So the question is floating around, "Why did you decide to do SG?" My answer thus follows.
I thought about it. I have myriad reasons for parading my goodies on the internet and all of them are valid. Sure, I could talk about the community aspect, the camaraderie, the sense of belonging that I needed to feel at a time when I felt I didn't belong at all. But all of those have been covered before by many other SG's and hopefuls.
My personal reason is much darker than all of that, and it was a conclusion I came to after much self reflection. I pride myself on being an open and honest person now, someone who doesn't hide anymore, and I am not going to hide my most personal reason for joining SG way back in 2004.
When I was 18 I was in an abusive relationship. He was emotionally manipulative and sexually abusive. He made me do things I wasn't comfortable with. Of course, he wasn't always like that, especially at first, but anyone who has been in an abusive relationship can tell you that they never start out as total douche nozzles. Because of the abuse I experienced, my sexuality suffered.
When I was 19 I was bitter. He had been a man I loved and trusted, who took advantage of me, and then who turned my friends against me when I came forward with what had transpired between us. To get to the point, I didn't trust men, and the abuse I experienced led me to question my own value and worth as a human being. I found it hard to be intimate with a man without being intoxicated. But I still found men attractive. I still wanted to be sexual in some way. I still wanted to share myself. That year, my freshmen year of college, I began posing nude for the figure drawing classes. I loved it. I loved being drawn. I loved the artistic attention I received. I felt like myself. I felt free. Soon after, photography and film students began asking me to pose for them or to be in their film projects. I loved it all. I was called ugly and picked on a lot in high school, so the positive attention I was receiving was really quite nice as well.
(That same year I was also exposed to SG, but didn't apply because I lacked the self confidence necessary to bare it all online.)
Finally, when I was 21 I was brave enough and became an SG. I loved taking my first set. I was comfortable and in control of the shoot. I loved that SG's had creative control over what they decided to show. The rules were really quite lax: One outfit and a strip tease of sorts to reveal full nudity. But there was no requirement for Hustler style spread shots, which are so ubiquitous in mainstream porn. I didn't have a man explicitly telling me what to show and what to do. Finally, I had an outlet for my still recovering sense of sexuality. I felt safe. I felt good. I made no concessions. I posed how I saw fit. I wore what I wanted to. I didn't have anyone telling me that my boobs were too small, or that I should let my hair grow out, or that I should wear softer make up. It was liberating.
Now, posing for soft core internet porn is not usually seen as a healthy way of recovering yourself after a traumatic sexual experience, but I've never been the conventional sort.
I think a part of me always knew this was the biggest reason for posing on SG, but I think I tucked it away into the deepest recesses of my brain so that I wouldn't have to think about the horrible things that happened to me. I made up shiny surface reasons for doing SG, but they were all gold plated nickel.
You all have my honest answer now. I know it's not a happy, bubbly answer. I know it's not coy or coquettish. I know it doesn't turn anyone on. I know that it may have been hard to read. But this is it. This is the biggest reason. And I have decided to share it with you all.
And now, since that was probably somewhat depressing, here are some pictures of me post bath!
