jamber

it was hard. it was painful. and it did not go at ALL how i wanted it to. i was in so much pain and i was so scared by everything and just could not get it together and focus and stay in control. and everyone kept yelling at me and i kept yelling at them and was screaming at the top of my lungs it hurt so bad and i was so mad that they kept telling me to be quiet. i mean, damn- if you slam your hand in a car door, you yell and curse because it hurts right? well damn if labor doesn't hurt wayyyyyyy worse than slamming your hand in a car door you know? i was crawling up the bed trying to get away from them and pushing them off me when they would try to check this or that. ulch. and THEN i had to stay in the hospital for a few extra days hooked up to magnesium sulfate (ulch) cause my blood pressure jumped up to 166/101 and would not come down and then had to be hooked up to potassium (OUCH! that stuff HURTS) cause my levels of that were so low that they said if it dropped any lower i could have heart failure and this and that. ulch. it was basically the most miserable five days of my life.
and don't even get me started on all the troubles i've had breastfeeding. i've already had to abandon that and switch to formula which of course i feel totally guilty for and just can't seem to stop beating myself up over, even though things are so much better for the family now that we've switched to formula. i just don't know that i'll ever feel totally comfortable feeding my son stuff that's used to cut crank and stuff with. sigh....this mom stuff is hard...and it's only been two weeks.