9/8/2005
Sighhere is an update.
I feel irritated for no apparent reason. I cant blame it on PMS cuz thats over with now, so maybe I am just a bitch. Ive had a horrible headache all freaking day, so that could be the reason why I feel like throwing shit against walls.
Or maybe its because my to do list that Ive made to try to get my life organized is overwhelming me. And I made the stupid list so I could do one thing at a time so I WOULDNT feel overwhelmed. Nice.
I am tired. Like, fatigued tired. I have a haircut appointment tomorrow morning for the first time in about a year and a half. I am nervous because it costs way more than I have to spend (especially on myself) and I keep thinking, What if she doesnt do it right?. I love feeling brand new after a haircut, and I REALLY need that feeling right now. I am putting a lot of expectation on this haircut experience. And the girl is going to ask me whats new in my life and I dont feel like I can answer her. I dont want to smile and make small talk. Hopefully I will get her talking about how wonderful her life is and she will forget all about mine.
Today, I told a friend of mine that I want to move to Oregon by March 2007. Ive known her 27 years (since we were kids) and she is always going on about how we are best friends and are going to grow old together. I was really hurt by her reaction to my news. There was no kidding about how I cant move and leave her behind. There wasnt even an I will miss you. The most I got was her saying she would help me pack. That sounds nice in theory, but in context, I feel totally uncared about now. I didnt tell her to get a reaction, but jeez. I told her because I thought she would honestly need two years to process me leaving. I feel like a fool now. I already have a thing about not feeling like I matter to anyone, and this is just reinforcing my insecurities.
Oh well. Maybe I dont matter. Its not like I have any real friends my definition of what a friend is, anyway. I shouldnt be surprised. Anyway, waa waa, boo hoo. I wont go on about it. Fuck it.
I am going to take some freaking meds for my headache and try to get to sleep.
Later.
---------------------------
9/9/2005
Life is funny. I feel so weak, but I must be strong because I keep on going. It feels like one thing after another these days. Plus, I get the guilt of feeling shitty about my life when the aftermath of Katrina is going on. I should feel lucky. I should be grateful. I try to be. I try to list off all of the things in my head that I have a roof over my head, a little money in the bank, a boyfriend that loves me, animal babies that I love dearly, clean water to drink, a warm blanket to cover myself with, etc.
Everything is relative, because I still feel like I am falling apart. Or, I feel like I am being torn apart. Something like that.
I have had a headache for 2 days now. It keeps threatening to become a migraine. I am trying to stay as mellow as I can so that wont happen.
I had a mini-breakdown this morning. I was terrified that I was going to go into a full-out anxiety attack. I was going to drive Brian to work so I could have the car to go to my haircut. We go out there at 6:50am, with me in my pjs and sporting the bed-hair, and the car is gone. Just gone. I felt like my chest was gonna explode.
Bottom line it turns out that the car was not stolen (thank the f-ing stars!). Brian accidentally parked two spaces over from our assigned spot and our car was towed.
Side note: Yes, at first I was pissed, but the spot numbers are hard to see. Every single time I park, I have to actually read the damn number above the space to make sure I am parking in the right one. So, it was an easy mistake to make. I felt extremely guilty about feeling angry at Brian because I KNOW he beats himself up in a huge way for anything he thinks hes done wrong (most of the time he hasnt done anything wrong). Do I wish he wouldve double-checked? Yes. But not everyone can be a control freak like I am.
So, after I dry-heaved and cried and then got myself back under control, we dealt with it. Brian called in late to work. We called the tow yard and then took a taxi to get there. The taxi driver made me pray for the first time in a while. He drove like a maniac. Its almost amusing looking back on it now.
The tow yard guy almost made me smash his face in. He was so rude to us that I was actually in shock. The only thing that kept me from losing it was that he had a really adorable office dog that kept running around with a blue toy ball with legs. Normally, I wouldve been all over that cuteness with kisses and hugs, but I felt if I let any emotion out at that point, I was going to explode and be put in the rubber room. So the tow guy had to pull some other car away with some sort of forklift thingy so I could get my car out. I asked Brian to drive, and then we went to Dennys. I was so hungry at this point that I felt like I was going to pass out.
Dennys was surreal, and I ended up crying again among the loud kids and 80s music. Super fun.
By the time we got home, I was so out of it, I crashed for 3 hours. Brian went to work (bless his heart I have no idea how he managed it, but I sure appreciate it!).
Since I woke up, all Ive wanted to do was go back to sleep. My eyes and head are killing me. I am starving again and we dont have much in the house. Brian is being sweet enough to bring home dinner, and we are both pretending that we can afford it.
I need to get my ass back on the phones with the perverts and make some money or we are going to be homeless soon. Where I am going to find the energy to entertain is a mystery, but I will dig deep and do it anyway.
Im so tired.
Sighhere is an update.
I feel irritated for no apparent reason. I cant blame it on PMS cuz thats over with now, so maybe I am just a bitch. Ive had a horrible headache all freaking day, so that could be the reason why I feel like throwing shit against walls.
Or maybe its because my to do list that Ive made to try to get my life organized is overwhelming me. And I made the stupid list so I could do one thing at a time so I WOULDNT feel overwhelmed. Nice.
I am tired. Like, fatigued tired. I have a haircut appointment tomorrow morning for the first time in about a year and a half. I am nervous because it costs way more than I have to spend (especially on myself) and I keep thinking, What if she doesnt do it right?. I love feeling brand new after a haircut, and I REALLY need that feeling right now. I am putting a lot of expectation on this haircut experience. And the girl is going to ask me whats new in my life and I dont feel like I can answer her. I dont want to smile and make small talk. Hopefully I will get her talking about how wonderful her life is and she will forget all about mine.
Today, I told a friend of mine that I want to move to Oregon by March 2007. Ive known her 27 years (since we were kids) and she is always going on about how we are best friends and are going to grow old together. I was really hurt by her reaction to my news. There was no kidding about how I cant move and leave her behind. There wasnt even an I will miss you. The most I got was her saying she would help me pack. That sounds nice in theory, but in context, I feel totally uncared about now. I didnt tell her to get a reaction, but jeez. I told her because I thought she would honestly need two years to process me leaving. I feel like a fool now. I already have a thing about not feeling like I matter to anyone, and this is just reinforcing my insecurities.
Oh well. Maybe I dont matter. Its not like I have any real friends my definition of what a friend is, anyway. I shouldnt be surprised. Anyway, waa waa, boo hoo. I wont go on about it. Fuck it.
I am going to take some freaking meds for my headache and try to get to sleep.
Later.
---------------------------
9/9/2005
Life is funny. I feel so weak, but I must be strong because I keep on going. It feels like one thing after another these days. Plus, I get the guilt of feeling shitty about my life when the aftermath of Katrina is going on. I should feel lucky. I should be grateful. I try to be. I try to list off all of the things in my head that I have a roof over my head, a little money in the bank, a boyfriend that loves me, animal babies that I love dearly, clean water to drink, a warm blanket to cover myself with, etc.
Everything is relative, because I still feel like I am falling apart. Or, I feel like I am being torn apart. Something like that.
I have had a headache for 2 days now. It keeps threatening to become a migraine. I am trying to stay as mellow as I can so that wont happen.
I had a mini-breakdown this morning. I was terrified that I was going to go into a full-out anxiety attack. I was going to drive Brian to work so I could have the car to go to my haircut. We go out there at 6:50am, with me in my pjs and sporting the bed-hair, and the car is gone. Just gone. I felt like my chest was gonna explode.
Bottom line it turns out that the car was not stolen (thank the f-ing stars!). Brian accidentally parked two spaces over from our assigned spot and our car was towed.
Side note: Yes, at first I was pissed, but the spot numbers are hard to see. Every single time I park, I have to actually read the damn number above the space to make sure I am parking in the right one. So, it was an easy mistake to make. I felt extremely guilty about feeling angry at Brian because I KNOW he beats himself up in a huge way for anything he thinks hes done wrong (most of the time he hasnt done anything wrong). Do I wish he wouldve double-checked? Yes. But not everyone can be a control freak like I am.
So, after I dry-heaved and cried and then got myself back under control, we dealt with it. Brian called in late to work. We called the tow yard and then took a taxi to get there. The taxi driver made me pray for the first time in a while. He drove like a maniac. Its almost amusing looking back on it now.
The tow yard guy almost made me smash his face in. He was so rude to us that I was actually in shock. The only thing that kept me from losing it was that he had a really adorable office dog that kept running around with a blue toy ball with legs. Normally, I wouldve been all over that cuteness with kisses and hugs, but I felt if I let any emotion out at that point, I was going to explode and be put in the rubber room. So the tow guy had to pull some other car away with some sort of forklift thingy so I could get my car out. I asked Brian to drive, and then we went to Dennys. I was so hungry at this point that I felt like I was going to pass out.
Dennys was surreal, and I ended up crying again among the loud kids and 80s music. Super fun.
By the time we got home, I was so out of it, I crashed for 3 hours. Brian went to work (bless his heart I have no idea how he managed it, but I sure appreciate it!).
Since I woke up, all Ive wanted to do was go back to sleep. My eyes and head are killing me. I am starving again and we dont have much in the house. Brian is being sweet enough to bring home dinner, and we are both pretending that we can afford it.
I need to get my ass back on the phones with the perverts and make some money or we are going to be homeless soon. Where I am going to find the energy to entertain is a mystery, but I will dig deep and do it anyway.
Im so tired.
I hope work goes well.