Ripped from an old diary I kept in high school...it's easier than thinking and typing about it again.
Christmas Mourn - 12/26/2000
I hate Christmas, and the holidays in general. It's a disgusting commercial orgy, and braced by "traditional" cheese music and song.
Christmas isn't about material possession, it's about family and love, and baby Jesus.
I really strike out all over on Christmas. I'm not Christian, and I quite detest the religion, so I can't be happy about Jesus. Shallow though it is, I can't be happy about material possession because I don't exactly see much new stuff on Christmas. I can't be happy about family, because we don't get along and even on the holidays I hate being with them and they hate being with me. Majority of the world is happy go lucky, and I'm shittier than I usually am.
My grandfather I beleive is also partially responsible for my hatred of Christmas. Not responsible like it's his "fault" or anything....10 years ago now my grandfather died. How's that for a good morning?? Christmas morn, happy smart little boy Kevin wakes up, looking foreward to good food, new toys, and Grandpa. He'd been in the hospital because of a heart scare, but he was really ok and he was being released this morning! YAY!
The phone rang as I was getting dressed, and I thought it was just another call. I walked into the living room and my mother and grandmother were crying. He'd just died of a heart attack. Grandma was talking to him, as we were all getting ready to go. He was looking foreward to coming home and doing the Christmassy jazz stuff with us, feeling fine! The doctors gave him a clean bill of health, he felt fine, it was wonderful! During the conversation a loud "beep" noise started, and grandpa thought he'd just accidentally pulled one of the sensors off-he'd done that before, no worries. Then grandma lost his voice in the commotion that sounded like it was building around him, and a nurses voice said "He can't talk right now." and hung up on her. It was several minutes later that we got the call.
He had no idea he was dying. Didn't feel it. Nurses said the last thing he said was "Did I pull another cord? Is something wrong? OK?" then leaned back, shut his eyes, and a moment later stopped. No convulsions or anything. Nothing prompted it, it just...stopped. I don't know if that's a "heart attack" or just a "heart stop". Attacks hurt, right?
We'd gone to see him the night before. Christmas Eve, the big day was right around the corner! We brought him some of his favorite cake, flowers, and his gifts, sat for a few hours and talked to him, I examined all the gadgets in his room asking over and over "Grandpa, whats this?" "What's that for?" "Did they soandso?" etc etc, picking up a stethescope at one point and listening to his heart. The whole family was there, me, my brother and sister, my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. I still remember what room he was in. Third floor.
He and grandma used to travel all over the country-we lived with them at the time, and since they were traveling alot, they didn't mind someone using the home. They'd be gone for weeks at a time, and when he came back he'd always give me a big hug and ask "Did you miss me?"...to which I'd reply "Nope! Not at all!"......because I knew my grandpa was coming back. I didn't need to miss him, we could call on the phone, and again, he wouldn't run away, he'd always be home soon with lots of pictures and stories and stuff to teach me. There was only ONE time I said to him that I did miss him....they'd been out for MONTHS and when you're 6 or 7 or 8 or whatever, months is forever! I really missed him that time. Everyone remembers it well, they pulled up, he jumped out and hugged me and said "So, did you miss me?" and I hugged him again and said "Yes. Lots." Everyone laughed, and he told me "Why? You know I'll always come back for you."
One of the funniest things was that since....oh, early 1980's, the way he looked.....ever seen Star Wars?? He looked EXACTLY like Alec Guiness, who played Obi-Wan Kenobi. It confused the hell out of me for a long time, I thought my grandpa was ObiWan! Cool, my grandpa was in Star Wars! I still laugh at what a silly idea, but he did look precisely like him, sounded similar too. Sometimes I freeze frame the movie when ObiWan smiles. Renee suggested that this is part of the reason I've grown more attached to Star Wars over the years, a subconscious thing.
Christmas, 1990......10 years now. For an 8 year old, that'll fuck up your Christmas spirit.
Christmas Mourn - 12/26/2000
I hate Christmas, and the holidays in general. It's a disgusting commercial orgy, and braced by "traditional" cheese music and song.
Christmas isn't about material possession, it's about family and love, and baby Jesus.
I really strike out all over on Christmas. I'm not Christian, and I quite detest the religion, so I can't be happy about Jesus. Shallow though it is, I can't be happy about material possession because I don't exactly see much new stuff on Christmas. I can't be happy about family, because we don't get along and even on the holidays I hate being with them and they hate being with me. Majority of the world is happy go lucky, and I'm shittier than I usually am.
My grandfather I beleive is also partially responsible for my hatred of Christmas. Not responsible like it's his "fault" or anything....10 years ago now my grandfather died. How's that for a good morning?? Christmas morn, happy smart little boy Kevin wakes up, looking foreward to good food, new toys, and Grandpa. He'd been in the hospital because of a heart scare, but he was really ok and he was being released this morning! YAY!
The phone rang as I was getting dressed, and I thought it was just another call. I walked into the living room and my mother and grandmother were crying. He'd just died of a heart attack. Grandma was talking to him, as we were all getting ready to go. He was looking foreward to coming home and doing the Christmassy jazz stuff with us, feeling fine! The doctors gave him a clean bill of health, he felt fine, it was wonderful! During the conversation a loud "beep" noise started, and grandpa thought he'd just accidentally pulled one of the sensors off-he'd done that before, no worries. Then grandma lost his voice in the commotion that sounded like it was building around him, and a nurses voice said "He can't talk right now." and hung up on her. It was several minutes later that we got the call.
He had no idea he was dying. Didn't feel it. Nurses said the last thing he said was "Did I pull another cord? Is something wrong? OK?" then leaned back, shut his eyes, and a moment later stopped. No convulsions or anything. Nothing prompted it, it just...stopped. I don't know if that's a "heart attack" or just a "heart stop". Attacks hurt, right?
We'd gone to see him the night before. Christmas Eve, the big day was right around the corner! We brought him some of his favorite cake, flowers, and his gifts, sat for a few hours and talked to him, I examined all the gadgets in his room asking over and over "Grandpa, whats this?" "What's that for?" "Did they soandso?" etc etc, picking up a stethescope at one point and listening to his heart. The whole family was there, me, my brother and sister, my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. I still remember what room he was in. Third floor.
He and grandma used to travel all over the country-we lived with them at the time, and since they were traveling alot, they didn't mind someone using the home. They'd be gone for weeks at a time, and when he came back he'd always give me a big hug and ask "Did you miss me?"...to which I'd reply "Nope! Not at all!"......because I knew my grandpa was coming back. I didn't need to miss him, we could call on the phone, and again, he wouldn't run away, he'd always be home soon with lots of pictures and stories and stuff to teach me. There was only ONE time I said to him that I did miss him....they'd been out for MONTHS and when you're 6 or 7 or 8 or whatever, months is forever! I really missed him that time. Everyone remembers it well, they pulled up, he jumped out and hugged me and said "So, did you miss me?" and I hugged him again and said "Yes. Lots." Everyone laughed, and he told me "Why? You know I'll always come back for you."
One of the funniest things was that since....oh, early 1980's, the way he looked.....ever seen Star Wars?? He looked EXACTLY like Alec Guiness, who played Obi-Wan Kenobi. It confused the hell out of me for a long time, I thought my grandpa was ObiWan! Cool, my grandpa was in Star Wars! I still laugh at what a silly idea, but he did look precisely like him, sounded similar too. Sometimes I freeze frame the movie when ObiWan smiles. Renee suggested that this is part of the reason I've grown more attached to Star Wars over the years, a subconscious thing.
Christmas, 1990......10 years now. For an 8 year old, that'll fuck up your Christmas spirit.
And by the way, I love almost of the books you have listed in your profile. Especially Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates. Tom Robbins seem to know exactly how to word what I'm on the cusp of realizing for myself. It's beautiful, really.
Take care!