juju33

I am starting to worry that I am having a manic break. Despite several things that were making me happy going very very wrong, I am still, so fucking happy.

I've started expressing my own needs, and realized that friendships where none of your needs getting met are not friendships at all, they are a desperate desire for validation based on someone elses dependency on you. I also realized that just because someone cares about you, doesn't mean that they can care for you. A very big difference. I miss my friend, imagine that I wil for a long time, but I am really proud of walking away before we made promises and had regrets.

I have had all kinds of poly issues in the last week or two and am going to get ten Poly demerits for my bad behavior. I am not allowing for the customary "cool off" period after a playmates break up with his primary partner, not to mention the fact that I am now dating a single person, wich is usually a big no no. I am no doubt, committing social suicide, but having a good time doing it. It's a Faust like situation and I am signing on the dotted line. My wife is supportive, she always is, and I guess that is what really matters.

I hate it when you get ahead of yourself, want something to be more than it is and start valuing it based on what it could be. Eventually you realize that you put all kinds of value in something that never really existed, and sometimes, you don't put value on the things that are really great because you are too busy wipping a dead horse. I am determined to stop running from the people who want me and running after the people who don't. I would like to join the club that will have me for a member now. AND, I am detrmined to stop seeing emotional availabilty as neediness, and start seeing it for what it is, fucking emotional availablity. And that's the truth.