On this, a dark and cloudy night the girl who was the first one that I was ever with and who allowed my body to join with hers despite all of my diseases allowed me to come over to check on her like I wished shed allowed me to do on so many earlier occasions. I went to try and save her and perhaps save myself by figuratively nailing myself to the cross like I longed for her to do for me.
I touched her soft skin and it felt hot and sick from her mental and physical illnesses and I felt like I was touching a broken piece of meat that was left on the counter to defrost over night. So when she said, You can go if you want I went.
I drove home at first fast to get out of there and then slowed down because I knew that I had something to return to. So now my dear, I am speaking to you and you know who you are. In you I can see a bright future instead of a mournful and sad past like the one I had with the girl I saw tonight where I clung to whoever would let me. With you I have the physical connection that I had with that girl but also the emotional connection that I desperately wanted and knew I would one day find. I know that whatever happens is probably meant to be, just like this dark and cloudy night where I tried to once again be a savior. I can only give what a person is willing to give back. With you its a two-sided relationship and thats the way things should be. I am not here to save others and heal them. I cannot be more than I am. On a night like this I feel like I am better than I have ever been and will continue to grow and you my dear seem to fit into the equation. Even if you dont, you have showed me that I can find someone able to take my shit and willing to give and take as much as I do. Now I feel good and optimistic about the future but as we discussed, the future is uncertain and we will both relax and see where this takes us
Enough of this worthless bullshit. Why dont I just stop writing already I ask myself. Because I cant is the response and because I cant sit still as my legs shake and twitch and my body grows cold and hard. Enough of all of this. Just stop the shaking and writing and stop this worthless insomnia. Go eat and sleep and call it a nightThat is what I will do.
I touched her soft skin and it felt hot and sick from her mental and physical illnesses and I felt like I was touching a broken piece of meat that was left on the counter to defrost over night. So when she said, You can go if you want I went.
I drove home at first fast to get out of there and then slowed down because I knew that I had something to return to. So now my dear, I am speaking to you and you know who you are. In you I can see a bright future instead of a mournful and sad past like the one I had with the girl I saw tonight where I clung to whoever would let me. With you I have the physical connection that I had with that girl but also the emotional connection that I desperately wanted and knew I would one day find. I know that whatever happens is probably meant to be, just like this dark and cloudy night where I tried to once again be a savior. I can only give what a person is willing to give back. With you its a two-sided relationship and thats the way things should be. I am not here to save others and heal them. I cannot be more than I am. On a night like this I feel like I am better than I have ever been and will continue to grow and you my dear seem to fit into the equation. Even if you dont, you have showed me that I can find someone able to take my shit and willing to give and take as much as I do. Now I feel good and optimistic about the future but as we discussed, the future is uncertain and we will both relax and see where this takes us
Enough of this worthless bullshit. Why dont I just stop writing already I ask myself. Because I cant is the response and because I cant sit still as my legs shake and twitch and my body grows cold and hard. Enough of all of this. Just stop the shaking and writing and stop this worthless insomnia. Go eat and sleep and call it a nightThat is what I will do.
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Your advice is much appreciated by the way. I need more people telling me to just say "fuck it" since thats what i want to do anyways.
-Blush