himillsy

Do you ever get the feeling at the end of the day that you've screwed up a perfectly good chance to have a much better day than the one you have?

Where is this constant sens of loss coming from? Oh yeah. I'm lazy.

There's a story about a guy who spends his whole life pushing a boulder up a hill, over and over again until he dies. I feel like him right now. Except my boulder isn't gong anywhere, because I'm sort of just sitting behind it, smoking a bowl.

I'm graduating (maybe) in two weeks. I'm kind of on the cusp of failing a class. Hopefully my teacher will have mercy where none is due.

How did I screw up this bad? I keep bouncing back and forth between preferring real, subjective life experience to academia and freaking out because I don't have A's anymore. It's hard to know what's important when no one else seems to understand the value of the time spent not doing homework but you. When you need a piece of paper to prove yourself everywhere you go, or at least be convincing in some way, shape or form.

Why do I need to impress anyone? Most of all, why the need to impress myself? I'm tired of it. I have been for a long time. I even stopped trying. But here I am, standing in the academic grave I've dug for myself. Shit, I forgot I live in this society, therefore I have to be a responsible member of it, or else it will shit on me every chance it gets. My problems seem large right now. They'll seem smaller later.