Its all about the lie:
"I'm sorry, I cant, my schedule is just so busy..."
Followed by my lie:
"I understand, but you're always busy. I'd really like to see you. Catch coffee maybe?"
Followed by his:
"Tell you what, call/email/whatever me back later, I'll check my schedule and we'll try to set something up."
Followed again by my own lie, not in the words--until recently, I always did follow it up--but in the implied gullibility, the sweetness and light and cheery voice:
"I will!"
I stopped because it was always followed by another lie of his. He would be "just too busy," then the next day I'd discover he had most of the day free, that he couldnt spare a half hour for a person he insists and has never stopped calling a friend that he hasnt seen in months, but can spare hours for everyone else, or for video games, or movies, or whatever else he squanders time on. Or he would make plans, legitamite plans with me, followed by cancelling them out at the last minute Every. Single. Blessed. Time.
He has invited me into his life twice, once to meet him, once to comfort him when his life had just fallen apart. He invited me once briefly to comfort me, but never just to see me, just to spend time with me, say hi, hang out. If another has invited me to be in a place he will be, he has never said "No," but not saying "No" is not the same thing as actually saying "Yes," it is simply a lack of protest. I have tried to reach out to him every way I know how, to be the friend he claims I am, or at least begin down that path. A year later I know him no better than I did upon first meeting him.
He has ten thousand excuses why I will never see him, twenty thousand things that come up at the last minute, thirty million reasons why I am last place in his life behind cleaning up the pond scum and picking the lint out of his belly button. He has since before the drama took over, before I had done anything but be there when he needed a friend. And all I ever asked in return, all I ever wanted, was to be given a chance and be taken seriously, to not be played like some sort of game. And at the end of the day when it was all said and done, all I ever wanted to be was his friend. Is it so bad, just liking someone and saying "Give me a chance?" Or; "I am moving away from all I know, I am alone and afraid and moving away from everything I have ever known, but in this place I know you; can I use you as a launch pad to learn the area, to see it a while through your eyes, to shake hands with the people who know you and let you be my guide? I might not settle here, we may drift apart, but for a time, can I be here? Is that okay?" Thats how it all began, just that way. To this day I dont see the wrong in that, dont see the evil. How is that frightened little girl I felt like evil?
I dont even get the decency, the respect, of a flat-out "No." or "Go away." Either would be less cruel. And because he doesnt say it, I dont do it. I've told him flat out before its all he needs to do to get me to go away forever, even asked him why he doesnt. He says its not his responsibility if I decide to stick around. Maybe not, but wouldnt it be his kindness, his compassion to do so if thats what he truly desires? To give me a straight answer, just once, instead of just leaving me hanging, wondering how at one moment he can show what seems to be a real affection and the next nothing but the flat blankness of a wall? Wouldnt it be the act of someone who is now, or once was as he claims, my friend?
And because he doesnt there is...a perverseness to what I do. It fuels my determination not to give him the satisfaction of fading away, to not give him his easy out. Talking to him anymore is like a child poking at a bee's nest with a stick. You know its stupid, you know you could wind up in a world of hurt, but there is a fascination with it, to just see what happens next, to see if its the same thing every time. If you lightly tap it once, will they do the same thing as if you swung like it was a piniata? Will they swarm more, less, not at all? Do different times of the day make a difference, your moods, the colors in your clothes, the scent of the shampoo you wear? And can you dodge them this time again, or is this the one you finally get stung? Talking to him is like that. And each time we finish with that string of lies, always followed up by his "I'll tell you what..," his last word on it, his finalized lie.
His words are a sound and fury, signifying nothing.
Whether he calls me a friend, promises me time, claims how much he cares for me, tells me what a wonderful person I am, tells me how much he respects me, its all crap. He never lies, he always wholeheartedly believes what he says in the moment he says it, and his sincerity causes others to believe it, causes me to believe it. But always, always, it turns into a lie.
A sound and fury, and even now, knowing this, knowing everything I know in hindsight, I am still stung by the storm.
By the lie.
"I'm sorry, I cant, my schedule is just so busy..."
Followed by my lie:
"I understand, but you're always busy. I'd really like to see you. Catch coffee maybe?"
Followed by his:
"Tell you what, call/email/whatever me back later, I'll check my schedule and we'll try to set something up."
Followed again by my own lie, not in the words--until recently, I always did follow it up--but in the implied gullibility, the sweetness and light and cheery voice:
"I will!"
I stopped because it was always followed by another lie of his. He would be "just too busy," then the next day I'd discover he had most of the day free, that he couldnt spare a half hour for a person he insists and has never stopped calling a friend that he hasnt seen in months, but can spare hours for everyone else, or for video games, or movies, or whatever else he squanders time on. Or he would make plans, legitamite plans with me, followed by cancelling them out at the last minute Every. Single. Blessed. Time.
He has invited me into his life twice, once to meet him, once to comfort him when his life had just fallen apart. He invited me once briefly to comfort me, but never just to see me, just to spend time with me, say hi, hang out. If another has invited me to be in a place he will be, he has never said "No," but not saying "No" is not the same thing as actually saying "Yes," it is simply a lack of protest. I have tried to reach out to him every way I know how, to be the friend he claims I am, or at least begin down that path. A year later I know him no better than I did upon first meeting him.
He has ten thousand excuses why I will never see him, twenty thousand things that come up at the last minute, thirty million reasons why I am last place in his life behind cleaning up the pond scum and picking the lint out of his belly button. He has since before the drama took over, before I had done anything but be there when he needed a friend. And all I ever asked in return, all I ever wanted, was to be given a chance and be taken seriously, to not be played like some sort of game. And at the end of the day when it was all said and done, all I ever wanted to be was his friend. Is it so bad, just liking someone and saying "Give me a chance?" Or; "I am moving away from all I know, I am alone and afraid and moving away from everything I have ever known, but in this place I know you; can I use you as a launch pad to learn the area, to see it a while through your eyes, to shake hands with the people who know you and let you be my guide? I might not settle here, we may drift apart, but for a time, can I be here? Is that okay?" Thats how it all began, just that way. To this day I dont see the wrong in that, dont see the evil. How is that frightened little girl I felt like evil?
I dont even get the decency, the respect, of a flat-out "No." or "Go away." Either would be less cruel. And because he doesnt say it, I dont do it. I've told him flat out before its all he needs to do to get me to go away forever, even asked him why he doesnt. He says its not his responsibility if I decide to stick around. Maybe not, but wouldnt it be his kindness, his compassion to do so if thats what he truly desires? To give me a straight answer, just once, instead of just leaving me hanging, wondering how at one moment he can show what seems to be a real affection and the next nothing but the flat blankness of a wall? Wouldnt it be the act of someone who is now, or once was as he claims, my friend?
And because he doesnt there is...a perverseness to what I do. It fuels my determination not to give him the satisfaction of fading away, to not give him his easy out. Talking to him anymore is like a child poking at a bee's nest with a stick. You know its stupid, you know you could wind up in a world of hurt, but there is a fascination with it, to just see what happens next, to see if its the same thing every time. If you lightly tap it once, will they do the same thing as if you swung like it was a piniata? Will they swarm more, less, not at all? Do different times of the day make a difference, your moods, the colors in your clothes, the scent of the shampoo you wear? And can you dodge them this time again, or is this the one you finally get stung? Talking to him is like that. And each time we finish with that string of lies, always followed up by his "I'll tell you what..," his last word on it, his finalized lie.
His words are a sound and fury, signifying nothing.
Whether he calls me a friend, promises me time, claims how much he cares for me, tells me what a wonderful person I am, tells me how much he respects me, its all crap. He never lies, he always wholeheartedly believes what he says in the moment he says it, and his sincerity causes others to believe it, causes me to believe it. But always, always, it turns into a lie.
A sound and fury, and even now, knowing this, knowing everything I know in hindsight, I am still stung by the storm.
By the lie.
buzzhum:
Thats Heavy...and very well written and personal. I actually wonder for a moment now if its fiction or if it really happened. Thats a compliment btw.....