jewl

today was one of the hardest days of my life. I danced all day, and everything came out. I cried, i broke down, and i left my heart out on that floor... I came home around 430 and at a quarter to 5 my mom got a call from my uncle Kevin. She hung up with him and i said "im going with you". I knew they were going to see my aunt sue and cousins Brian and Melissa. So, my uncle said he still needed to get out of work and grab a bite to eat, so i decided i needed a well needed nap, because i spent the whole night barfing and crying, and not sleeping at all. So before I know it, my moms waking me up, so i shove a sub down my throat, and start to do my makeup, in walks my uncle. we were talking, and i was venting about how incredibly pissed i was at Paul, and i dk... so, we leave, my mother's driving and it was just a mess, my uncle was sharing experiences and memories he had with Paul, about Paul getting him through a depression where he almost lost his life.... and just everything. We finally get there.... and melissa opens the door. my uncle hugged her, and my aunt came up so i went to her. i couldnt help but loose it. so, Brian walks in, hes got a smile on his face, and hes normal. almost completely. i hug him and im balling... the entire time, he says "Its ok, its ok its ok its ok, we'll get through this, its okayy, i love you, he loved you." Hes so strong. The whole night was really nice. we sat around and just enjoyed each other.. we stuck together, and comforted each other when it came back iinto our minds, and we just made sure each other were okay. We eventually found ourselves standing in a circle talking about the hillarious times that he brought to us, and just the good things, and with good, comes bad... no one at all, saw it coming.... his parents are psychiatrists and they didnt see it, nor did they put pieces together to see signs after the fact. But in thinking, I came to the conclusion that kind of made it alot less painful. Paul was a selfish man his entire llife, but the recent times, he was unnaturally kind and caring... with everyone and everything. he spoke about the weeks to follow, plans he was making, and everything... I think he just came to terms, and understood... maybe to make the best out of the last few days he had left or whatever. I got to share what he gave me on christmas, the only family member who sat there and actually watched both nights of my dance, told me how beautiful i was and what a good dancer I was, how amazing i was and that i was going somewhere. Everyone was crying, but everyone knew it meant the entire world to me.

I didnt want to leave my cousins's side. I saw the pain they were in, but i saw their smiles, and their thankfullness for their family. Brian is a trooper, hes really taking the role of being the man. Hes comforting everyone and hes admitting that hes going to need an UNIMAGINABLE amount of therapy. Melissa admitted how angry she was when she first found out, but she put the anger in the back of her mind and said all she really wants to know is why. And what breaks my heart is, she'll never know. No one will... Yeah it couldve been his job, but it couldve been anything. i dont know.

Im just so thankful for everyone and the life i have. I appreciate every breath, every ounce of energy i use, because i have that, i am lucky enough, to have that, and be with the people I love.


Im going to be turning this experience into a side piece. I want to get "nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." hopefully i can put something beautiful around it and it can be a part of me. It'll push me to never let myself get the best of me, and the importance of others, that i'll always have tomorrow, that anything can be solved with time.... i wish Paul knew this.



I doubt im going to be sleeping all too much today, but i should try i suppose. definetly not going to class tomorrow.. too much to think about.
Jewl