jaytan

My lack of updating comes less from not knowing where to begin (Id love nothing more than the time and attention span to massage all my recent drama out on a page), but more from a lack of chance to process the past few weeks of inner and outer turmoil into a concise and well-analyzed, communicable essay. So instead, Im going to babble. A lot.

My life is going through incredible change right now. This dream job of mine only gets busier and busier, and for the next several months, there is no end in sight. But because I love what I do and am encouraged for my efforts, Im driven to work harder. Remember Michael Douglas in THE GAME (capping a film or TV show is industry standard and a force of habit)? Thats what Im on track for. Remember Michael Douglas in WALL STREET? Thats how hard I work now. Okay, maybe not that bad, but it feels it. Of course, people always tell you to stop and enjoy life, and I subscribe to that philosophy, but the reason you stop and enjoy life is because you work so hard to begin with. So heres me getting to that point, and enjoying getting there.

Im seeing someone new. Shes a longtime friend, and one whom Im very comfortable with and whom I love on a platonic level very much. Oh dont get me wrong, she turns heads too, but Im keeping myself from just presuming that a good physical relationship and a good friendship = romantic love. On paper, maybe it might, but in the end, I know it doesnt, and the fact is that while the physical is there, I think we have yet to get to that romantic trust. But there seems to be some open lines of communication, so Im rather optimistic. And I hate to say it, but coming out of a relationship where I starved for romance AND communication, well I reference Eddie Murphy in saying this is the best muhfuckin cracker I ever ate!! What is this, Ritz cracker?? This aint no muhfukin ordinary Ritz cracker. . .

As for the ex- ("oh for fuckssake, dude, will you quit harping on this?!?" . . no, I wont), strike three in my hope for a post-breakup friendship is about to occur. She is going to ignore my third request that she not bring her new guy to an event hosted by friends of ours in common (whom I introduced to her in the first place). Its symbolic on many levels, as its the restart of one friends theater career and the last night of another friend who is leaving the country for at least a year. We were both very close with these people and I was hoping the four of us could enjoy the night like the old days, one last time, even platonically. Shes not amenable to the idea. Which I think is sad and selfish. This will be the third time since an especially painful incident (which largely kicked off this cold war between us) that shes resorted to considering only herself. So Im particularly hurt and disappointed by her actions. I said what I had to during an argument on Easter Sunday. Now all I can do is mourn and move on. But there is definitely no chance of me ever lifting another finger to foster any friendship. Scissors, she's cut off.

Even tonight, I wanted to call my old friend and tell her of an adventure I had this evening. But of course I couldnt, and didnt. Yes, I reached out to my new girl, but right now, its just not the same thing. Perhaps later it will be.

And that adventure, by the way? I was backup for a friend in a very uncomfortable (but trust me, very familiar) confrontation that involved someone else sleeping with this friends recent ex-. I know, granted, technically the couple were split up, but there were still very clearly emotions involved, and someone else preyed on them. Amidst alcohol, bad judgement, and God knows what else. Two people made a very bad mistake, and I had to be there for the guy it hurt most. And I know that pain. Which, I found it interesting, was probably the reason I was so ready to scrap and deliver a beatdown.

Folks, Im not a violent guy I dont think Ive ever been in a real fight in my life, and I wasnt raised to think that fighting is okay (although nowadays, if you add a few rules, a ring or octagon cage, that's diff'rnt), but for what went down, and the lack of respect shown my friend, yes, I was ready to get bloody. It didnt come to that, thankfully, but it did catch my notice how one can throw all rational restraint out the window when so inspired to defend something that important. I was fully, consciously, and premeditatively ready to do bad for the sake of avenging a good person. And I wasnt alone in that. Its fascinating how, for the right cause, one can turn off that call to take the higher road. In very rare instances, its not a call we should pay much mind to.

And in the meantime, Mallory and Dark Shadows put up beautiful new sets. Thank you, ladies.

Now how about them for updates?



ADDENDUM - Brother Ali's show last night at the Troubadour was tremendous. Most fun I've had at a show in a long time. . . big shout out to that 6'3'-seemed-to-thrive-on-his-misery-criticial-observant-big-words-sweaty-hair-sunken-eyes-and-thick-nerves for the surprise run-in. Great way to pop the house!!