I had a dream last night that I was with a faceless person. I'm not sure if it was a woman or a man, or had any idea what they looked like. All I knew was that I loved them. What made me think deeper into that was that I'm in a monogamous, committed relationship with someone else.. not the person who I dreamt of.
When I was about 12, I remember my parents taking my sister and I to a Mexican restaurant. They sat us down and calmly explained to us that Mommy and Daddy love each other very much but Mommy and Daddy also loved other people, and that this was ok with them and that they were happy. That they identified as "polyamorous." I just sat there thinking, "Ok. Can we order now?"
I didn't see anything odd about it. Growing up in Washington State and spending a lot of time in Seattle I grew up around all types of people. My parents were active members of what used to be known as Wet Leather. They had partners, and never hid that from my little sister and I. We had friends of the family who watched us grow up whom were openly playing with one or both of my parents, were gay, or into various forms of kink. Nothing ever seemed different to me. As far as I was concerned, my parents were still together... unlike more than half of other parents.
I remember telling my parents that I was bisexual without any fear. They simply said, "we know." They could care less if I loved a lava lamp as long as I was happy.
I'm a serial monogamist. Going fr from relationship to relationship. That's just me. I'm not necessarily unhappy alone, but I'm happier when I have someone. I've been told that that's "bad" all my life and that I should take a break from dating after my multiple failed relationships. I don't see it that way. I think that that is just what makes me happy and that's ok. I have never given up on the idea of love, no matter how many times I've been burned.
That said, as much as I like to consider myself a monogamist, I SUCK at being monogamous. I don't know what it is. I love being in a relationship but no matter how much that person makes me happy, I always seem to be searching for someone else. It's never that I don't want to be with that person, it's just I don't quite feel complete.
I'm not sure if I'm really built for monogamy but it seems like a weird concept to me sometimes. Almost like maybe I'm just being selfish but saying I can't be with one person? I've voiced it to my partners, most recently to my- pending divorce- Husband, but that always blew up in my face. I don't think I know how to convey it in a way that makes them see that it's not that I don't love them or that they aren't "good enough." And to be honest, I've never had the opportunity to try living a poly lifestyle. I always get the same reaction from people, "Oh, it's just that you haven't meant 'The One' yet. When you do, you won't want anyone else."
That doesn't seem right at all for me. I'm a Libra and sometimes seem to be cursed with the amount of love I feel for multiple people, whether romantic or platonic. I know how it feels to be totally, desperately in love and even with those few people I have had that love for I still have these same buried feelings.
It seems like a struggle that shouldn't be one. Like I should have this figured out by now, hell, I just turned 30.
But where to go from here? Do I risk losing my current relationship (whom, I actually feel like I could convey these feelings to and had previously told me that he was okay with me playing with other women, but quickly, and emotionally, recanted that statement when I told him about a recent experience.) to explore something that might not even be what I want in the long run?
Damned if I do, damned if I don't.