I have a bacterial infection on my face at the moment that kids typically get (it's called impetigo; it's not pretty). It's going away, but all weekend (save for last night) I've been inside because when the things (I have no idea what they are, cysts? pimples? whatever they're small) ooze, you're highly contagious and not supposed to be around anyone. I went downstairs for a Memorial Day party last night for someone who lives in my building and it was nice to be around people and they didn't mind how horrible my face looks right now so that was nice. Point of the story is, I got along with people real well for a while, in fact it was nice being around people who seemed to enjoy my company even with this shit on my face. But, as the night went on and people got more drunk/high or whatever, everyone started going into their little groups or coupling off with their significant others and what not, and I felt really lonely. I realized, I didn't belong there. I'm friendly with the people in my building, but my building even has a little clique which I don't like. One guy, Bobby, was very very nice and talked to me a good deal of the night about spirituality. But, when the clique showed up he hung with them. I don't blame him since I was there all night and they just showed up, but I still felt lonely. I was sitting there by the fire by myself, and every time I tried to join anyone's conversation it was a failed attempt. I just wasn't close with anyone there, and everyone there had people they were close to.
Then, today, I'm all alone. My best friend stopped answering my text messages when he got home from Mysteryland since I guess he went to hang out with his friend Avrille who I'm friendly with. But, sitting here with the cat, I realize I'm really, really lonely. My best friend, Steven, is really the only friend I have. My friend Jess doesn't talk to me outside of seeing me in classes, and the same with my friend Anna. I'm not the person people think 'Hey i wanna hang with her today', because I'm not super close with anyone but my friend Steven. He's the only person who thinks that way towards me, but he's got so many friends that he can't always be there, ya know? And I don't expect him to be. I just wish I had other people I was close to. The girl whom I was becoming close with, my friend Erica, turns out she's leaving for Mount Holy Oak in August so just as we were getting closer she's leaving. Sometimes I feel like the universe is purposely leaving me lonely, and I don't understand why. I don't understand the message it's trying to send me, if there is one. I just wish I could find more people whom I bonded with, who I could venture off on my spiritual journey with, who won't judge me when my face looks all shitty because of some bacterial infection, and who will love me for me. For god's sakes, I'm even losing Steven in October; he's returning to Georgia! Then I really will be alone.
I don't know what to do. I'm losing myself the more time I spend in New York City, and the more time I spend here the more alone I feel and become. I've been trying to be happy and positive more lately, but sometimes it's really hard to do that alone. I don't know what to do. I wish I could find more people out there like myself, more flower children trying to focus on peace and love, looking to discover all they can in this life in preparation for the next.
I know this is a lot, but I just needed to get it out. I figured this would be a place where some people would see it, but only those who cared would actually read it.
Thanks to whoever reads this or comments. Means a lot.
Much Love <3 Hippi~