. Its been over a year and even seeng his face in my dreams has the power to shake me. I dont know why he was important to me, I dont care anymore. Maybe thats what the dream was, putting the ashes to rest. It ended the same as our friendship anyway, on no certain note, with neither a beginning or an end, leaving me to figure out what the hell just happened here.
Aint worth it.
*sigh* Someday the universe will throw this punch and I'll stand firm. Or maybe I already am. And maybe again I'm looking for answers, reasons, anything to help me understand that I will never find, and dont need to look again, I already know this land is barren, I dont want to tread it again. Best to stop now.
Things to do, I'm going away now.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
but oh so deep
i wish i had deepness like that