Abstinence-education website getthetruth.net has posted a list of 99 things you can do with your special someone instead of having sex. My comments are happy-faced.
Here's 99 things to do for/with your special someone:
Make a special tape of love songs.
Make a crazy movie with dancing and singing.
Like the ones you pay $20 to make when you're at third-rate amusement parks? Do you think I could sing "The Rhythm is Gonna Get You" while dancing around like Gloria Estefan? I could? Do you think that the Miami Sound Machine is really a substitute for sex?
Go to the zoo and try to imitate all the animals.
Whoever starts will look like such an asshole as to ensure his or her virginity for a long time thereafter.
Go clam digging.
Have a barbeque on a beach.
Build a dog house or a bird house and paint it together.
You're right! I did this in the Girl Scouts when I was seven, and I didn't have sex with any of my troop-mates! You've got it all figured out!
Rent a bike built for two and ride for the day.
You know, I think a lot of people have sex because they're too lazy to get up and go to the movies, much less "Rent a bike built for two and ride for the day."
Buy a watermelon and have a seed spitting contest.
Take the dog for a walk.
That sounds kind of nice, actually.
Go to the library.
...do a card-catalogue search for "Marquis de Sade," and let the Christianity rush over you!
Share dreams with each other.
Play a game of frisbee.
Go to an art gallery together.
Do homework together.
Trust one another.
...and then have sex? Come on, "trust one another" isn't an activity! You can't put "trust" in your day planner!
Send candy.
Eat by candlelight.
Meet each others family.
Abstinence educators have atrocious grammar.
Send flowers.
Take a drive together.
Do things for the other without being asked.
Give a special gift.
Write "I love you".
...on her tits! In coke!
Go for a long bike ride.
Walk arm in arm in the woods/park.
Watch the sunset.
Throw a party together.
Go to a political rally together.
For what party, dare I ask? Maybe you could picket an abortion clinic! Maybe your fingers could accidentally touch ... on the handle of a bloody-fetus placard! That's romance.
Sing a special song to your loved one.
Sit in the park.
Talk openly about your feelings.
"I feel very close to Jesus." Hott!
Take a bus ride going nowhere in particular.
In most cities in America, this is a rather poor suggestion. I mean, I suppose if you get gang-raped in a bad part of town, you're still a virgin AT HEART.
Go shopping for clothes.
Teenage boys LOVE this one.
Be there when a loved one hurts.
Pick a song as your favorite song as a couple.
Listen to hurts.
What? It really says this.
Hug.
...ABOVE the waist, people! Hugging is ABOVE the waist!
Bake a cake together.
Hold Hands.
Browse in a museum.
Exercise together.
Gaze into each others eyes.
Apparently apostrophes lead to premarital coupling.
Wash a car together.
Go swimming.
Have a picnic.
Compliment each other.
"Thy neck is like the tower of David builded for an armoury, whereon there hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men. Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins."
"It always gets me hot when you quote the Song of Solomon."
Go hiking together.
Go to a sports event together.
Write a poem to each other.
Rent a video.
Play music together.
Go dancing.
Give each other pet names.
Talk on the telephone.
Go siteseeing.
Hide a love note.
Make a big cookie.
Go grocery shopping together.
Cook a meal together.
Use eye contact to share a secret.
Because this NEVER leads to sex. Hey, maybe you could use your tongue and the mouth of your beer bottle to "share a secret."
Write each other letters/ e-mail.
Go fishing.
Go for a moonlight walk.
Make sacrifices for each other.
Laugh at something funny.
As opposed to laughing at something that totally sucks?
Call the person just to say "I love you".
Be caring.
Cook their favorite food.
Meet each others friends and really like them.
I order you to like them! I demand it!
Dedicate a song to the other on the radio.
Put a secret message in the local paper for the other.
Go skating.
Have your picture taken together.
Share private jokes.
Share an ice cream cone.
Be faithful.
Pretty easy, since you're not even having sex with each other. But you'd better not take another boy to the zoo to imitate the animals, you whore!
Read a book together and discuss.
Plan a secret surprise road trip for the other person.
Do a work project together.
Listen to joys.
Go horseback riding.
Share one soda with two straws.
Play 'footsie'.
Um...
Plan a surprise date and picnic breakfast.
Send a funny card.
Share lifelong goals.
Go to a place of worship together.
Make each other a gift.
Find out what's special for the other and do it.
Say "I love you" in sign language.
I think I learned how to do that on Sesame Street. Can't you people just fuck already? You're making me sick.
Send a postcard.
Babysit together.
Hrm, this one might actually be effective, provided the baby shrieks and spits up enough to make itself unappealing.
Play a video game together .
Go to a different cultural event/restaurant together.
Spend time just being quiet together.
Learn to say "I love you" in 3 different languages.
Including or not including sign language?
Go sailing together.
Make bread together.
Work on car together.
Pray together.
Let the other person see your diary.
Dear Diary, will Jesus let me get off already? Jesus fucking Christ. I'm sorry, Jesus.
Propose marriage.
And for all the right reasons!
And finally, our wildest suggestion yet:
Drive around...at each intersection/stop sign...flip a coin, turn left if it's heads and right if it's tails. If the coin goes under the seat go straight. Do for one hour and then go buy an ice cream.
Wow, that IS wild! Um, I've done wilder things with your mom. On Christmas. And do you know how lost a couple or horny teenagers could get driving like this for an entire hour? And, since you have no idea where you're going, how do you know you're going to end up near an ice cream parlor? You know what this sounds like to me? A great thing to tell your parents you were doing to cover up the fact that you were actually having sex. Well, mom, first we did the coin-driving thing for exactly sixty minutes, and then we drove around looking for ice cream, and once we had the ice cream, we spent two hours finding our way back, and that's why my hair is so disheveled and I smell like Astroglide. What did I say? Oh, nothing. I meant 'The Astroglide of our Lord.'
Here's 99 things to do for/with your special someone:
Make a special tape of love songs.
Make a crazy movie with dancing and singing.
Like the ones you pay $20 to make when you're at third-rate amusement parks? Do you think I could sing "The Rhythm is Gonna Get You" while dancing around like Gloria Estefan? I could? Do you think that the Miami Sound Machine is really a substitute for sex?
Go to the zoo and try to imitate all the animals.
Whoever starts will look like such an asshole as to ensure his or her virginity for a long time thereafter.
Go clam digging.
Have a barbeque on a beach.
Build a dog house or a bird house and paint it together.
You're right! I did this in the Girl Scouts when I was seven, and I didn't have sex with any of my troop-mates! You've got it all figured out!
Rent a bike built for two and ride for the day.
You know, I think a lot of people have sex because they're too lazy to get up and go to the movies, much less "Rent a bike built for two and ride for the day."
Buy a watermelon and have a seed spitting contest.
Take the dog for a walk.
That sounds kind of nice, actually.
Go to the library.
...do a card-catalogue search for "Marquis de Sade," and let the Christianity rush over you!
Share dreams with each other.
Play a game of frisbee.
Go to an art gallery together.
Do homework together.
Trust one another.
...and then have sex? Come on, "trust one another" isn't an activity! You can't put "trust" in your day planner!
Send candy.
Eat by candlelight.
Meet each others family.
Abstinence educators have atrocious grammar.
Send flowers.
Take a drive together.
Do things for the other without being asked.
Give a special gift.
Write "I love you".
...on her tits! In coke!
Go for a long bike ride.
Walk arm in arm in the woods/park.
Watch the sunset.
Throw a party together.
Go to a political rally together.
For what party, dare I ask? Maybe you could picket an abortion clinic! Maybe your fingers could accidentally touch ... on the handle of a bloody-fetus placard! That's romance.
Sing a special song to your loved one.
Sit in the park.
Talk openly about your feelings.
"I feel very close to Jesus." Hott!
Take a bus ride going nowhere in particular.
In most cities in America, this is a rather poor suggestion. I mean, I suppose if you get gang-raped in a bad part of town, you're still a virgin AT HEART.
Go shopping for clothes.
Teenage boys LOVE this one.
Be there when a loved one hurts.
Pick a song as your favorite song as a couple.
Listen to hurts.
What? It really says this.
Hug.
...ABOVE the waist, people! Hugging is ABOVE the waist!
Bake a cake together.
Hold Hands.
Browse in a museum.
Exercise together.
Gaze into each others eyes.
Apparently apostrophes lead to premarital coupling.
Wash a car together.
Go swimming.
Have a picnic.
Compliment each other.
"Thy neck is like the tower of David builded for an armoury, whereon there hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men. Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins."
"It always gets me hot when you quote the Song of Solomon."
Go hiking together.
Go to a sports event together.
Write a poem to each other.
Rent a video.
Play music together.
Go dancing.
Give each other pet names.
Talk on the telephone.
Go siteseeing.
Hide a love note.
Make a big cookie.
Go grocery shopping together.
Cook a meal together.
Use eye contact to share a secret.
Because this NEVER leads to sex. Hey, maybe you could use your tongue and the mouth of your beer bottle to "share a secret."
Write each other letters/ e-mail.
Go fishing.
Go for a moonlight walk.
Make sacrifices for each other.
Laugh at something funny.
As opposed to laughing at something that totally sucks?
Call the person just to say "I love you".
Be caring.
Cook their favorite food.
Meet each others friends and really like them.
I order you to like them! I demand it!
Dedicate a song to the other on the radio.
Put a secret message in the local paper for the other.
Go skating.
Have your picture taken together.
Share private jokes.
Share an ice cream cone.
Be faithful.
Pretty easy, since you're not even having sex with each other. But you'd better not take another boy to the zoo to imitate the animals, you whore!
Read a book together and discuss.
Plan a secret surprise road trip for the other person.
Do a work project together.
Listen to joys.
Go horseback riding.
Share one soda with two straws.
Play 'footsie'.
Um...
Plan a surprise date and picnic breakfast.
Send a funny card.
Share lifelong goals.
Go to a place of worship together.
Make each other a gift.
Find out what's special for the other and do it.
Say "I love you" in sign language.
I think I learned how to do that on Sesame Street. Can't you people just fuck already? You're making me sick.
Send a postcard.
Babysit together.
Hrm, this one might actually be effective, provided the baby shrieks and spits up enough to make itself unappealing.
Play a video game together .
Go to a different cultural event/restaurant together.
Spend time just being quiet together.
Learn to say "I love you" in 3 different languages.
Including or not including sign language?
Go sailing together.
Make bread together.
Work on car together.
Pray together.
Let the other person see your diary.
Dear Diary, will Jesus let me get off already? Jesus fucking Christ. I'm sorry, Jesus.
Propose marriage.
And for all the right reasons!
And finally, our wildest suggestion yet:
Drive around...at each intersection/stop sign...flip a coin, turn left if it's heads and right if it's tails. If the coin goes under the seat go straight. Do for one hour and then go buy an ice cream.
Wow, that IS wild! Um, I've done wilder things with your mom. On Christmas. And do you know how lost a couple or horny teenagers could get driving like this for an entire hour? And, since you have no idea where you're going, how do you know you're going to end up near an ice cream parlor? You know what this sounds like to me? A great thing to tell your parents you were doing to cover up the fact that you were actually having sex. Well, mom, first we did the coin-driving thing for exactly sixty minutes, and then we drove around looking for ice cream, and once we had the ice cream, we spent two hours finding our way back, and that's why my hair is so disheveled and I smell like Astroglide. What did I say? Oh, nothing. I meant 'The Astroglide of our Lord.'
Y~!
But I might do the watermelon seed-spitting contest as foreplay. That's the move, right there.