inkaholik

let me start from the beginning

a few weeks ago my friend who i have known for 5 years after going thru a cycle what it seemed like where we would see eachother for so long then shed disappear bc of jobs or boyfriends. well she needed someone to talk to bc her bf broke up with her. so i was there like a friend even though she was out of my life for several months. with all that aside we started hanging out more and more. shed stay over and wed talk about just things, nothing really specific. well she noticed i was looking depressed and never smiled etc. obviously im depressed its well known that im on xanax and zoloft.

so a couple weeks go by and she has been staying over for a week and then after i tell her jen (my gf, who when this girl and i were together as friends we werent together , jen and i) and i are getting back together and talked everything out she would call or text see how i was doing and knew i was still miserable at this time this girl pretty much just bounces to another friends house whom she met thru me two weeks prior now it isnt the fact that she met someone new by me. its the fact all of a sudden she isnt crashing over here we rarely ever see eachother they are always hanging out. so all of a sudden i feel like im on the back burner. im out of the loop it feels like and that brings me down even more bc im the one that needs help and she knows it. she kept offering her help , and kept offering and kept offering. so i started taking large amount of vicodin. and come to find out although id have a nice buzz i still was depressed and miserable.

well tonight i tell her in a text i no longer want her in my life and to lose my cell number. i then proceed to tell her i took 15 vicodin when in reality i meant 10 vicodin. so she freaks out i guess and shows up at my house with my friend on the couch and her ringing the door bell at 230 this morning and literally went thru all my drawers and in my car and found about 15 empty bottles of vicodin that each had 30 and about 5 empty bottles of xanax. all prescribed within the last 3 months and drags my other friend with her to drive her here btw as they sit in the living room while she talks to me begging for me to accept her help and keeps telling me she has worse problems and why is it i wanna die so badly and make my mom sad by taking my life. and also by saying why would i wanna make my mom lose another person after all shes been through with losing my dad.

i am very upset i dont care how long ive known her i dont care if she is trying to help me. my business is MY business i dont appreciate "friends" coming into my home at 230 in the morning to come and fucking embarass me and make me look like a drug addict. i know my limits. im sorry i said i no longer want to be here any more if i chose to do something and end my life that is MY fucking business it is no one elses. this girl has pushed me to the edge and has pushed me away. i dont give a fuck if she was trying to help i NEVER asked for her help. she may think she is a real friend and she may be right but as i said that is MY business and no one fucking asked her to but in. things were all fine and dandy until she came back into my life i was perfectly fine being miserable and depressed and content with my life being that way. i was living wasnt i ? i dont care if people will miss me or if people love me. really? suicide is nothing to fuck with i should know ive tried one too many times.

im done. and pissed. and embarassed.


also i just got this done last night (sunday evening)