The last month has been strange for me, to say the least. The drama that I usually try to stay free of has caught up to me and a lot has changed, mostly for the worst. Reality checks are like that sometimes though. I fear my relationship with two people who are very dear to me has been shattered, perhaps beyond the ability to be completely mended. I knew what was coming, I saw the writing on the wall, and yet I was simply stunned at the force of the explosion when the pressure finally became too much to contain. The fallout may survive my lifetime, and I know that my perception of things will never return to what it was.
I wish I could say that I have learned something, but considering it wasn't my drama and I was just caught in the middle of other people's shit I only learned to trust people a little less because things are hardly ever what they seem; I also learned to mind my own fucking business. The reason of course being that: I didn't, and I only made a messed up situation worse because I felt that it was my job to fix it... Ya... I'm pretty dumb sometimes. But once again I have been disillusioned when I didn't think that was possible anymore and for a brief time I fell into a slump, thus the lack of active blogging. My recent birthday I believe was the catalyst in my sudden change of mood, however, because I realized that 30 is fast approaching and I just don't give a shit anymore if people want to screw up their own lives. Fuck em.
Harsh I know, and I can tell as I pound on my keys that I still have some residual anger that I need to shed. I would literally kill to be able to go for a swim, naked, and in the dark, by myself. For those of you who are able to pound out your frustrations doing physical things like: Going to the gym, running, hitting the heavy bag, playing sports, fucking, or simply punching a hole in the wall (never a good idea btw,) count your blessings; because at this moment I am sorely jealous. And for those of you who can but instead spend all your time sitting on your ass taking your legs, and your life for granted: FUCK YOU TOO.
I am sorry if you came here seeking inspiration as I am short of that of late, and what I do have I am hoarding jealously. I forsee a time in the near future though where I will have enough to spread around again, I just have to refind my center. Until then Kids, remember: Life happens when you least expect it.
I wish I could say that I have learned something, but considering it wasn't my drama and I was just caught in the middle of other people's shit I only learned to trust people a little less because things are hardly ever what they seem; I also learned to mind my own fucking business. The reason of course being that: I didn't, and I only made a messed up situation worse because I felt that it was my job to fix it... Ya... I'm pretty dumb sometimes. But once again I have been disillusioned when I didn't think that was possible anymore and for a brief time I fell into a slump, thus the lack of active blogging. My recent birthday I believe was the catalyst in my sudden change of mood, however, because I realized that 30 is fast approaching and I just don't give a shit anymore if people want to screw up their own lives. Fuck em.
Harsh I know, and I can tell as I pound on my keys that I still have some residual anger that I need to shed. I would literally kill to be able to go for a swim, naked, and in the dark, by myself. For those of you who are able to pound out your frustrations doing physical things like: Going to the gym, running, hitting the heavy bag, playing sports, fucking, or simply punching a hole in the wall (never a good idea btw,) count your blessings; because at this moment I am sorely jealous. And for those of you who can but instead spend all your time sitting on your ass taking your legs, and your life for granted: FUCK YOU TOO.
I am sorry if you came here seeking inspiration as I am short of that of late, and what I do have I am hoarding jealously. I forsee a time in the near future though where I will have enough to spread around again, I just have to refind my center. Until then Kids, remember: Life happens when you least expect it.
You're still angry, so it's fine to be selfish with your inspiration for now. But, I hope you don't become bitter and suspicious of everyone. People can be utterly incomprehensible, (and that understates the matter, I know) but mostly everyone really is doing their very best to be their best. I truly believe this.
To better days. xo
As far as inspiration goes...I'm sure it will come again. I truly hope you feel better. I'm a huge believer in things happening for a reason and I'm sure you didn't want these people out of your life and that you only tried to help with the best of intentions. It's okay not to know why it happened or learn something from it. Sometimes it will come to you when you least expect it or just simply not to put yourself in that situation.
Anywho...if you ever need to rant I say go for it.
Take care.