hyenahell

The Continuing Saga of the Dreaded JOB HUNT: Part One

i saw an ad for temporary/back-to-school work at the bookstore of my former university. so i went to apply for a job yesterday. i felt very good about this one. after all, i have a fucking degree from that place. and it's a book store. and i was prepared to bring my A-game, no matter what. i even put on clean, unoffensive pants, and a clean shirt. as i walked out the door, i felt confident that i would get the job.

so i walk to the university (because, of course, the replacement bike still needs tires and tubes). once on campus, i immediately run into two women i went to school with. we'll call them A. and Z. A. was a good friend of mine while we were in school, but, like most of my friends from school, i lost touch with her once i graduated. but she was always one of my favorite people. Z., however, always came off as a snotty, pretentious twat. i never liked her much, and don't expect she liked me. but since we worked in close proximity during school, the mutual dislike was always veiled with niceties.

now, i should add that it always makes me excruciatingly uncomfortable when i run into people i knew in school. it doesn't matter if they were a classmate or a professor. it doesn't matter if i liked them or not. upon seeing them again, i will invariably be on the verge of some violent, off-putting emotional response throughout the duration of the meeting. it is terribly difficult for me not to burst into tears, or start yelling at them, or i don't even fucking know what. this is mostly because of my own feelings of worthlessness and paranoia and being a general nervous wreck of a human being. but also because most of them are much better off than i am. they all have jobs- jobs they like, and that will help them advance in their vocation- or have gone on to grad school. seeing them again only reminds me what i am not doing with my life. and because i am not doing anything productive (am not, but want to be- it's possible that i wouldn't give a fuck if this was my prefered manner of living), i always suspect that everyone is secretly- no. scratch that- that everyone is openly disappointed with me.

that said, i ran into A. and Z. they both work on the campus, doing some sort of art-related thing. another friend told me what, but i've forgotten. after exchanging greetings, and giving A. my phone number, i explained to them why i was on campus: to apply for another crappy, low-wage job for which i'm vastly overqualified, and for which i will probably not be hired. i think i worded it like that, too. because it's not like this is my first choice of employment. but times is tough, as they say, and i'll take what i can get and take it gladly.

that's when Z. made this face. and if i had one wish right now, it would be that we (you, reading this, and i) could be sitting in a bar somehere, face to face, so i could attempt to replicate this expression. it was something between a sneer and a grimace. there was alot of eye-rolling and lip-curling involved. it was a genuine expression of utter disgust and contempt. i kid you not. she might have said, "ew!", as well. i cannot be sure.

i continued talking to them (well, to A.) for a few minutes. and every time i would look back over at Z., she was still making the face! i'd talk for a bit, then look- then talk for a bit, then look- she never stopped making that face. i wanted to wring her neck. or berate her. but i didn't.

coupled with the aforementioned feelings of worthlessness, paranoia, and being a general nervous wreck of a human being, this encounter was disheartening, to say the least. this is the mood i was in when i walked into the bookstore. however, i was feeling particularly resilient, and my desperation to find gainful employment was such that i convinced myself not be detered. i am, after all, the indominable Hyena Hell. i am not to be trifled with. i am awesome in all incarnations and manifestations- awesome in the awe-inspiring way, as well as the "totally rad" way. i am good enough, and smart enough, and goddamnit, people will love me, or at least tremble in fear at my feet.

so i put on my "applying for a job/talking to someone's parents/dealing with the pigs" face, and enter the bookstore. i walk up to the lady at the counter and ask her politely if they were still taking applications. she said yes, found the papers, and handed them to me. as i leaned over to take the applications, she cupped her hand at the side of her mouth and told me, glancing from side to side, as if she was dispelling some terrible secret, "If they call you in for an interview..." she gestured to her lips, where my lip ring would have been if i was her, "...you need to take that out".

i just kind of stood there. it was a college bookstore. i'd fucking seen people with piercings working there when i was in school. albeit they were nose and eyebrow rings, and for some reason those seem to fly a little better with the powers that be than lip rings. but for crying out loud- did it really matter? i stammered, "Um, I can't", and then quickly added, "But I could put a smaller one in". the kind lady looked at me, sternly, and slowly shook her head. it was as if i had said, "But smoking crack isn't so bad, is it?" i shrugged, and said, "Well, I can still try, right?" she gave me a pitying look, smiled, and handed me the papers. i went next door to fill them out.

after listing everyone that i had ever known and every job i had ever worked, giving Barnes & Noble written permission to contact everyone that i have ever known to elicit statements regarding my character, lifestyle, and favorite kind of pie, and swearing i wasn't a criminal, i signed my name to the whole mess and handed the application back to the kind lady. i cannot say that she did not immediately throw it away, or write on it, in bold letters, "lip ring- do not hire!!!".

i then walked home with my head down.

this shit just isn't for me.

love.
-Hyena.