So, we'll start with a random peek into my Star Wars fantasies.
The most profound of influences on me as a child-closely seconded or tied by Doctor Who-were the Star Wars movies. Definitely something I'd always wanted to be a part of....something I'd always hoped would be a bigger, deeper tale (as was being led to Empire Strikes Back).
Obviously that didn't happen, but I remember just before Ep2 hit theatres and I was reading of what Eps 7-9 were to be, before George axed them....
The thought of Luke falling to the Dark Side and Vader redeeming himself...would definitely reverse roles. Vader had an unexplained hardon for the Falcon in Empire, suggesting it had some personal value to him (a value that either didn't register or matter in A New Hope). Upon reading that in Ep2 Anakin and Padme were to stow away on a freighter....I hoped that it would be the Falcon they hid away on, making the capture of the Falcon a very personal memento for Vader. I saw a scene from an imaginary Ep7 that would of course never be made-Vader stepping into an empty rebel hanger, the Falcon parked. He stares for a moment, and slowly walks up to it, and his breathing slows as he raises a hand and puts his palm to the ship-and lowers his head as if in defeat. Then a voice from behind, and Vader turns his head to his shoulder to speak to the ghost of ObiWan, encouraging him not to blame himself for his son's fall....
Anyhow.
The house is more empty than I've seen it in a while. A year and a half this house has been in my life in some form. She moved into it last January, much to my displeasure....but after a failed roommate situation in Austin, this became my only fallback-to return to this piddly little town and live with her. And why not, we'd spoken of it and I was getting her the magic ring that would make it ALMOST acceptable to family. On the blank white walls and empty floors I see a hundred failures.
I was less than pleased with the relationship, taunted and teased by a better one that I couldn't have, my comforts driven to the ground by her nagging insecurities, frustrated with myself for feeling that I had nothing left but to accept this as my fate-a familiar one, though.
These rooms echo and I am taking another step away from this misstep in life-but unlike that misstep and every previous one, I'm not stepping into a goal, a direction, a desire....I'm simply living. Drifting. Aimless. Things could remain the same in my life for months, a year, six years-it wouldn't have any higher effect since there's nothing to worry about but carrying on. Living for myself for nothing isn't very fulfilling to me.
With some of the other stench sources scoured, I found a few spots here that still smell of Nag Chompa. I hate that smell-partially for the memories and feelings it invokes, partially because it causes my chest to tighten uncomfortably, partially because I'm not fond (or disliking) of the smell.
Found another stash of her condoms. Her and the silly crusade to convince people of her virginity-she tried to convince me she was, tries to convince everyone, tried to assure me that after we were done that she was going celibate again ("It was for you and noone else ever."). Such a terrible liar, even if there weren't evidence abound. It's almost insulting to ME that she doesn't mind a guy who'll use a godawfully retarded line like "I want to trash compact you"....I use some odd metaphors for sex, but trash compacting? Well, it WAS a rather rank and infested pit, but that doesn't justify something like that. In jest, perhaps, but they use the phrase(s) in seriousness. Insulting to me, I tell you.
Some of the rooms seem larger, some seem smaller. The room she initially moved into now looks larger with nothing in it. The room that became our living room-now, I can't imagine that we'd have fit a computer desk and couch against that wall. I see Enterprise blueprints and pieces sprawled out, as I tired to figure out the best way to assemble a neat deskpiece for my father (months before it would be knocked off a high shelf during construction by a mischevious kitten).
I see where it felt that hey-it's not perfect, but it feels more right than it has in a while. Why not? Before the same old insecurities and logic loopholes returned.
I hate failure, even if it's something that didn't work out for the better. A YEAR AGO I should have been with Molly, but I couldn't take things beyond flirtacious adoration-I have few morals, but I can't run around on someone....all I can do is frustrate myself with better things I could but shouldn't reach for.
It's not as hot as it was last year.
Apparently, Doug and I are to do a video after all. It's rather shocking, really, after my last error I'd have assumed that would be my only chance....
I admit, I am terrified. When this was first proposed, almost 2 years ago, I DID have the means/resources to do such a thing. Now, money is a bit tighter, but the difficulty really is in resources....I don't know anyone anymore, nor do I have the equipment. I'll still find a way to do it, by Bob, no matter the cost. I've a few ideas I'm already looking into the logistics of, and hopefully the album will show up in the mail this week.
I don't expect anything will ever come of doing this video, but it's a project I need to do-it's worth the heartache. It's something I'd have never expected to happen, but always wanted-a creative collaboration with my idol. I'll be able to hang up my silly desires and dreams that I've wasted my life on because I finally got something that mattered done, without any help from the people who never helped anyway, and it'll have MY name on it. I'm sure I won't be able to watch it, since it won't be good enough for ME, and already the process is tickling angry demons from my childhood....
I've lost my lighting guy. No clue where he is. I'll have to add that hat to my head, likely, and I know jack about lighting-something I COULD and SHOULD have learned, but again...no resource growing up, no opportunity, and the last 5 years spent trying to get something done have produced nothing. I don't have the time or energy to learn everything fresh, and you can't learn just from reading-you have to DO it.
Story time, on the subject. There's a really neat film school in New York, and during the summer they run what's basically a really high tech in depth film program for high school kids. You keep your work and all rights to it, college credit, etc; and all the production costs are included with the package (film, etc). A couple grand. Family, of course, vehemently rejected the idea (amidst a chorus of my favorite expression "What if...") and made it a point to belittle and rip it apart....I was, of course, wrong about everything I said. The cost came up as a reason it's "not worth it", as well. A "waste of money on a trip", or something similar. Summer ended, I had ONE more summer opportunity next year to do this if I could scrounge up the cash (and get family behind it). Senior year starts, and there's a yearly trip to Europe at the end of the year. Several grand, a week or so in Europe. Parents jump all over this shit and drop a 4 figure deposit on the thing-despite my telling them I don't give a shit about going to Europe, this money would have been much better spent on the film program. Again, though, *I* don't know what I'm talking about....even with my warnings that they'll never see me again if I get to Europe ("You don't know anyone there." bitch, what the fuck do you think I'm online at night plotting?) and my suggestion that if they're hell bent to spend that money on me ("to do something nice for me"), put it somewhere THAT FUCKING MATTERS. Details aside, I bitch enough about it that they decide to "teach me a lesson" and don't pay the rest. My, what a lesson it taught me-you'll blow a 4 figure deposit on something I didn't ask for to teach me that you're assholes who don't listen? I already knew that. What "life experience" I ended up with, Europe or not! Meanwhile, years later, Kevin desperately needs that rudimentary lighting knowledge he'd have been given had he gotten into that film program....
Yea, I've experimented a bit with the old digi cam that I no longer have....experimented with what I had and no deadline/cost to bear. Not exactly proof-of-concept level work.
*sigh* 5 years on my own now and NOW I'm finally getting something done....a little late, ja?
I'm so nervous.
The most profound of influences on me as a child-closely seconded or tied by Doctor Who-were the Star Wars movies. Definitely something I'd always wanted to be a part of....something I'd always hoped would be a bigger, deeper tale (as was being led to Empire Strikes Back).
Obviously that didn't happen, but I remember just before Ep2 hit theatres and I was reading of what Eps 7-9 were to be, before George axed them....
The thought of Luke falling to the Dark Side and Vader redeeming himself...would definitely reverse roles. Vader had an unexplained hardon for the Falcon in Empire, suggesting it had some personal value to him (a value that either didn't register or matter in A New Hope). Upon reading that in Ep2 Anakin and Padme were to stow away on a freighter....I hoped that it would be the Falcon they hid away on, making the capture of the Falcon a very personal memento for Vader. I saw a scene from an imaginary Ep7 that would of course never be made-Vader stepping into an empty rebel hanger, the Falcon parked. He stares for a moment, and slowly walks up to it, and his breathing slows as he raises a hand and puts his palm to the ship-and lowers his head as if in defeat. Then a voice from behind, and Vader turns his head to his shoulder to speak to the ghost of ObiWan, encouraging him not to blame himself for his son's fall....
Anyhow.
The house is more empty than I've seen it in a while. A year and a half this house has been in my life in some form. She moved into it last January, much to my displeasure....but after a failed roommate situation in Austin, this became my only fallback-to return to this piddly little town and live with her. And why not, we'd spoken of it and I was getting her the magic ring that would make it ALMOST acceptable to family. On the blank white walls and empty floors I see a hundred failures.
I was less than pleased with the relationship, taunted and teased by a better one that I couldn't have, my comforts driven to the ground by her nagging insecurities, frustrated with myself for feeling that I had nothing left but to accept this as my fate-a familiar one, though.
These rooms echo and I am taking another step away from this misstep in life-but unlike that misstep and every previous one, I'm not stepping into a goal, a direction, a desire....I'm simply living. Drifting. Aimless. Things could remain the same in my life for months, a year, six years-it wouldn't have any higher effect since there's nothing to worry about but carrying on. Living for myself for nothing isn't very fulfilling to me.
With some of the other stench sources scoured, I found a few spots here that still smell of Nag Chompa. I hate that smell-partially for the memories and feelings it invokes, partially because it causes my chest to tighten uncomfortably, partially because I'm not fond (or disliking) of the smell.
Found another stash of her condoms. Her and the silly crusade to convince people of her virginity-she tried to convince me she was, tries to convince everyone, tried to assure me that after we were done that she was going celibate again ("It was for you and noone else ever."). Such a terrible liar, even if there weren't evidence abound. It's almost insulting to ME that she doesn't mind a guy who'll use a godawfully retarded line like "I want to trash compact you"....I use some odd metaphors for sex, but trash compacting? Well, it WAS a rather rank and infested pit, but that doesn't justify something like that. In jest, perhaps, but they use the phrase(s) in seriousness. Insulting to me, I tell you.
Some of the rooms seem larger, some seem smaller. The room she initially moved into now looks larger with nothing in it. The room that became our living room-now, I can't imagine that we'd have fit a computer desk and couch against that wall. I see Enterprise blueprints and pieces sprawled out, as I tired to figure out the best way to assemble a neat deskpiece for my father (months before it would be knocked off a high shelf during construction by a mischevious kitten).
I see where it felt that hey-it's not perfect, but it feels more right than it has in a while. Why not? Before the same old insecurities and logic loopholes returned.
I hate failure, even if it's something that didn't work out for the better. A YEAR AGO I should have been with Molly, but I couldn't take things beyond flirtacious adoration-I have few morals, but I can't run around on someone....all I can do is frustrate myself with better things I could but shouldn't reach for.
It's not as hot as it was last year.
Apparently, Doug and I are to do a video after all. It's rather shocking, really, after my last error I'd have assumed that would be my only chance....
I admit, I am terrified. When this was first proposed, almost 2 years ago, I DID have the means/resources to do such a thing. Now, money is a bit tighter, but the difficulty really is in resources....I don't know anyone anymore, nor do I have the equipment. I'll still find a way to do it, by Bob, no matter the cost. I've a few ideas I'm already looking into the logistics of, and hopefully the album will show up in the mail this week.
I don't expect anything will ever come of doing this video, but it's a project I need to do-it's worth the heartache. It's something I'd have never expected to happen, but always wanted-a creative collaboration with my idol. I'll be able to hang up my silly desires and dreams that I've wasted my life on because I finally got something that mattered done, without any help from the people who never helped anyway, and it'll have MY name on it. I'm sure I won't be able to watch it, since it won't be good enough for ME, and already the process is tickling angry demons from my childhood....
I've lost my lighting guy. No clue where he is. I'll have to add that hat to my head, likely, and I know jack about lighting-something I COULD and SHOULD have learned, but again...no resource growing up, no opportunity, and the last 5 years spent trying to get something done have produced nothing. I don't have the time or energy to learn everything fresh, and you can't learn just from reading-you have to DO it.
Story time, on the subject. There's a really neat film school in New York, and during the summer they run what's basically a really high tech in depth film program for high school kids. You keep your work and all rights to it, college credit, etc; and all the production costs are included with the package (film, etc). A couple grand. Family, of course, vehemently rejected the idea (amidst a chorus of my favorite expression "What if...") and made it a point to belittle and rip it apart....I was, of course, wrong about everything I said. The cost came up as a reason it's "not worth it", as well. A "waste of money on a trip", or something similar. Summer ended, I had ONE more summer opportunity next year to do this if I could scrounge up the cash (and get family behind it). Senior year starts, and there's a yearly trip to Europe at the end of the year. Several grand, a week or so in Europe. Parents jump all over this shit and drop a 4 figure deposit on the thing-despite my telling them I don't give a shit about going to Europe, this money would have been much better spent on the film program. Again, though, *I* don't know what I'm talking about....even with my warnings that they'll never see me again if I get to Europe ("You don't know anyone there." bitch, what the fuck do you think I'm online at night plotting?) and my suggestion that if they're hell bent to spend that money on me ("to do something nice for me"), put it somewhere THAT FUCKING MATTERS. Details aside, I bitch enough about it that they decide to "teach me a lesson" and don't pay the rest. My, what a lesson it taught me-you'll blow a 4 figure deposit on something I didn't ask for to teach me that you're assholes who don't listen? I already knew that. What "life experience" I ended up with, Europe or not! Meanwhile, years later, Kevin desperately needs that rudimentary lighting knowledge he'd have been given had he gotten into that film program....
Yea, I've experimented a bit with the old digi cam that I no longer have....experimented with what I had and no deadline/cost to bear. Not exactly proof-of-concept level work.
*sigh* 5 years on my own now and NOW I'm finally getting something done....a little late, ja?
I'm so nervous.
I miss you. AND..
I love you.
Sooooo.. YEAH!