I am feeling like shit still...physically and emotionally. I have this killer cold that just won't go away. I"m all sniffly and sneezy and my head is killing me. My nose won't stop running and i've been swallowing snot all day. Sounds yummy huh?
SPOILERS! (Click to view)I just don't know what to do. I know that I say that alot but if the fucking truth. I'm sick and tired of feeling this way. I can have a day where i'm feeling alright, if not fine and then bam, it hits me like a bus. I don't feel good about myself. My "fat" days have been more frequent, my crying is out of control, along with my feeling that no one will or ever could love me. I'm too much of a basket case. i'm too crazy and have to much going on. But I hate that feeling of lonelyness, and despair. That feeling that i'm going to wake up alone and crying for the next huge chunk of my life, if not for the rest of it.
So many thing went wrong. But I cannot change the past and therefor I am forced to face the future, a future that is alone. I don't even have any friends. All my best friends are in other states and happy with their boyfriends. But i'm stuck here. I love TIffany, but I need other people in my life. And I just don't know how to get them. I want to stop crying, and I just want to be better, but I don't know how to do that. I need to make changes, I have to move on whether I want to or not, but I don't know how.
I am being torn up by this whether anyone knows it or not. I am sad. Thats how I sum it up. Sad. But of course thats not the only feeling I have. I'm hurt, i'm angry i'm depressed, i'm suicidal, i'm empty, yet feeling so much and so little all at the same time. I wish I was really able to describe it to you, but I can't even put it into fucking words,. I just feel it, but I hate what I feel.
I'm tired of having to try and put on a face. I want to be able to scream from the mountain tops that I hate my body, that i'm lonely, that i'm hurt, that i'm sad, that I want to die, and that I want to run into the bathroom, and slash some part of my body so that I can see the release of blood, to make me feel somewhat better.
I WANT TO BE OK how do I do that???????
On another note, didn't do much today. Went and saw my grandma and hung out with my family on saturday. Back to work tommorow, and this is my last week of class. So two more classes and then my final. Suppose I should start studying eh? My next paycheck is going to suck ass, so now that the holiday weekend is gone, and i've blown money on myself, and still have all my christmas presents to buy, i'm in a shithole. But who knows, i'm sure i'll figure something out. I still have a birthday present to finish up as well though. We'll see how that goes.
