Soooo - I'm feeling pretty bummed right now. Questioning a whole bunch of shit. I hate when I do that. Wondering about the past, the present, and most certainly the future. Fearing my shortcomings (which are plentiful) and questioning if I even really have anything going for me right now.
I know the patent answer should be "my boyfriend" - which is partially true - but as someone who has serious boredom issues (as in I get bored way too easily with absolutely everything), and also as someone who has sort of screwed up every relationship I've ever been in because of my boredom, I can't help but worry that I will do the same thing to Sean.
And the worst part is, for the first time in our almost 2 1/2 year - intend-to-get-married relationship, I find my eyes (and genitals) beginning to wander....to two people in particular. One of them is not even someone I would be attracted to normally. I have no idea what is going on with me. The other is an absolute asshole who I had briefly (like 2 dates) dated 6 months to a year before I met Sean, and just for entertainment purposes, will inform you that a) he is an ex-Marine, b) he is EXTREMELY gorgeous, c) he is now a teacher, like me, d) at the end of our last date I ended up giving him a BJ in my driveway (ick!) and never heard from him again...until now. So what the hell is wrong with me? Is it simply boredom? Is it more than boredom? Am I scared of the idea of marriage, despite the fact that I've been wanting nothing more since I met Sean? Ughhh - I apologize in advance for the rambling - I'm just letting it all spill right now - and will continue to do so, so if you're already bored or rolling your eyes, feel free to cease reading right now
I'm extremely honest about this with my boyfriend. I tell him everything I'm feeling, leaving out specifics such as names of certain people (he would be too hurt knowing I have personal relationships with these people - it leaves too much room for interpretation). It actually turns me on telling him everything, feeling as though our relationship can be so honest and open - but that only lasts briefly, and then it's back to the wondering and wandering...BUT I also can't picture myself marrying anyone but him...such a conundrum...
And on another note entirely - I know I keep hoping to get the job I interviewed for, but it's really as far from my "dream job" as I could imagine. Truth is - I would love to be involved in the world of beauty products, and/or writing (ideally - writing for a beauty publication!). I just don't feel my abilities are up to par and have no desire to start my education all over again!
And having no real person (other than my boyfriend - who is clearly NOT a girl, thus making it impossible for him to understand certain things on the same level as I would expect a girlfriend to..) to confide in makes everything so much harder. I need some real, TRUE friends! I'm sure people will be lining up after this bitter diatribe
Any takers? Any advice? Anyone wanna give me a hug?
I know the patent answer should be "my boyfriend" - which is partially true - but as someone who has serious boredom issues (as in I get bored way too easily with absolutely everything), and also as someone who has sort of screwed up every relationship I've ever been in because of my boredom, I can't help but worry that I will do the same thing to Sean.
And the worst part is, for the first time in our almost 2 1/2 year - intend-to-get-married relationship, I find my eyes (and genitals) beginning to wander....to two people in particular. One of them is not even someone I would be attracted to normally. I have no idea what is going on with me. The other is an absolute asshole who I had briefly (like 2 dates) dated 6 months to a year before I met Sean, and just for entertainment purposes, will inform you that a) he is an ex-Marine, b) he is EXTREMELY gorgeous, c) he is now a teacher, like me, d) at the end of our last date I ended up giving him a BJ in my driveway (ick!) and never heard from him again...until now. So what the hell is wrong with me? Is it simply boredom? Is it more than boredom? Am I scared of the idea of marriage, despite the fact that I've been wanting nothing more since I met Sean? Ughhh - I apologize in advance for the rambling - I'm just letting it all spill right now - and will continue to do so, so if you're already bored or rolling your eyes, feel free to cease reading right now
I'm extremely honest about this with my boyfriend. I tell him everything I'm feeling, leaving out specifics such as names of certain people (he would be too hurt knowing I have personal relationships with these people - it leaves too much room for interpretation). It actually turns me on telling him everything, feeling as though our relationship can be so honest and open - but that only lasts briefly, and then it's back to the wondering and wandering...BUT I also can't picture myself marrying anyone but him...such a conundrum...
And on another note entirely - I know I keep hoping to get the job I interviewed for, but it's really as far from my "dream job" as I could imagine. Truth is - I would love to be involved in the world of beauty products, and/or writing (ideally - writing for a beauty publication!). I just don't feel my abilities are up to par and have no desire to start my education all over again!
And having no real person (other than my boyfriend - who is clearly NOT a girl, thus making it impossible for him to understand certain things on the same level as I would expect a girlfriend to..) to confide in makes everything so much harder. I need some real, TRUE friends! I'm sure people will be lining up after this bitter diatribe
Any takers? Any advice? Anyone wanna give me a hug?
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
lolablu:
Hugs!
elgeneral:
I just wanted to tell you that you look amazing, and you seem like a very cool girl that I would like to befreind.