josie_monroe

I'm restless again.
I get this way around this time of year, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't think. I can't.

Sterling came into town and made everything topsy turvy. It was so nice to see him, to touch him, to smell him. I missed him more than I thought I did. More than I remembered to, maybe? It does not really matter, last week was insane. A blur of old friends, and new friends, and parties, and behaving the way that I did in highschool...with better choices this time around.

I realized that he locked the door, and he dreamed of bolting everything down, of floating skulls, because, as he had teased me twenty four hours beforehand- he was afraid that I would leave him in the middle of the night. Like I used to, once I trusted him, once I trusted myself, I grew to ignore my instinct to flee. I dreamed of floating art, things that he would do...should do, pieces in grey slate green modular shapes, with breasts painted on them. Just floating. Tres bizare. I had a terrible fever that night, I got very ill, he had to drive my car back to Tempe. I've been having delerious dreams ever since. Regardless of a person sleeping next to me.

There was something so dauting in the beginning of our relationship. Something that frightened me so much, I felt like he was the wolfe and I was little red riding hood, that he would swallow me alive. God knows he tried. Back then when he loved me and I wanted nothing to do with him...at least not as a lover.
Our relationship would only be plutonic. I was mortified about waking up next to someone who had more freckles than I did.

I wish that someone had been able to tell me that that man would become one of the great loves of my life. I learned so much from him. I saw in color. I read, and tasted, and breathed, and thought and slept differently with him. Because of him. My kindred spirit. The only person who has ever made me feel young, I adored you so.

I can't stop writing lately. Seeing him was just what I needed. I needed to write again, I needed to have a fire lit under me again. I grew so comfortable with medocrity. I needed to have restless legs. And here they are. And here I am. Unsure of what to do, but about to take another leap.

Buy a home? Rent the home? Live in the home? Go to school in Toronto? Go back to LA? Go to school in LA? Finish the book? Meet with publishers? Start painting? Go to New York? Hatch another business plan? Do something besides rot in suburbia? Yes, please.

The most probable right now would be to go to New York for a bit. I need to clear my head of this place for a couple of months. I wonder if it is only a coninsidence that everytime he comes around I have to leave for a bit to bear this town agian. Odd. It's funny how people can do that to you. Just a person, he isn't god. He is flesh and blood, and freckle. Ha. We didn't kiss, he alluded to the fact that he'd like to but we were both too proud to make the first move. Or too supervised. Or sick. Or maybe it's just that I don't go back, and he doesn't go back and that chapter of our lives is over. My daring little prisoner, it was so brief, and so charised. I needed that closure.

Change is afront.

For the first time in my life I truly understand the value of not being bound to anyone or anything. I have really seen first hand, last year especially, the way that my closest friends have had dibs called upon them. I know how childish that sounds, but that's the best way to describe it. Children, boyfriends, fiances, girlfriends, all factors that bind you to something. I am bound only to myself, and even that is negotiable. And Mr. Tigs, but that's a given. Tigs may be my baby, but he is a 14 year old cat, the jig can't go on for another 14 years...although I wouldn't mind it one bit if it did.

I am delerious with fever, I can't sleep. I've been up for over twenty four hours, I get like this around this time of year. It started late this time. I was a wreck in November last year, and probably earlier in 04 or 05. The dreams have been nice, though, a nice change. I ususally don't dream. But, when I do dream, they are either premenitions or almost psychic in nature- or vividly real. Too bizare to actually be real, or to come to furition (ps fruition is probably my favorite word right now) I started dreaming about Sterling quite frequently, and suddenly after six months of practically no contact there he is, parading back into my life. I dreamed about the way he smelled, which is so odd. It's so strange how vivid, and accurate dreams can be. Then I had the strange dream about art the night I got really sick, in the hotel room. A couple of days after that I dreamed that my high school was recalling my classes diplomas. I graduated a year early, but they were taking away the actual years diplomas. I had been inaccuratly filed, so I was in the 05's pile...and they made me go back to high school. After being in college for almost three years. It was so strange. High school was the same, by the way, just flooded with more hipsters, and instead of people showing off their cars they showed off engagement rings, and sonogram pictures. Typical. Everyone, afterall, is getting married or having babies.

Then, I dreamed about Disneyland. I am semi obsessed with Disneyland. I've been planning a trip for years, literally three or four years, it just hasn't happened yet. Disneyland is such an undertaking! I believe in doing Disneyland propperly, and this is why it's taken so long, everytime I have the money I don't have the time, or when I have the time (you get the picture)...so I go to Disneyland. And I know that I am with friends, but I can't remember exactly who was with me. Also, it seems like I've relocated to the LA area by this point. So, we're at Disneyland, and I go to get something from one of the giftshops, and Clark Gable of all people is there, dressed as he was when he played Rhet Buttler in Gone With The Wind- and I decide that everything at Disneyland is too expensive, or, the line is too long, or I am just unscrupulous, and I decide to steal my memento's from the gift shop. First of all, I am not a theif by nature, I don't steal, it's just not my style, if you do, fine, but, I'd probably breakout in hives if I ever did. Secondly, Disneyland to me is filled with lots of very happy childhood memories, it's kind of something that's sacred, that I couldn't tresspass against in a conscience state, so I did so in an unconscience state. So, I am stealing this little mermaid figurine, and something else..equally as mind numbing. I get caught. Which is terrifying, and they take me in their backroom, and are questioning me, all the while Clark Gable is looking upon me with great shame. And in my dream, I felt quite shameful too, and I offer to pay for the items, and beg them not to report me, that I'm a sick woman, that I need help. Anyway, they do report me, but not to the police, to the store manager, and I am asked to leave Disneyland and never return. It was heartbreaking, so I leave Disneyland, with my tail between my legs. And I roast for a couple of days, I really soak it in, until I'm rything with anger, and like most crooks I must return to the scene of the crime. So, I go back to Disneyland, this time, by myself, just to see if they'll let me in. Well, of course they do! It's a huge theme park, they'd have no way of making sure that I never returned. And I go back to the gift shop, and walk around, this time no C.G. and no theivery, although I do have the Little Mermaid trincket in my bag, because they only caught me stealing the other thing. Then I walk out of the store, and it's getting dark, and I can't decide if I should ride on rides or head baack to the city. I end up in the really obscure part of Disneyland, with the petting zoo and the fairy tale area, and I meet this girl and she has her dog with her and we become friends, and she asks me to go on some rides, and I think I decided to go on the rides, but then I woke up. I can't believe the sense of panic I felt about being alone at Disneyland, it made me so uneasy to think that I'd have to go on rides by myself, and I couldn't decide which ones to go on because I'd be too scared to go on the ones I loved alone. Indanna Jones has the snake, and the boulder, Pirates of the Carribean has the terrifying drop, I said terrifying it's fucking scary. I'm a big baby, I know. Matterhorn has the twists and turns and the yetti, Space Mountain is dark and it makes you feel like your head will be cut off at any moment, the star wars ride is just too weird to be on alone, teacups will make you vomit and no one wants to ride with the lonely girl who pukes on teacups, Splash Mountain is SO SCARY I won't even go on it with people let alone by myself, that drop makes me want to die, I will never go on it again. Ever. Haunted Mansion I could do alone, but, it would be weird. But, I do really love that ride. I didn't even think about it in my dreams. All I could think about was the scary ride, or having my head blownoff by one of the cannons on the Tom Sawyer ship, or worse yet, the death trap that is Thunder Mountain Railroad. God I love that ride, totally don't want to go on it by myself though. I'm totally Disneyland codependant. But, then again, who goes to Disneyland by themselves? Not me.

Well, it's seven in the morning, I've been writing this since the Family Stone was halfway through, and it's been over for a while now, and I really have nothing left to say.

None of this made any sense to anyone but me, and I'm pretty much okay with that. I'm not even going to spell check it, I'm too lazy to care right now. I know, I never thought I'd see the day when I didn't care about grammar or spelling. That day has come, so the appocolypse(sp) must be near,

Also, the guy who does the Kelly Likes Shoes skit is amazing, he does lots of other really fantastic stuff too, that I suggest you check out. His names Liam he's on my myspace page. Http://www.myspace.com/kellylikeshoes go there and good times will be had by all.

I'm off to wash my face. My eyes got really itchy, probably from lack of sleep. Whatever.

<3