juxtapose

Negative letters are such a nice way of saying good bye. I mean I love it when a person takes time to say hurtful things to me right before they leave. It's the greatest way, you get the last say, you throw the last dagger. It sounds so invorgating, and powerful.
Loving me was their biggest mistake. What should I do now with all this vital information? This is just great.
I was never supportive for her. I never cared, all my feelings are bullshit. It must have seemed so easy to her, me being there, giving her the 5% of my heart that I have left. I felt so loved while all she did was tell me how it wasnt enough. I felt so good about myself when she basically wanted me to be the "person" "she wanted me to be."
............
I never meant to hurt anybody. I was just doing what I thought was the healthiest choices for me. I mean my whole life I never had a choice. I've been thrown into life situations without a choice from childbearing at 15, to emotionally entangled relationships, and doing things I don't want to do just for survival. Now I realize that I have a choice to make a better life, to not be controlled. I finally take a stand, make a choice, and look what happened. My whole life I put everybody before me, not by choice but because I had to. Now I have somebody who has only known me for a few months tell me that I'm the most self absorbed person they know.
Why can't people be understanding, even when they don't understand. It's not that hard. The minute you live by not doing or not knowing, everything falls into place.
Well....I know I wont be writing her any letters, I dont want to spread this negativity any farther. I know shit is fucked up and saying a bunch of unresolved anger and sadness wont help. I just want to be. I just wanted to be with her in happy auric fields before she left. Her idea of happy auric fields is me giving her all of my love, so she can basically take my heart with her to Spain. My broken 5% heart that I'm trying to heal I might add. She wants this deep intimacy of holding hands and long passionate kissing. Which I understand, but cmon now betweeen everything that has happened and the circumstances, I don't want to do that. It's not right, I don't want to feel entangled into something that's wrong for me, and I definatley don't want her codependency of love in my arms. I use to love so freely, from on relationship to another love unconditionally, uncontrollably, and irresponsibly, to only get hurt and hurt others. I would love to do that with her, but I rather hurt responsibly. Save it for something more sacred, true union, and a whole heart. I at least owe that to myself and humanity.
Honor one another.


on another note:

Still in search of the german earthquake machine.
Here's a start.

Weapon of the future

AND

Holes in Heaven



If you didn't read my long depressing journal, please at least read those, please.